'AITA for threatening to kick my Maid of Honor and her partner out of the bridal party 10 days before my wedding?' + UPDATE
"AITA for threatening to kick my Maid of Honor and her partner out of the bridal party 10 days before my wedding?"
A bit of background, my MoH is my best friend from high school. For the sake of this post, her name will be Livie. Since the beginning of our friendship I have known about Livie's traumatic background that has caused her to have severe PTSD, anxiety, and depression.
I too came from a rough background and we bonded over shared trauma. Livie has a tendency to isolate herself from everyone around her when she is extremely overwhelmed and/or depressed.
About a month and a half before the wedding, she stopped talking to me. After about a week of her not responding, I went over to her house to check in on her. She explained to me what she was going through and I was right there to listen and try to help to the best of my abilities.
She kept speaking to me for a few days and then stopped again. I gave her some space, but I needed her to be at a meeting with my wedding manager to go over some fine details for the wedding. She showed up and started speaking again for a few days.
Then she stops again. I give her some more space because I don't want to overwhelm her even more than she already is. 2 weeks go by and my family hosts a bridal shower for me. She swore that she'd be there. 30 minutes after it starts, I don't here from her.
I call her and text her but there is nothing. After I had called her a second time, her boyfriend shows up at the door with a gift. He explains that Livie isn't doing too well today and she's been having extremely bad panic attacks all morning. I let it be and give her the day.
The next day, we had a meeting set for all the bridesmaids to get together at my home and go over details such as hair, makeup, shoes, times ect for the big day. I had text her all morning trying to see how she was doing and if she would be there tonight. I called her several times through the day with no luck.
My fiance, also a good friend of hers, also called her to check in with no luck. Finally, about 30 minutes before the meeting was supposed to started, my fiancé calls her bf and tells him that he is on his way to come get her for the meeting.
The bf explains that they are actually at a bday party for someone in his family. (BTW the meeting was set up a month prior as to make sure it was set in everyone's schedules.)
My fiancé at this point was getting extremely angry and I was having a melt down because another one of my bridesmaids also wasn't responding to me. (The other bridesmaid lost her phone and forgot about the meeting.) Livie went for another week without speaking to me. Exactly 2 weeks before the wedding I sent her this text:
"Hey girl, I understand that you are struggling, but with the wedding 2 weeks away, I really need communication when you need help. I feel like I am losing you, and I don't want that. I love you and I will always be here for you. I need to know that I can count on you too."
Crickets for the next few days. Yesterday, I tried to call her several times with no answer. So, I went to her home to check in on her. We waited for about 10 minutes outside. We could hear them inside and we called both her and her bf to see if they were okay.
Finally I left. I spoke to my wedding manager (who is also my uncle) to get his opinion on it as well as my mother. Both of them said that I only get one wedding day. I need to focus on my happiness right now.
They both advised me to send her a text saying that if I don't here from her or her bf by a certain day, I need to move forward. "The show must go on." I ended up sending this message to her.
"Hey, I know that you are struggling right now. And if it helps, we can take the responsibility from the wedding off of you and you can be a guest. You are my best friend and I'd love to have you at my wedding, even if it means that you are just a guest.
Please let me know by Friday at 7pm if you'd still like to be in the bridal party. If I don't hear from you by then, I will have to move forward and I will see you as a guest at the wedding."
I really don't want to lose her as a friend, but I really need someone who I can rely on because the wedding is in 9 days. AITA for threatening to kick my MoH and her partner out of the wedding party? Is there something I could have done better?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Uh, I was sympathetic to her until I saw the part where she could make it to someone's birthday. Just remove her from the wedding party. Stop sending texts or any more communication about it. She is now a guest at your wedding who may or may not show up. Stop fretting over her. And no, she doesn't care nearly as much as you want her to care.
Eeeexactly. OP is going above and beyond to cater to her MoHs needs even though OP is the one with something major coming up. Needing space is one thing. Communicating is another. Simple: “I can’t do it right now.” Would be enough. You seem like you care a lot and are genuine.
The fact she made it to someone’s bday would be it for me… you tried so hard and got so far but in the end it doesn’t even matter..cus she won’t be there. So make sure to pass the duties onto someone you can count on.
You are babying her way too much. I understand trauma and mental health and anxiety. She’s a grown adult who doesn’t need hand holding. If she could communicate and respond to her bf then she can take a few seconds to respond to her best friend without you having to show up to her house.
You’re giving her way too much leniency and I bet she’s gonna give you grief about this “ultimatum” when you know “she’s struggling” You shouldn’t have given her an option.
“Hey, I love you. My wedding is just a few days away and maybe I’m putting too much stress on you and I’m not realizing it. You’re my best friend and I want you to be there. So instead of being a bridesmaid I’d love to have you as a guest instead. Thanks for doing what you can. See you on the big day!”
End convo. Could be a lot more blunt but it seems like you’re used to walking on egg shells communicating with her.
A wee later, the OP returned with an update.
Hello Everyone. It has been a month since mine and my husband's wedding. Everything is going beautifully and we cannot be happier. The wedding was beautiful with only a few hiccups along the way.
Another one of my Bridesmaids was extremely helpful to us and stepped in as MoH. She really didn't have to do much except for be at my side, because she is physically unable to do much strenuous activities due to her pregnancy. All of my bridesmaids were beautiful and extremely helpful to me on our big day.
As for Livie, I haven't heard from her since I sent the text letting her know that I needed to hear from her. The day after the "deadline" for us to hear from them, I messaged her BF, Dan, directly letting him know that he was still welcome to attend our wedding as a guest. We had a long conversation going back and forth and we ended on good terms.
The next week, we went to a friend's Halloween party where Dan was present. There, he confided in me that Livie was getting too toxic for him and he was going to ask her to move out. From what I have heard, it didn't end well.
He was hoping they could stay together, but live separately in hopes of mending their relationship. When she moved out, she had taken his laptop with her, and the last time they spoke, he asked for it back and she pretty much spat in his face. Livie has cut off all contact with what used to be mutual friends which has put a strain on them.
Dan did end up going to the reception and it was nice to see him there. My husband and I speak to him every so often to try and keep touch so he doesn't feel alone in this point in his life.
For those who are wondering, Dan and I spoke about what I could've done to make Livie act in such a way. He told me that she vented to him a lot and told him about how she was fed up with my husband and I, but because he is also a friend, he chose not to listen to much else she had to say about us. The reason he wasn't speaking to us, was to try and save his relationship with Livie.
I have removed Livie as a friend on all social media platforms, but I still have her number saved just in case she ever wants to talk it over. Again, we share trama experiences over s3xual a$$alt and I never want anyone with those experiences to feel alone with they have their times when they are struggling. Thank you all for your advice from my last post. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
I hope he gets his notebook back. But seems so yuck to get it now that she must have done something to damage it. Congratulations on your wedding. Remember to call your MOH often to ask about her baby and appreciate her more.
LPG_0516 (OP)
Always. We talk at least once a week. She is such a sweetheart, and she will make a fabulous mother. I am so excited for her and her journeys ahead.
I am genuinely curious as to what is going on with Livie.
There’s a difference between “this person needs grace because she’s been through some horrible stuff” and “this person is just a dick and using their trauma as an excuse to treat everyone like garbage”. Livie is the latter.
There's also a difference (usually the same one) between "OP is putting their event ahead of their friends mental health and driving them head first into burn out".
"OP is aware and respectful of their friends mental health struggles, but the friend committed to something and literally all OP needs is some fucking communication so they can either be assured that things are happening or make other arrangement themselves." This latter is also correct with this post.