'AITA for kicking my best friend out after she called my husband a charity project?'
"AITA for kicking my best friend out after she called my husband a charity project?"
I (29F) hosted a small dinner party last night for five of my closest friends. My husband, Danny (31M), is honestly the hardest working person I know. He is currently a teacher, but he is also finishing his Master’s in educational leadership because he wants to eventually become a principal.
Between his actual job and his night classes, he is exhausted, but he still manages to do half the chores and never misses a chance to make me feel loved. The issue, according to some people, is that I work in tech and make about triple what he does. It has never been an issue for us. We are a team.
During dinner, Danny was being his usual self, helping me serve the food, making everyone laugh, and being a great host. About halfway through the night, he apologized and said he had to go to our home office to finish a major paper that was due at midnight. Everyone was supportive except for Maya(30F).
Maya has been my friend since college. She has always been a bit of a status seeker. Once Danny left the room, Maya took a long sip of her wine and said she didn’t know how I do it. She told the table she would be bored if her man had to go study for a teacher's salary while she paid for the steak everyone was eating.
The table went dead silent.
I told her that Danny works incredibly hard and his career is about making an impact, not just a paycheck.
Maya rolled her eyes and told me to come on because we are all friends here. She said I am 29 and successful and that I am basically carrying him. She told me I am in my prime and should be with someone who can actually match my bracket, not someone I have to bankroll like a charity project. She said I deserve a power couple life, not a stressed-out student life.
I felt my blood boil. I didn't yell, but I told her very clearly that she was being incredibly disrespectful to both of us. I told her that Danny is the most supportive partner I’ve ever had and his goals involve more than just a bank balance.
She tried to laugh it off and said she was just looking out for me because money is the number one cause of divorce. I had enough. I stood up, took her plate, and told her she needed to leave.
She looked shocked and said I was being dramatic over a little honesty. My other friends were awkward and didn't really say anything, but Maya kept going, saying I was choosing a mediocre man over a decade of friendship.
I walked her to the door and shut it behind her.
Since then, Maya has been texting our group chat saying I have changed and that she is worried I am defensive because I know she is right. A couple of my friends messaged me privately saying that while Maya was out of line, kicking her out was extreme and made the whole night a disaster for everyone else.
I don't think I am the jerk for defending my husband in my own home, but the extreme comments from my other friends are starting to get to me. Am I the jerk for booting her out and potentially ending the friendship over this?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Be very clear to everyone. "No one gets to disrespect my husband. It will not be tolerated."
Your "friends" are not friends. Maya has issues: insecurity, jealousy, whatever. Support your husband as he supports you. I don't see support coming from any of the other players.
My wife so called carried me for years. Married me and I didn’t even have a real job. Eventually I ended up making about 60k more than she made. She is still carrying me. So you keep carrying your husband because with your faith in him he will be an amazing school admin. Don’t worry about the haters.
“disaster of a night or not I really don’t care, no body will disrespect my spouse, my marriage, and me in my own home. You can go thank her for how it turned out, and if you welcome that in your home that’s your freedom but it will NEVER exist in mine.” NTA.
NTJ. YOU are right! A marriage is a partnership, you both have goals and are working together. I love the fact that you are supporting your husband to make a difference to a community but also to young people's lives. I have seen first hand how 1 teacher or 1 principal can make such a huge impact on people! If it was me I would have kicked her out too.
NTJ. Your husband is lucky to have you. Other wives might have caved in to the group. If you are happy in your marriage, what does it matter. She is probably projecting because she is in an unhappy relationship.
NTJ and let your “friend” group know that any disrespect to your DH will result in that person similarly being shown to the door. Tell Maya you’re not interested in her version of weaponized honesty.
I personally have experienced people who were supposed to be my support system using “honesty” to tear me—and others in their lives—down. It’s BS and needs to be called out. Every. Single. Time.
NTA, you did the absolute right thing. I’m a teacher though, so as you described it, my blood boiled too. You did nothing wrong. Honesty isn’t what she was giving out, it was judgement that no one asked for and that you told her you won’t tolerate. Good for you!! I’m curious if Maya is in a relationship, and if she is, if it is solid, because this screams jealousy of love and companionship. Maya is not your friend.
NTJ. Think back to middle school. How many friends remain? Highschool? College? Etc. During each phase of life we meet new people and make new friendships. We also move on from old friendships. Some don't serve us anymore. Sometimes our interests shift. Doesn't matter much the reason.
While it is nice to dream of lifelong friendships, they are incredibly few and far between. That doesn't mean you need to hold onto every one dearly. We all change in life and best guess you and Maya may be growing apart and perhaps the whole friend group.
It sounds rough. Change is hard. Realizing things that once meant so much to us is no longer true can be quite the shock. We change. We grow or regress. Very few things are static.