'AITA for kicking my boyfriend out of my place after he demanded I apologize before speaking to him?'
"AITA for kicking my boyfriend out of my place after he demanded I apologize before speaking to him?"
I'm a 27F and I've been dating my boyfriend 27M for 7 months. For context, I’m currently going through a long 1 year and half divorce due to domestic violence, which also included a lot of psychological abuse.
When i met him i wasn't looking for a relationship but it just happened. My boyfriend knew about this from the start, and in the beginning everything was nice and easy, just some fun dates, movie nights,some nice weekend little trips.
About two months in, he told me his family was being evicted and asked if he could move in with me. I live in a nice house that's a co-living, I have roommates, so I don’t exactly have a ton of space, especially because I already have a small dog.
But I said yes,I know how it feels dont have a place to go, also I was planning on moving at the end of the year anyway, and I thought it would be temporary, at least thats what he promised me.
When he moved in, I notified the property management and added him to the lease. That bumped my rent up by $250 a month. On top of that, all the other bills and expenses like utilities, groceries, dog food, gas, adding him to my insurance, pretty much everything were being covered by me.
He gave me some money to help cover the rent increase and to cover some bills for the first two months, but he was unemployed and job hunting. I have a stable job and by being careful with my budget, I was able to support us both, also he does some jobs here and there, not too much money, but its some money, like 30$ or 40$, sometimes 100$ a week.
Things were fine for a few weeks, but then we adopted another dog. That’s when I started feeling really stressed. I was suddenly the only one financially responsible for four living beings: me, him, and the two dogs.
Also he started complaining about the dogs, about the responsibility that is walking them, cleaning after them and that I wasn’t giving him enough attention because I work 10-hour days, go to gym, study, attend therapy twice a week and on top of that I wanted to take care of the house and spend time with my dogs.
We talked and I told him I understood, but I asked that since he wasn’t working and had more free time, could he take over caring for the house and the dogs. That way, we could actually spend more time together without me being buried in chores after work.
But things just kept getting more stressful. I think he feels “less than me” because I’m the one supporting us, but that’s not something I can fix for him. I even suggested and opened a joint bank account for us, just for him to don't feel like he was taking advantage of me.
I was transferring to that account just the money necessary for our shared bills, and some “spend money”. I never pressured him to contribute, but always told him that I was appreciating his contributions.
He became cold, distant, and even rude. Every time I brought it up, he’d flip it back on me saying I was invalidating his feelings because he was stressed with the job hunting, and house chores.
I even tried to explain that I'm also stressed, working 60 hours a week and having all the financial responsibilities on me, plus all the drama with my ex husband running out of the country and making our divorce even more difficult, and expensive.
Fast forward to recently I went on a work trip that I didn't want to attend, but I did because it means more money for us. As soon as I arrived at my final destination I tried to talk to him, but he couldn't talk to me because he had some movie night planned with one of his best friends, so we didn’t talk for 3 days because I had no signal and my schedule was crazy, and I’ve been feeling really tired.
Yesterday, he texted me that the dogs were running out of food and asked me to buy more and schedule the delivery for 6pm. I did, but the Vet changed their food and we had to switch them gradually to the new one. I texted him about how to do it but he was sounding so confused that I decided to call him and explain it.
I even asked him when he would be at home and free to talk. At 8pm on the time he chose I called and he answered the phone with “Hey, what do you want?” I was taken aback because we hadn’t spoken in days, not even text or anything, so I asked what was wrong and why he was treating me like that.
He immediately started yelling at me that I was overreacting and that he was in the middle of house chores and computer work. I hung up and texted him that when he calmed down, he could call me and we could talk about what was bothering him with mutual respect and no yelling.
He replied that he’d only talk to me if I apologized. I called him back to explain that this felt manipulative, and he hung up on me. I tried again and he asked if I was going to apologize.
When I said no, he said we wouldn’t be on good terms or speaking until I apologized first. I said that was a really manipulative demand and asked if that was really his decision and he said yes, I even asked if he knew what that meant and he said yes.
So, I emailed property management (with him copied) letting them know he would be moving out in 15 days. I also emailed him asking for his moving schedule and practical details when we’d close our joint account, when exactly he’d be out so I could have my space back, and who would take care of the dogs while I’m away for work.
I even tried to explain to him how his behavior was hurting me, how manipulative it felt, and how it was triggering for me because of the abuse I went through with my ex-husband. His reaction didn’t change. Now he’s accusing me of “throwing him out on the streets” with no money or place to go. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA but you have replaced your previous toxic relationship with another one. Please stick to your guns with this break up, and take this to therapy so you can recognize the patterns you have fallen into so you can heal and find someone who truly deserves you. Good luck!
NTA. He's a total hobosexual, then gaslighting you about it. Nope. Gone. Bye Bye Boy.
NTA. You should stay single for a while. You went from a physically abusive relationship to an emotionally/financially abusive one. You need to talk to a therapist and recognize giant red flags staring you in the face - the homelessness, the joblessness, not contributing, adding a new pet (abusers like add pets and babies so victims feel more trapped).
I'm glad you got him out of your home but don't take in another hobosexual, no matter how sad his story is. Isn't it odd that he had to sleep his way into stable housing? 20+ years on the planet and no friends/family to take him in? There was a reason why.]
NTA but you make terrible decisions! Do not ever let someone you’ve only been dating for a couple of months move in with you, so don’t care what good reasons he might have or how pathetic his situation might be. No. Just don’t do it.
Why would you adopt another dog when you are already strained financially and short on space? The joint bank account was nuts. You should never have started being financially responsible for him.
None of these things make you the A, just incredibly naive and just not smart. Please learn from this and do not ever jump into co-habitation again after such a short time frame. Ex is a total A. He’s a liar, manipulator and thief. You are well shot of him.
NTA BUT you went from one abusive relationship to another with a bum. Perhaps be single for awhile and get some therapy girl.