Father's obsession with erasing first wife's memory costs him his home and his son's respect. AITA?
"AITA for kicking my dad out of my house after picked a fight with me over my stepmom?"
My dad and I (31M) always had a somewhat difficult relationship. I'm the youngest and the only son. My two older sisters are Mel (35F) and Kat (37F). Our mom died when I was 1 and our dad remarried when I was 4. My stepmom and I have a better relationship than my dad and I do actually. But it's my relationship with her that has mine and dad's so bad.
Mel and Kat don't have a particularly close or fond relationship with our stepmom. To them she's just not mom and could never be someone important to them. For me she's not my mom either, even though I don't remember my mom, but she's still got a place in my life.
That's something that bothers dad. He always wanted me to call my stepmom mom, he wanted me to let her adopt me and he'd punish my sister's for talking about mom too much around me.
He'd get mad at me for asking them about mom or going into their room to see photos of mom. He told me it was disrespectful to my stepmom. Then he'd say she was the only mom I actually knew and I should treat her as such.
My stepmom, for the most part, never pushed. A few times she did ask if I'd ever call her mom and she was visibly disappointed when I said no but she would eventually let it go.
Dad's and my relationship kinda leveled out when I went to college. He made a few comments on my wedding day that he expected my feelings to change when I had kids of my own.
Now I'm a dad of two who's expecting a third. We had family and friends over on Saturday and my dad ended up in an awful mood because my 3 year old pointed at a photo of my mom and called her grandma while he was holding her.
Dad's whole attitude visibly changed and after an hour he blew up and started yelling at me and asking what the hell that was wrong with me. He said I was supposed to grow up once I became a dad and accept who my real parents are and stop acting like blood's what matters.
He kept asking me why my oldest said grandma to the photo and why I had a photo of my mom so clearly out for everyone to see. He asked me why I still called her my mom when my mom was sitting on the couch next to my wife.
My stepmom tried calming him down but I insisted that he leave. He tried to refuse and he demanded I answer why my stepmom is still stepmom and why I let my sisters poison me. He told me I didn't deserve my stepmom and started cursing all over the place. So I made him leave. It enraged him further but I didn't even care.
He's going crazy since then trying to talk to me but it's not because he's sorry. He's still furious and he told me a real man would have confronted his questions and not kicked him out. I refused to respond since he was being so aggressive. But AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA- your dad is a crappy dad. To you and your sisters especially for punishing them for talking about their deceased mother! You treat your stepmom with respect and that’s all that matters. Time to put your dad in timeout and not let him around until he learns to respect your decisions.
Melodic-Caramel-6622 (OP)
It'll be a while before I trust him around my kids again after his behavior in front of them.
NTA. Your dad’s been trying to rewrite your history since you were a toddler and now he’s pissed he failed. That tantrum over a toddler saying “grandma” is all the proof you need that this was never about love or respect it was about control.
He couldn’t stand that you didn’t erase your actual mom to make his life easier, and now he’s spiraling because your kid dared to acknowledge her existence. Kicking him out was the most respectful thing you could’ve done for your home, your kids, and your sanity.
NTA I would tell your Dad “Stepmom is not my Mom. Have you ever thought about it in reverse. What if you were the one that died, and Mom remarried? I bet you would be furious with Mom for trying to replace you as my Father.
I appreciate everything Stepmom did and does for me. She holds a special place in my heart. However, for me, I have only one Mother and one Father. It’s not that I’m being loyal to Mom over you. I would do the same if the situation was reversed.”
So if he died in stead of your mom he would be ok with being totally erased from your live’s too?
NTA. You have answered the same question why your stepmom is still your stepmom and your mom is your mom. Your stepmom gets it, she wasn't there to replace your mom. She is your dad's wife, not your mom.
Only you have the right to determine what relationships you have with stepparents. Your other parent doesn't get to decide how you feel, your stepparents dont' get to decide, your siblings don't get to decide. Only you.
You did the absolute right thing by kicking him out, he knows the answer, he wants to create a consistent conflict so that it wears you down and he gets his way. Well surprise you don't even have to call him dad if you don't want to. In fact I would call him, "the old guy who doesn't get to be in my life anymore."
So stop responding, block his number, his e-mail and his social media. He is not going to change. He wants to be in control of your feelings, and will find any excuse to push his agenda.