"AITA for kicking everyone out of my wedding party?"

I met my fiancé, Michael, through my best friend, Flora. Flora and Michael have been friends for 10 years, and she’s been present through so many things in his life, including when he was in an abusive relationship with his ex-wife. With time and therapy, Michael was able to heal from this traumatic experience, and now we are together and happy.

Michael and I are planning our wedding, and there is only one friend of mine he hasn’t met because she lives quite far. Her name is Vanessa. Flora, Vanessa, and I are all childhood friends, so it was important that Vanessa meet the man I’m going to marry.

Leading up to it, Vanessa expressed to me how excited she was to meet him, and she was glad I was finally able to be with someone good. She even joked about wanting to be a bridesmaid. Then we all met up for dinner when Vanessa was in town. It was me, Michael, Flora, Alan (Flora’s boyfriend who has also been friends with Michael for 10 years, and is also one of our groomsmen), and Vanessa.

Vanessa snapped almost as soon as we sat down. It was just a barrage of verbal abuse, but the one thing that really angered me was when she questioned his past relationship with his ex wife. She said to him, “It was probably your fault, and you did something to her. What did YOU do to her?” As if it was his fault that she was abusive.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Nothing prepared Michael and I for this. Flora and Alan were completely silent during the whole thing, and allowed her to abuse us. It especially hurt because they knew all about Michael’s ex and the abuse he endured.

I saw red, and I yelled at the three of them. Thankfully, that shut Vanessa up, but the damage was done. Not long after, we found out that Vanessa complained to my other friends, and expressed she never wanted to meet with me and Michael.

After that, Michael and I decided to think about our wedding parties. We want people up there who love us and want to celebrate us, so we decided to completely do away with the wedding party, and have it just be us. My bridesmaids were supposed to be Flora, Vanessa, and others who knew about Vanessa’s feelings and intent to come to this dinner to attack us.

They’ve all remained silent on the matter to “keep the peace.” People are upset we’ve made this choice, and are asking us to think it over. And since I know there will be concerns over why Vanessa suddenly is against us, and if I’m maybe leaving things out, the answer is no. There has never been any infidelity or abuse in our relationship, and it has been healthy and loving.

Vanessa has gotten out of a relationship, and has unsuccessfully dated for a while, and I think she was just angry, but I don’t want to make assumptions. AITA for getting rid of my wedding party?

Edit: Flora and Alan knew about Vanessa’s plan to verbally attack us. They decided not to say anything because they “hoped she would be nice about it” and that it “wouldn’t be so bad.”

Also, yes, this whole thing seems odd, and it does look like there’s missing information. That’s my concern too! There HAS to be something missing that Flora isn’t telling me, or that Vanessa is choosing to omit because all of this is plain weird.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

IamblichusSneezed said:

NTA. As a dude who took longer than a decade to leave an abusive marriage, I applaud you. Vanessa is a terrible person and not your friend.

Affectionate_Salt351 said:

I’m proud of you for getting out, man. I’ve been stuck in a bad relationship for about 11 years and I’m finally getting out soon. It’s rough af.

HyenaShot8896 said:

NTA. There was, and is no excuse for the behavior of any of your "friends". I use that term loosely because they all knew what was coming, but did nothing to prevent it, or stop it once she started. Not only should you drop all of them from the wedding party, but I would seriously rethink the friendships with everyone that did nothing, knowing what she was going to do.

bluedreamer62 said:

Vanessa is no friend. Unfortunately there is often a times when friendships just die and time to move on from them. NTA do what you happy.

shereadsinbed said:

I've experienced this-someone who seemed like a friend But they just couldn't handle their envy when I had something they wanted. In fact, it was a close friend of my fiancee, and her presence in our wedding party made the whole thing significantly unpleasant.

She was just eaten up with envy. Not that she wanted him, particularly, But she figured they could both be single together forever I guess. She was freaked out about being left behind. If I could go back in time I would have struck her from the wedding party - good for you for taking care of yourselves proactively, and not waiting for Vanessa and Co to ruin things.

I don't think you're the ahole, The question automatically comes up for me - could you have a wedding party and just not include Vanessa - but I assume you've already considered and rejected that idea. I think you guys should start your marriage in whatever way suits you best.

It's not your job to make your friends feel better about not protecting you from Vanessa, If they really knew the crap that was about to occur. Maybe you could take all the money you're going to save and go on a trip -escape all these weirdos!

She shared some updates in the comments:

Update #1:

I haven’t talked to Vanessa after the dinner. She did reach out, but I ignored her text. Prior to the dinner, Vanessa expressed to me how excited she was to meet Michael. She wanted to be a bridesmaid at the wedding, and she was looking forward to all the festivities. She would happily comment on everything I posted about Michael on my social media.

I have proof of all our texts and interactions about how happy she was.

Which is why I’m confused. Everyone here is talking about missing information, or context, or that I’m leaving something out. But I’m not, which is why I’m INCREDIBLY confused.

Update #2 (plus screenshots):

Michael texted Flora about the situation. I put the screenshots here