'AITA for kicking my girlfriend out after a fight about my adopted brother?'
"AITA for kicking my girlfriend out after a fight about my adopted brother?"
Adoption is pretty common in my family, honestly, I might have more adopted cousins than biological ones, but it’s never been a big deal. My (22M) younger brother (15M) was adopted by my parents when he was 7.
Our dads were good friends, and he used to visit us a lot. His parents split when he was 5 due to his mom’s drug issues, and she ended up in jail soon after. His dad passed away when he was 7, so my parents stepped in to adopt him so he wouldn’t end up in the system.
He’s lived with us ever since, and I’ve always seen him as my real little brother. We’re family, simple as that. His biological mom is still around but isn’t allowed contact with him.
Here’s where the issue starts. I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years. We’ve met each other’s families and everything’s been fine, until about a month ago. She started complaining that her sister was adopting a child, saying it was cheating because her sister could have kids naturally.
I told her adoption doesn’t make someone less of a parent, and I mentioned that my brother is adopted. She didn’t say anything then, but I noticed she stopped calling him my brother and just started using his name.
Then yesterday, she and one of our mutual friends (who introduced us) were talking. He said he was excited that my family might become her in laws. She corrected him and said my brother wouldn’t be her in law because he’s adopted. That friend was pretty stunned and told me what she said.
I confronted her, and we got into an argument. I told her my brother is my brother, period. She insisted he’s not and said there’s a difference. She told me to go sleep somewhere else.
I refused and said if she had a problem, she should be the one to leave. She ended up yelling at me, called me manipulative and abusive, and went to her parents house for the night.
Now her dad, who I usually get along with, wants to talk, and other people in her family are sending me angry messages. I didn’t think I was wrong, but now I’m second guessing. Should I have just walked away from the argument? AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Of course you’re NTA. How is an adoptive brother not your brother?
aimassistx (OP)
Thank you! That’s exactly how I feel. Family isn’t just about blood, it’s about love, loyalty, and the bond you build. He’s been my brother since, and that won’t change.
NTA and if it were me, I’d walk away from that relationship. Her opinions on adoption/adoptee is, IMO, vile.
aimassistx (OP)
Thank you, I really appreciate that. Her views on adoption were hard to hear, especially since my brother means so much to me. Family is about love, not biology.
NTA Since her sister is thinking of adopting, I would think that your gf parents are also ok with the idea of adoption. I think her dad might just want your side, but i don't know them so obviously use your judgement.
Fr though, id say make it permanent. After 2 years of knowing you have a brother, now all of a sudden she just "can't" call him that anymore? It's more of an effort to change a habit like that. She's a gross person who doesn't understand that kids are family to those who raise them, and doesn't want to. Don't know how she missed it, her sister obv gets it.
NTA She was the one who wanted space. She should take that space. It's good that this has come out now before your relationship progresses. I'm so curious as to what her justification is. Why does she think adoption doesn't count? Why is adoption bad in her eyes?
NTA. If she can't respect your family, that's her problem, not yours. It's a serious matter and should be taken seriously. Don't talk to her father, talk to her, she's a grown adult and should take this situation into her own hands. If she doesn't like the fact you simply have a brother, adopted or not, it's pathetic on her half. He's family, she should understand that.
NTA. Stand your ground!!! I don't see a future here. You are incompatible. Especially so since you have so many adopted family members. She sounds so gross, honestly. Why does she feel so strongly about adoption? So weird.
Women tend to have an expectation that they have final say over just about everything in the home. The whole go sleep on the couch situation is an example of this, and they don't like it when this is challenged. My wife told me to go sleep on the couch once when we first got married, and I told her the same thing, "no. If you have a problem you sleep on the couch". She did... for awhile. then came back to bed.
We've both slept on the couch at points in our marriage (it's been 20 years, we've been angry at each other at points, lol). We've talked about that moment, when I first said no. She said it threw her for a loop.
She says she remembers thinking when I said no "He can do that?". Like it never occurred to her that I could even SAY no...lol. If she considers you not obeying her in the home as abusive and manipulative, move on. She's trying to control you, and using abusive manipulation to do so.
NTA. I would happily tell her father why you are upset with her, and anyone else from her family who feels like they have a right to interject. Tell them that your ideas on what makes someone family are not compatible.
NTA and I don't think I'd be able to forgive my SO for this. She clearly plans on excluding your brother going forward. Wedding ? Can't be in the wedding party, not family. You have a child ? Well, he's not really the uncle, is he ...Don't stay with someone who is perfectly fine with mistreating your brother like this.