'AITA for kicking my mom out after she tried to get my fianceé to 'parent' my kids?' UPDATED

"AITA for kicking my mom out of my house after she tried to get my fiancee to 'parent' my kids?"

I (36M) have two boys, age 6 and 7. I'm engaged to "Millie", (31F), and we have a great relationship. My kids like her a lot and vice versa. We always have fun together and they call her Aunt Millie. They live with me about half the time because my ex and I share custody.

My mom was over at my house the other day to spend some time with us. We were having a good time, then Millie got a package; it was a piece of antique art (she's a collector), and she left to get it ready for her display case. Soon after, my 7yo comes in and asks me to help with his homework, so I excused myself and went to sit in the living room with him.

My mom gave this odd look, but said nothing so I didn't question it. While my boys played outside, she then asked why my fiancée didn't help him instead, since I was clearly busy with my mom. I was surprised and said Millie was busy too, besides my son asked ME for help and not her. She tutted loudly and said, "Well what's the point of getting a new wife if she's not going to help you parent your kids?

She better step up fast if wants to be a mother to them" This blew my mind, because not only was it incredibly rude, my boys already have a mother, my ex is a great parent and the only one they'd ever call "Mom", and Millie and I aren't even married yet, so she technically isn't their stepmom.

I told her that wasn't necessary, helping with homework is hardly "parenting", and that I'm their dad, so parenting them is MY job. I also clarified that had my son asked Millie for homework help (which he never does), she would have gladly helped, but that again, she was busy and he asked me.

My mom said "So she just expects to sit on her ass polishing her trinkets while you bust your back around here?" I lost my temper and politely told her to GTFO, as I could hear my kids coming in and didn't want a scene. She was affronted, but left in a huff.

Mom told the whole family. A few extended family are on her side and say I overreacted. Dad called and took no sides, but assured me my anger was justified since he knows how my mom gets. Millie is glad I stuck up for her, but feels guilty for what happened and wishes I'd gone in and asked her to help 7yo so she could prove to mom that she is indeed willing to do those things.

She said I shouldn't have kicked mom out before she had a chance to talk it out with her, since Millie IS going to be family & we should all get along for the sake of the boys and any future kids we have. She's sad that now there's family drama about her before she's even married into it. I firmly feel like I did the right thing here, but seeing her stressed is giving me pause.

I reassured her she's done nothing wrong, will make an amazing stepmom and that my kids love her, but my mom does NOT get to say she needs to "parent them". My kids don't need or want another mom, they just want their friend/"aunt". Should I have given my fiancée the chance to talk to her before kicking her out? AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

lihzee said:

NTA your mom needs to butt out and keep her ideas about old-fashioned gender roles to herself.

OP responded:

Apparently she's telling people that her last (and worst) comment, the one I kicked her out for, was "said in jest", and that's why I'm the AH for escalating it and kicking her out "over a joke". It's true she snorted with laughter when saying it, but I didn't find it funny at all and I honestly doubt that some part of her didn't mean it.

Head-Wrap7430 said:

“Well what's the point of getting a new wife if she's not going to help you parent your kids?” Lmao, wtf. There’s so much more to marriage than parenting children.

NTA. Millie is only upset because she’s scared it’s her fault and she doesn’t want to make waves. Reassure that it’s not her fault, that it’s okay if there’s waves, and that she will always be the priority no matter what “drama” ensues. I understand her anxiety, but don’t cower to bullies just to alleviate anxiety. It’ll only cause more in the future.

toofat2serve said:

NTA. You sound like a wonderful dad and partner. Your dad sounds neat, too. And your kids. And your ex. Edit: And your fiancé!

Lux_Brumalis said:

NTA. Does your mother hate your ex or something?? It’s so weird that she is trying to replace your ex’s legitimacy as a mother to your shared children. Has your mother criticized your fiancée about other things before? Was she hyper critical of your ex and/or any other women you’ve been involved with?

It kind of sounds like nothing will make a woman good enough in your mom’s eyes. I wonder if she would have had an equally irrational response if the reverse had happened - example, if your fiancée was helping the kids with their homework, would your mother have then criticized that as overstepping?

All of which is to say, I’m guessing this incident didn’t happen in a vacuum (esp based on your dad’s reaction and the remark that he knows “how [your] mom gets.” Your mom has boundary issues.

Talk to your fiancée about what you both think are reasonable boundaries to set with with your mother and rigidly enforce the ones that you and and your fiancée agree to set, otherwise it is going to be a toxic and recurring virus in your marriage.

You and your fiancée both sound great, btw. Stay united on this and everything else, and congrats on your upcoming wedding, whenever it may be! Your children are lucky to have such a kind, caring adult like her added to their lives.

exoticangelxx said:

NTA. I'm glad you stood up for your fiancee.

[deleted] said:

NTA, your mom is obviously TA. Your kids calling your fiance "aunt" is unusual though

OP responded:

I tend to agree it's unusual, but it's actually a title they picked for her themselves when she was still my GF! Kids calling an adult "aunt" or "uncle" happens to also be common in my fiancee's culture, so she loved it!

He later shared this update:

First off, I can't thank everyone enough for their support. Your comments have really helped make all this easier. So, as some of you suggested, I drew clear boundaries with my mom explaining who parents my kids and why she was in the wrong, with some success.

She acknowledged she shouldn't have insulted Millie. Then she demanded that I admit I was wrong to make her leave like that. Well, I said I didn't believe I was. She promptly texts that she's no longer coming to my wedding. She's willing to reconsider if I "apologize for my rudeness".

Now, my mom's done dramatic things like this before, and they always end up being empty threats, but only because someone placates or coaxes her. I didn't think apologizing was right. Poor Millie was distraught, but supports me 100%. She offered to apologize herself if I thought it would help.

She suspects that since everything was going fine until she excused herself, that my mom pulled this because she thought it was rude. Knowing mom, I can't rule this out. However, I told Millie she has nothing to apologize for & my mom was wrong to say it regardless. Worth mentioning: she didn't apologize for how rude SHE was about Millie, nor did I demand it.

My dad told me apologizing was totally up me and that he'd be at the wedding regardless. Sister suggested I fake an apology just to get her to the wedding, then start going LC right after. Not the worst idea, but I dislike being fake, even for an apology. I'm trying to teach my boys how they should never half-ass an apology when they know they're in the wrong. I feel something similar applies here.

I respectfully told my mom that she could decide whatever she liked for the wedding, but that she wasn't going to get an apology from me. She hung up in my face and hasn't contacted me since (been almost 2 weeks).

Tbh I'm over it. I do love my mom. She's done right by my sisters and me in other areas, and I did want her there. But I need to protect my family, and she did this knowing it would hurt them. Wedding's 3 months away, so this is salvageable if it should be salvaged, but the only reason I would now is for my kids and Millie. The boys love their grandma and will wonder why she isn't there.

Millie plans on this being her only wedding (as do I lol) and it was important to her that all our family attend. But she's accepted that this may be a blessing in disguise, if the only way we keep my mom in our lives is by bending the knee at every turn.

One silver lining is that some of the extended family who were previously on my mom's side have decided she's now being unreasonable. They apologized and will be attending the wedding now! A few of them still back her up, but ah well. What matters is that I'm marrying the love of my life and no one there will talk sh!t about her for doing nothing wrong or criticize my parenting.

I want to thank everyone again for the solidarity. I showed Millie many of the comments, and she thanks you too!