'AITA for telling my SIL she was harsh to kick my mother out of my brother's hospital room?'
"AITA for telling my SIL she was harsh to kick my mother out of my brother's hospital room?"
LeatherWave4148
This actually happened back in October but it's just recently flared up. My (M33) little brother Sam (M26) was very badly injured in a car crash and in a coma. It didn't look like he was going to make it the first several days and still uncertain weeks afterwards.
During this time, our mother (F61) suggested to us that we should freeze his sperm so his wife Emma (F27) could get pregnant "if the worst happens." Everyone was disturbed by that comment, I admit it, for obvious reasons.
I talked to her at the time and told her not to bring it up because it's very inappropriate to be thinking about creating future children while he was dying but she found it a perfectly legitimate concern but agreed to shut up nonetheless.
Again she brought it up and asked if Emma had come to a decision about that. Emma got rightfully upset and told her to leave and not come back. I supported her then but didn't think she would keep her out for weeks (about 11 days).
I told Emma then that she'd learned her lesson and that keeping her away from Sam when he could die at any moment was unthinkable to me despite whatever she'd said. She defended her decision but relented when I promised on behalf of my mom that she wouldn't bring it up again.
I then made my mom promise to me that she wouldn't say anything like that again, and even though she was outraged and very hurt at Emma, she apologized to her and we thought that was over.
Fast forward to now. Sam has recovered a lot but he still needs a lot of rehabilitation and has quite a few cognitive difficulties still. I thought my mom and Emma had moved past their issue but it turns out my mom is still holding on to resentment because she keeps thinking that Sam could've died without her ever saying goodbye to him because of Emma.
This came out again when Emma recently confronted her about why she's been so off with her and my mom told her everything. My mom was crying that she'll never forgive her and Emma was saying she won't have to because she won't even apologize.
Emma then told her that I agreed with her. I corrected her and said I agreed with her initial decision but was always clear that letting it go on for weeks was a horrible thing to do.
I was definitely more forceful than I was when I'd first told her because I'd tried to be gentle with her then. Emma is distraught is because nobody is taking her side. Sam himself has come to find out about this through our sister and is upset with me because he thinks I should've tried to diffuse the fight instead of egging my mom on.
I'm so conflicted because I definitely don't want to strain our family even more at this time, but if I tried, I think I could get them to see eye-to-eye because I'm generally regarded as a "peacemaker" in my family but if I were to do that, I'd have to be diplomatic and say stuff like "I see both sides" when I unequivocally dislike what Emma did.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
KHCF_99
Info: does Emma or your brother want kids? Had they talked about having kids before or were possibly trying before the accident? I don't think that would change much in this situation, but it could give the whole ordeal a slightly different perspective.
Even if that was the case. I still think YTA. You shouldn't have sided with your mom. If she was so concerned about your brother, why would she focus on something as silly as future kids? And futhermore, why would she want them to be raised without their dad?
I would never want my kids or grandkids to have to go through that. Emma was right to not let her see your brother, especially after this was address many times and your mother refused to listen. Your mother knew the stakes and continued to make those comments.
omeomi24
Eleven days is not 'weeks' - your mother was clearly told not to bring up the 'sperm thing' a second time. She did it anyway. That is on HER - your SIL is dealing with enough with an injured husband - she shouldn't have to put up with a MIL that ignores her wishes. Stop the 'taking sides' bit - your MOTHER was wrong and your brother's WIFE and her wishes take precedent.
RichSignal7022
Emma did what was best for her husband. A mother who wants her son to go through a medical procedure to collect his sperm while he's at death's door isn't someone any wife would want around their loved one.
Your mom needs to take a good hard look at her own behaviour rather than play the victim and blame Emma for a situation which was 100% caused by her. Your exaggeration that it went on for weeks is not helping your cause. YTA.
glamourcrow
YTA for thinking you need to be a "peacemaker". You don't need to do anything. Whatever you do will prolong the drama. These are two grow women who need to resolve this without your help. Keep out of it. All the best to your brother and my wellwishes for his recovery.
GreekAmericanDom
YTA. Your mom is wrong on all counts. Supporting your mom makes you wrong as well. And no, this should not be about making peace. This should be about getting your mom to stop being butt hurt and at being held responsible for her horrendous behavior. Emma is not a grandchild factory. That is how your mom treated her.
Spiraling_Swordfish
Soft YTA. This was (is) a terrible situation and you’ve been trying your best. I’m so sorry for you and your whole family. Emma is your brother’s partner, and it was up to her who got to visit him and who didn’t.
You seem clear on the fact that what your mother did was colossally inappropriate, and you also seem clear on the fact that, after she did that, the only way for her to get back into the room was to apologize profusely and promise never to do it again.
The fact that that apology and promise took eleven days to come, is on your mother, not Emma. Your mother really doesn’t have a leg to stand on here, and you should rethink your perspective on taking her side.