'AITA for kicking my friend off our vacation for making a 'joke' about my BF?' UPDATED

"AITA for kicking my friend off our vacation for making a joke about my boyfriend?"

So my friends and I are going on a trip next month to Miami, FL. We’ve been planning it for about a month now, and originally it was going to be a float trip within our state and with 16 people we go to college with.

One of my friends in particular (J) has a very specific work schedule. We worked around this and got days of the week that are less convenient for the majority because we wanted to include her. She refuses to take off work for the trip despite going on multiple week-long vacations with other people. Still though, we did our best to accommodate her.

On New Years, we all stayed on campus for the break so her, myself, two friends, and my boyfriend (A) all spent the night together drinking and playing games in my apartment since my roommate had gone home.

That night, she made a passing comment about how she thought my boyfriend was hot and she would love him to be her New Years kiss, and I chalked it up to drunken confessions and ignored it since she didn’t make any moves. At one point she did “fall” into his lap but he removed her quickly.

Now for this trip, we had to seek out accommodations. After changing from the initial float trip because I and our other friend (S) wanted to go to Florida, we downsized our group to just me, S, J, A, and A’s friend. We were looking at a 3 bedroom apartment on AirBnB with enough beds to have everyone sleeping comfortably.

While discussing sleeping arrangements with S and J, J decided to half joke about how she wanted to sleep with A and that I wouldn’t be mad since we’ve gone on breaks to see other people before.

(Note, A and I have been dating for 3 years at this point. We’ve “broken up” to see other people once before in our first year when we went on summer break because our hometowns are too far away to see each other. We were 18/19 at the time and haven’t done it again since)

I expressed discomfort at this joke and she kept brushing it off but I really don’t trust her. While talking with S privately, she also said that it was a bit weird. I ended up shifting the dates of our stay and place tickets by one day which would prevent J from being able to attend due to her work schedule.

At first I just said it was because those were cheaper dates, but she seemed to pick up immediate that it was done because of what she said. She’s now calling me a manipulative bitch and cursing me to hell. S said it was unexpected but she understands why I did it as well as why J is mad. A has no idea because we haven’t involved him. He just knows the new dates and is fine with them. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

CleanAssociation9394 said:

NTA it would have been a bit better to be honest about why you were changing plans, but it's totally understandable to avoid a no-win discussion.

OP responded:

At the end of the day I just want her off the trip, she knows the reason why, but to the rest of our friend group it’ll just seem like a conflict of schedules. It’ll prevent people talking or drama spreading. It was the most quiet solution I could think of to preserve her reputation with others since my opinion of her really shouldn’t affect other peoples’

Weaselpanties said:

NTA, and you are right to trust your gut. You chose a way to go about it that minimizes drama and conflict, and the fact that she is cursing you out for it rather than recognizing that she overstepped a major boundary is confirmation that you made the right decision IMO.

I'm 50 and something I have noticed is that when people make those kinds of little "jokes", they are actually testing the waters to see what they can get away with. The NYE kiss, the "falling" into his lap, and the "half joke" about wanting to sleep with your boyfriend are all big, clear red flags; she is planning on trying to sleep with your boyfriend.

She's literally telling you so. She most likely will not change this kind of behavior, ever, and will cause a world of drama and heartbreak for the people in her life; you have the opportunity to choose not to be one of them.

HereFishyFishy4444 said:

NTA Trust your intuition on those things. Even if your bf wouldn't go for it, it just sounds like it could amount to an unpleasant situation.

laurenthelyon said:

NTA, she obviously doesn’t respect the sanctity of your relationship or have faith in its stability. Sounds like she’s waiting around for it to end so she can try and slide in.

dembowthennow said:

NTA. J is behaving inappropriately and that behavior would definitely ruin your vacation. Let her rage - it's better than watching her hit on your boyfriend while you're trying to relax.

A few days later, she shared this update:

I’ve gotten a lot of comments and messages from my post. Lots of advice was given but ultimately I decided to follow the two common ones of talking to A and confronting J. (And I added fake names rather than initials)

I spoke to Adam (A) today after getting off work about two hours ago. He did say that he suspected something had happened because of the sudden shift to days Jessica (J) couldn’t attend. He also said that she requested to follow him on Instagram suddenly and tried to DM him. She doesn’t have his number or Snapchat so it makes sense this would be her one mode of communication.

She followed him before but he removed her after she liked all 400ish of his posts and he thought it was creepy. I told him about what she said in the groupchat and showed him the messages and explained that’s why the dates shifted.

I also apologized for lying about the true reasoning, but he said he understands where I’m coming from although it would have been nicer if he could have helped me through it rather than me shouldering Jessica’s intentions by myself.

He gets why I’m worried but also was under the impression that I thought he’d cheat on me with her, and was a bit upset. We did clear through that though as well. I brought up the idea of confronting Jessica and he said that it’s better to do so together so she understands that it’s a mutual agreement that she’s being a bit much.

I attempted to call/FaceTime her a few times which she ended up declining, but she did answer when we called from Adam’s phone as it was an unknown number with a different area code.

I admit, I hadn’t really planned out the conversation or what I’d say, so it was pretty rough. I apologized giving 0 heads up about removing her from the trip, but I also told her that she was out of line in her words and previous actions. She knew that Adam and I are serious (we’ve openly discussed marriage after we finish setting up our careers) but still made such crude remarks.

Adam was pretty quiet except to say that he didn’t appreciate that he was being discussed in such ways behind his back and by someone he thought was a good friend of mine. Jessica accused us of ganging up on her behind her back, and she accused me personally of setting her up and blowing the entire situation out of proportion.

She also made a point to say that if at any point she truly wanted to sleep with Adam, she could have taken him from me in a heartbeat. She truly believes that she’s been benevolent to me this entire time by not actively attempting to end my relationship or be a homewrecker.

She left our trip group chat as well as our wider circle’s group chat without saying anything which raised a few questions. As much as I wanted to keep this situation contained, Adam ended up telling everyone what happened and was met with mixed responses. A few people said that we did what had to be done, but another closer friend of Jessica said we bullied her without cause.