'AITA for breaking up and kicking my GF out after she said no to marriage?'
"AITA for breaking up and kicking my GF out after she said no to marriage?"
I (41M) have been dating my ex gf (39F) for nearly Six years. Our relationship was a good one. Four years after we started dating I informed her family and friends I was going to propose to her while we were on a family vacation and received their blessing and well-wishes.
The night I proposed, I tried to make the night as memorable and "perfect" as possible. I asked her after a nice dinner surrounded by the family, and she said "No, not yet anyways." I was quite hurt honestly and went back to our room to think things out and not overreact.
A few hours later she came to the room and asked me what was wrong and why I left the group. We had a fairly long conversation as to my feelings and her reason to deny my proposal. Turns out she didn't think I was ready for the commitment just yet. So I took her thoughts to heart and informed her I understand her reasoning, however I was raised in a way where "you take a no for a no, not a maybe next time."
She asked me to just wait a bit longer until we were in a stable place, and I agreed. Eight to ten months later she started dropping hints that she was ready to be married "I can't wait for our wedding...Our wedding is going to be spectacular...I am so looking forward to my dad walking me down the aisle"...etc.
A little over a year since my first proposal, I decided to propose again, this time just us together after a wonderful date night. When I opened the ring box, she got really quiet and once again said "No, not yet...maybe a little more down the line."
After this second refusal, I fell out of love with her. It sounds cold, but it was the truth. When we got back home, I slept in our guest bedroom and spent the rest of the night thinking of our relationship.
The next morning she asked why I didn't sleep with her in our bedroom, and I told her the truth, and informed her that I think we need to end the relationship. I informed her that I take marriage very seriously, and I do not want to be lead on and this time, this no...was the final no on the subject.
I gave her a month to find a new place to live, and since then I have been receiving texts and emails from her friends and family informing me I am a heartless b^%$&rd and trying to get me to give her more time, and not be a callous asshole. My friends have my back on this, and understand why I ended the relationship. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
INFO: You gave the person you asked to marry you one month to find somewhere else to live? That is far too short a window for someone not even looking for housing to secure a place, at least where I live. You don’t explain your exact circumstances around why she didn’t think you were ready.
chibitank OP responded:
She didn't give me any circumstances. Just told me I wasn't ready for the commitment of marriage. As for the month to find a new place to go, it was a lot kinder of me to give her some time at least to find a place instead of just kicking her out immediately.
Nta. But maybe you both should have given this a deadline so you are both on the same page. By the sounds of it, there didn't go much thought into it at all.
chibitank OP responded:
Fair point as I didn't relay that information in the post, but I had informed her that I had hoped to be married by 40 at the latest. I truly don't know if she took that as myself being 40 or her being 40.
NTA. She was stringing you along and being clearly disrespectful. Proud of you for standing up for yourself and seeing her for what she is actualling doing.
chibitank OP responded:
Honestly, I am upset at myself for not taking the first "No" as a "Not yet" I am still just getting used to this empty house.
I feel like there has to be more to this. Anything that shows she was not contributing to financially, that she would get caught in lies about where she was or who she was with or an obvious lack of equal support on her end. Just something that shows she was using you - I’m sorry that is so harsh - and biding her time so she could find someone else.
NTA! I am sorry you went through this but as a woman, it sounds like at some point along the way she started using you and that is horrible of her.
chibitank OP responed:
With full confidence, the answer is no. Our relationship was a good one, financially, emotionally, and intimacy was quite spectacular. I do not know why she thought I wasn't ready for the commitment, or if she just used that as an excuse.
To my knowledge she didn't have any guy friends, or people trying to get with her or vice versa. She just said no, and my heart and mind said okay, it's over.
What was your ex girlfriends reaction to all this when you told her you wanted to break up?
chibitank OP responded:
She was upset of course, cried, apologized. When she realized I was serious, she started to look for a new place to live and started packing.
Yeah you dodged a bullet. this woman is either a mess or doesn't want to marry YOU bc after the first proposal all her fam/friends assumed she would agree to, she then HINTED for you to propose again and said no. She is conflicted. It is break up time.