'AITA for kicking my husband out and taking space after learning the truth about his finances?'
"AITA for kicking my husband out of the house because I needed to process our relationship alone?"
I'm a 34F married to a 33M for 3 years, we dated for 2 years before marriage, and we live in a VHCOL city.
My husband is an artist type and does freelance. Every time he finds a stable job doing design, he somehow loses it (quit of got laid off) for various reasons. so in average he doesn't contribute much financially. I'm a full time office worker, had a really demanding job and I eventually quit for a higher paying job that I don't like. The job is killing me, but I make enough to support both of us when he's out of work.
This was something I knew before we got married. I also know that he has some student loans and credit card debt, so we did the preup thing. I've mentioned to him several time that I would really hope he could find a sustainable career. And I really thought that would happen. After all, he's very talented, patient and kind. I love him very much.
We've always had our separate bank accounts, and we use a mutual account for family expenses. However, last week I started using a money-tracking app, hoping we could save more and spend more wisely in the new year. I asked my husband to link his personal accounts too.
What I found out was that just last year alone, he has spent 5000 dollars on his hobby projects and entertainment (app subscriptions, record collection etc). He also gets 6 dollar coffees almost daily, which is 150 a month while he had his last full time job.
I got really mad, because 1. we've talked about being frugal and save up for things. 2. I've told him to track his spending, since it's not news that he spends all he makes when he has a job. 3. I've been supporting him in the past few months, on top of that we had to spend a lot on house repair and it's still ongoing.
He told me it wasn't intentional, and confessed he never checked his spending carefully. There are services he forgot he subscribed to and cost over 100 bucks a month. Also, because his bank balance is so low, he gets charged a fee every month, for each and all of his accounts.
Basically, he's in a horrible financial state, has made poor decisions where he spends his money, and does not know how to track or budget himself. I told him that this is enough, that this is really irresponsible since I've been so frugal but he's just squandering money on selfish things. I needed some space alone, and I asked him to go stay with his parents for a while out of state.
We've also had discussions about kids and future before the new year, and he thinks that we are not ready. I'm 34 and I'm worried that he's never going to be ready.
It's been almost a week since he left the apartment, and I still don't know how I feel about everything. I definitely don't want a divorce, but I don't know what to do. The spending time apart thing might be more hurtful than helpful for our relationship I'm afraid, but I really needed to set my boundaries and he has to learn to grow. AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
WanderingGnostic said:
It's a mess. You can't force him to budget. You can't force him to streamline or cut back. If you want any kind of future family with him it's fiscally unsustainable. The only thing I'd know to do is to literally take over ALL the money and give him an allowance, but that's an admittedly shitty thing to have to do with an adult.
OP responded:
That's what one of my friends suggested. I truly didn't want to get there, because I want an equal relationship. But if that's the only solution for us to be happily married, I might have to go there. Just hate to be his wife + mom + accountant + boss all at once
Accurate_Put7416 said:
NTA. But why would you have kids with this person? You already have an adult child, anyway...
throwaway66778889 said:
I get that you love him and all, but it’s so offensive to me that he won’t get a job to alleviate some of your stress. Like, I would fucking love to be “an artist type” and do freelance work. I love art and design and could’ve gotten a low-paying job in that field, but when push comes to shove I needed to get a real job to pay bills.
He’s living a lifestyle he can’t afford and you’re funding it. You’re enabling his poor treatment of you. You’re at the point where you’re seriously gaslighting yourself into thinking “well I guess we just can’t afford kids even though I want them” because he can’t get his shit together!? That makes me so sad for you. I’m really sorry OP.
OP responded:
dont be sorry, I yell at myself every day thinking the same. I didnt disclose this but i also come from a family where my parents were divorced over money issues when i was young, so i really don't want to repeat their mistakes in my marriage. I just want things to work, and I'm ok to be the bread winner as long as he can collaborate with me and b a team player
Intelligent_Buyer516 said:
I would look into freezing your eggs. He sounds like he had spending issue like an addict. Look into a divorce attorney to know your rights in case things go left. I’m sorry this is happening.
nurse-ratchet- said:
NTA: he’s 33 and if he hasn’t grown up by now, he’s likely not going to get there. It kind of sounds like you are already taking care of a child.
OP responded:
That's what i told him before kicking him out.
Golden_Mandala said:
You are NTA. You are in a mess. I have no more idea what you should do than you do. What to do with a husband you love and enjoy, but who creates an impossible financial burden on you and doesn’t seem to be able or willing to take responsibility for it? I have no idea. Both the good and the bad seem strong and irrefutable. I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.
And OP responded:
thank you.. I know you can't change someone, but I was hopeful that he could start making some change and grow more responsible financially. That's what I'm hoping this 'break' can achieve. Overall he's a great person, my family loves him, our friends love him... this is really the only thing that's dragging us down, but also such an important part of most of our lives