'AITA for basically kicking my husband’s cousin out because my husband refuses to embarrass him?'

"AITA for basically kicking my husband’s cousin out because my husband refuses to 'embarrass' him?"

I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here so I need an outside perspective because my husband is making me feel like a controlling monster. I (26f) and my husband (33m) have two kids, a 4yo boy and a 1yo girl. We do okay money-wise, nice house, suburbs, etc.

My husband works crazy hours in finance so he’s gone most of the day. I work from home as a project manager. People seem to think "work from home" means "I sit around watching Netflix," but I am actually working. It’s stressful. Two months ago husband’s cousin "Greg" (27m) moved in.

He lost his job/apartment and needed a place to crash to get back on his feet. I said yes because I honestly thought, hey, another adult around might help? Maybe he can watch the baby while I pee?

Huge mistake.

Greg is basically a phantom teenager. He sleeps till noon, eats all the snacks I buy for the kids (I literally hid fruit snacks in my bedroom), and leaves dishes everywhere. The other day I walked into the kitchen and he was making a sandwich on the counter, left the crusts and crumbs, and just walked away.

The breaking point was Friday. I was on a zoom call with a client, door shut. The baby woke up from her nap screaming. Greg was in the living room watching a movie. He didn't even pause the movie. I had to apologize, mute myself, run out, and grab the baby. When I asked him why he didn't check on her he said "I didn't want to overstep". It made no sense and felt weird to me because my child is his niece.

I sat my husband down that night. I told him I’m done. I’m doing the cooking, cleaning, working full time, and picking up after a 27-year-old man. I told husband he needs to talk to Greg and set ground rules: do your own dishes, take out the trash, and maybe help with the kids if I’m working.

My husband got weirdly defensive. He said he "can’t" tell Greg to do chores. His reasoning is that Greg is older than me (he's 27, I'm 26) and he’s going through a hard time, and it would be "humiliating" for him to be bossed around in his cousin’s house. He said guys have a pride thing about this and if he starts treating Greg like a maid, it’ll destroy his confidence when he’s already down.

Basically, he’d rather I suffer than make his cousin feel awkward. I told him that was BS and his "pride" isn't my problem. I said either Greg steps up or he moves out. My husband said I’m being a "hostile host" and that I don't understand how hard it is for a guy to lose his independence. Now husband is sulking and Greg is still on my couch and the vibes in the house are awful.

I feel like I'm reasonable for expecting a houseguest to help, but husband is convinced I’m being an insensitive jerk who wants to emasculate his family member.

So please tell me if I am TA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

nostraferatu wrote:

NTA. Quiet quit. Do nothing for your husband and his cousin. Only take care of yourself.

Illustrious-Onion329 wrote:

ESH. Cousin should be embarrassed to be acting like a child and creating extra work for his host that graciously opened up their home during a trying time. However, child care while you’re at work needs to be an actual adult conversation not an assumption on your part.

Husband needs to not dismiss the trouble cousin is causing for you in your household. It’s super easy for him to invite another body into your space when it doesn’t impact him at all.

craic-a-lacken wrote:

NTA. He's ok humiliating you, his wife, by making you clean up after a grown man who walks all over you and is literally stealing food from your children, but not ok with asking his slob of a cousin to wash a dish that he dirties or wipe down some crumbs? Pretty misogynistic to expect it of you but not of him. Skip your husband. Tell your cousin in law he's a grown man and needs to clean up after himself.

If it's not something he's accustomed to, you can show him the ropes, but ultimately, it's his responsibility as a decent human being to pick up after himself. And if that's not something he's willing to do, then he needs to find another place to crash. It's your house too, you get to make rules as well. You have a say over houseguests and acceptable behavior.

Especially if the cleanup is solely your responsibility. If he's embarrassed or humiliated that his wife kicked out his cousin, then he's mistaken. He should be embarrassed and humiliated that he allowed his cousin to behave like a child, and that you had to explain to a grown adult how to act like one.

hel-be-praised wrote:

I’m leaning ESH. Your husband’s cousin is more than old enough to be able to clean up after himself and refrain from eating all of someone else’s food. It’s ridiculous that you had to hide your children’s snacks from him and that you’re expected to clean up after a grown adult.

Your husband is the asshole for not backing you up and spouting BS about men and independence like having to live with family after losing a job/house isn’t stressful and potentially embarrassing for women too.

He should be backing you and he should talk to his cousin about cleaning up after himself. Who cares if it embarrassed his cousin? The cousin should be embarrassed. I think you’re also TA in this situation because it doesn’t sound like you actually spoke to the cousin about providing childcare in any form, you just assumed he’d help out in that one particular moment.

I understand why he said he thought that helping in that moment might be overstepping because without a proper conversation some people would consider it to be overstepping. If you want him to help out with childcare you should have had a clear conversation about that before he moved in.

slonkycat wrote:

NTA. Greg is a bum and your husband is using some weird macho pride bullshit to justify his laziness. However, I don’t think Greg was wrong in feeling he might be overstepping by going to check on your child. Some parents would be uncomfortable with that. You should kick him out or at least call him out for all the other stuff though.

Kiwifarmdog wrote:

ESH. Greg is a bum. He should be embarrassed that he’s not even doing the bare minimum of adulting and cooking and cleaning up after himself. Your husband is an AH for thinking that Greg’s behaviour is acceptable. And you shouldn’t be putting childcare expectations on someone else, especially if that wasn’t a prearranged agreement when he moved in.

Your child, your responsibility. If caring for your child interferes with your work, then that’s a problem you need to resolve, not expect Greg to be a mind reader. Personally, I’d tell your husband that you didn’t sign up to be maid to him or Greg. And then go on strike. Do the bare minimum to keep you and baby functional. They can fend for themselves.