'AITA for kicking my mom out after she ruined our engagement announcement?'
"AITA for kicking my mom out after she ruined our engagement announcement?"
Tbh I don’t know why this is being turned against us but doesn’t hurt to know from others if this was really an asshole moment or family being “family”
I (25M) have been with my fiancée Tanya (25f) for 5 yrs. My mom never approved of Tanya all because she has an 8 yr old son, Alex. Yeah she did have him young. We dated for a year and half before she was comfortable with me meeting Alex. Me and him have been best friends ever since. Seriously I love that kid to death.
And that’s the issue my mom has. She doesn’t like that I’m close with Alex so she says stupid jokes or comments how Tanya shouldn’t be tying me down with a kid and maybe she should get his real dad to do that.
She thinks Tanya as this stereotypical teen mom who’s baby daddy bailed when that’s not it at all. Alex’s dad passed away while she was pregnant. It deeply traumatized her since she saw it happen and never was comfortable sharing that because it’s too painful to talk about.
I figured this was her story to tell and if she didn’t wanna say anything I wouldn’t either. Never told my mom but always told her she needed to stop talking that way about Tanya and for the most part she did whenever she saw how it pisses me off. It’s been a constant thing with her no matter how many times I fight with my mom over it.
Last weekend we had my parents over to our apartment along with my sister, and we announced we’re getting engaged. Everyone else was happy for us but ofc my mom had to go and ruin it with a passive aggressive joke, “I guess you couldn’t find Alex’s dad after all.”
Seriously when we were all just celebrating, she went and killed it. That was it for me. Tanya wasn’t happy either. Can’t say almost everything I said because of character limit but basically said for years she never respected my relationship or Tanya when she never did anything wrong.
She raised a great kid that I love and they’re going to be a part of my life. So if she can’t accept that or respect my future wife then she needs to leave my apartment. Everyone was very serious and my mom just got up and left mad. I apologized to my dad, he told me he’s sorry too. Only person left was my sister and she had a lot to say about kicking my own mom out.
She agreed my mom was horrible but “that’s not how you do things”. I retold the rest of this to my cousins and also my best friend, who all sort of feel the same way. My mom hasn’t actually apologized and I’ve heard from my dad that she’s telling everyone how disrespectful I’m being and how embarrassing it felt to be kicked out of my apartment.
I feel like I’m losing it here. I don’t get how it’s so wrong when she had the choice to stay & you know...accept that I’m getting married and respect my fiancée. Was I really an @$$hole in any way in this situation? It feels weird having to ask but here we are.
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
nonstopflux said:
You are definitively NTA. Words have meaning. Actions have consequence. She said something horrible and deserves the most simple consequence of being asked to leave. What a disgusting thing for her to have done.
Edit: you didn’t even kick her out! You gave her an opportunity to reframe her thoughts and she left! You are so not in the wrong here OP. Congrats on the engagement!
[deleted] said:
NTA. I'm sorry. That sounds terrible. Your mom was way out of line, no matter what her motivations were or what knowledge she had regarding your fiance. Congrats on your engagement. It sounds like you and Tanya will have some big challenges ahead of you. One observation moving forward: protect Alex at all costs, especially with regard to your mother.
OP responded:
Thanks. Not sure how things are gonna b in the future but we’ll always be thinking whatevers best Alex. She never actually says anything when he’s around so at least we didn’t have to worry about that in the past.
Captain_Tiny said:
NTA - stand up for your fiancée and your kid. Your mum sounds really disrespectful and rude, and neither you, Tanya, or Alex should have to put up with that sh!t.
Disastrous_Home186 said:
NTA do not let your mum come to the wedding unless she apologises and learns to respect your fiancée
Amraff said:
NTA. Your mom had 5 years to smarten up and stop being a snarky b- but rather than work on building a relationship with her future daughter in law (and grandson), she decided she would rather play the wronged party. She's not. Your fiancee and your stepson deserve better then this so kudos for standing up to her.
I think a serious heart-to-heart with just you and your kom is a necessity so you can tell her exactly how ridiculous and disrespectful she has been. From that chat, make you decision on if you will be letting her attend the wedding. Oh, and congrats on your engagement!
DeBlasioDeBlowMe said:
ESH. This could have been avoided by telling your mom that the kids dad is dead. Instead of having a conversation like a normal person which could protect your fiancé, the type of things people tell each other all the time to prepare others for appropriate social context, you hide behind “it’s her story to tell”. Yeah, sure, but where has this strategy gotten you? Not just this instance, but over years.
A quick, “Hey, FYI, Alex’s dad passed away so don’t mention him” is all it would have taken. Is your mom an AH? Yeah. But a lot of this could have been avoided. You’ve basically enabled the abuse of your fiancé for no reason other than your stupid “I figured it’s her story to tell” philosophy.
bossymomma29 said:
YTA for letting your mom talk shit to/about that poor girl for 5 years! It isn’t your story to tell but I’m side eyeing the hell out of you, you can drop that bit of information on the internet but not drop it on your mom to shut her up and defend your girlfriend. You’ve let her think this way about her for 5 years without correcting her.
OP responded:
Yeah cause there’s a difference between telling random strangers on a throwaway account and my mom who is actually in my life. Tanya didn’t want her or others to know so I wasn’t going to say anything
ms_movie said:
NTA - Good on you for to defend choosing your Fiancée (who did absolutely nothing wrong) over your mom (who was being a brat on purpose). We really need to see more of that on this sub. I have been married over 20 years and the truth of the matter is your spouse becomes your most important family member. That’s what marriage is.
And OP responded:
Wow congrats on the 20+yrs. that’s really awesome. Just random question that doesn’t really have to do much with the post but what is if that made you guys last so long? I know that’s like a pretty broad question lol.
I’m just curious to know married couples who’ve been together that long and how they manage to stay strong in their relationship. I’m pretty nervous about this (not cause I’m doubting) and I really want us to last you know?