'AITA for kicking my mother out of my apartment due to her immature response about food?'
"AITA for kicking my mother out of my apartment due to her immature response about food?"
My mother and father went through a divorce and mom moved into my apartment. I didn't ask for rent or anything, but she insisted she'd at least cook for me. Which seemed like a good deal. I told her that unlike before, I had a pretty strict diet (I used to be really fat) That would be no issue my mother assured me.
Apparently it was. She kept making the same 'healthy home cooked meals' she used to make me. Mashed potato and gravy every other meal, pastas and lasagnas. All the stuff that I instantly cut out the moment I left her house originally.
At first I politely reminded her about my diet, yet she brushed it off. Pretty soon whenever I complained about dinner or ate something else, she'd guilt trip me. Saying how I was judging her way of life, telling me I didn't appreciate her food enough or what she had done and was doing for me. Not proud of it, but eating up was often easier than talking with my mother.
I started putting on a crazy amount of weight. I quickly ballooned back to my previous weight and then I began to get even bigger. I really dislike my new figure, but I feel like I can't change my diet with my mom living with me.
When I confronted my mother, she simply said that she was making sure I eat 'healthy' now and that she saw no issues with what she was cooking or how she acted about me not eating her food.
When I pointed out what the food is doing to me (which is freaking obvious...) she said she didn't mind taking care of me like that. I feel a bit defeated and don't know what to do. I love my mother, but I feel like she's not being considerate at all.
At this point I've decided she's got to move out. Am I the AH or will I be the AH for skipping her cooked meals and kicking her out of my apartment? At this point I feel like that is the only step.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Just tell her that cooking for her rent isn't working out. Have her pay you something minor and cook for yourself. If she fusses, give her the move out alternative.
StroopwafelLove (OP)
Oh that is a pretty good suggestion. Maybe that'll ease up some of the tensions.
ESH. Your mother is clearly an AH, because she is dismissing what you say about your diet, cooking crap, and guilt tripping you, but...It is not your mother's fault that you are gaining weight. That is all on you. That you are blaming her makes you an AH.
It's not her fault you don't know how to set and enforce a boundary. Learn the power of "No." Whether you kick her out or not is irrelevant to my judgement. It feels a bit like the nuclear option, but in my book, what makes you an AH is not being accountable for your own actions and choices and shifting the blame elsewhere. YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT HER COOKING.
NTA - your mother is NOT providing 'healthy' meals, she's fattening you up for the kill. I relate to the 'be complicit to save your sanity - it's not a healthy way to cope, but it's really hard to fight against childhood habits.
She refuses to acknowledge that you don't want that any more, and she's forcing you into literally either fight or flight. But you don't WANT to fight, and flight isn't possible when it's YOUR HOME. So the only other option is telling her to find a new place to live because she is literally killing you with 'kindness'.
"Mom either accept that I will be cooking my own meals with NO passive aggressive comments or behavior OR you have to move out. You get to decide."
Can you just not eat her food? She is being disrespectful by not complying to your diet, but what if you both just had separate meals and you prepare your own?
StroopwafelLove (OP)
I've tried suggesting that, but whenever I do she'll get really defensive about the food. She feels like her food is healthy and that I shouldn't be picky. Mind you I'm by no means skinny and already put on a ton of weight since she moved in, so it's not like I'm a twig eating only salads.
This has the feel of Munchausen syndrome by proxy. Your mom is knowingly abusing you and trying to control you (and has been wildly successful). She knows that what she is doing is wrong, and so do you.
OP you need to value yourself/health and let your mom know that living together is not working out. Give her a time line to move out, let her know that she does not need to cook for you any longer, and stand up for yourself. If she continues to push her food on you tell her she will need to move out sooner.
YTA to yourself. You’re 25 and eating foods that aren’t healthy for you because you can’t say no to mommy. She’s alone and wants you alone too so she has a fat buddy. Stop eating her food. Go out with friends. Work out. Be healthy and kick mommy to the curb. Be the adult woman you are and eat what you want. Stop catering to her. She isolating you so she isn’t alone.
ESH. Her Cooking for you was not required for her to move in, but she said she would cook for you. You can always make your own meals and inform her you'll be cooking your meals separately.
StroopwafelLove (OP)
When I accepted I didn't think she'd be so defensive about her cooking. She'll actually get upset and throw a bit of a tantrum if I make my own food and that I'm buying into health hypes when I used to never do that. That sorta thing, which just makes it extremely hard.
NTA - You mom is actively sabotaging you. Why? Because misery loves company. If you feel unhealthy, unattractive, if your clothes don’t fit then you’re likely to become a homebody which perhaps would suit her want of companionship just fine.
Do yourself a favour and either meal prep for yourself or buy meals that suit your lifestyle and caloric needs and bring them home to eat. Do not leave them at home with her because they’ll go missing, be thrown away or have extra things added to them.