'AITA for kicking my sister out while she’s going through a bad time?' *UPDATE*
"AITA for kicking my sister out while she’s going through a bad time?
I (F33) live a comfortable life with my family. We are well off and live a typical suburban lifestyle. Recently, my sister (F29) got fired from her job due to an event that she avoids discussing. She was scrambling to scrounge up enough money for rent, food, and other necessities and was trying to locate a new position.
My parents were more than willing to help her, yet they live hours away from where she was living. Since I was closer, my parents suggested that I welcome her into my household temporarily to provide her with a secure place to stay while she gets back on her feet.
My husband (M34) and I cleared out a spare bedroom that we used for storage and it became her room. We did not charge her rent, but instead expected that she picked up her weight in other ways such as watching the kids when available, helping with chores, contributing to groceries, etc.
At first, my sister was acting great. She expressed appreciation, fulfilled the previously listed agreements, and found a job. She was a productive member of the family and it was nice having her there as another parent-figure for my kids.
This continued for about 4 months before issues started to arise. I noticed that my sister started coming home and late hours and disrupted our household flow. She stopped contributing to groceries, let alone even purchasing her OWN food. She seldom spent time with the kids.
She stopped taking care of her room and it was often trashed (piles of expired food, heaps of dirty laundry, etc.). She continued to leave for work each day, so my husband and I decided to not mention anything unless that changed.
One night at dinner a month later, I casually mentioned that she may need to clean her room, as it was getting a bit smelly and was generally unsanitary. She instantly got defensive and claimed that that’s just how she is and how she likes to keep her space. I dropped it.
She started sharing about how she finally feels comfortable at her job, and we expressed excitement that she was doing well and getting back on her feet. She instantly took offense to that as well and claimed that we were celebrating her getting close to leaving. After she mentioned that, my husband asked what her plans were regarding her living situation.
We reminded her that this was originally a temporary arrangement made to help get get back on track and now that she feels that she’s back on track, it might be a good time to start considering moving back out.
My sister replied saying that although her job is going well, she does not have enough savings to agree to a new lease. When I questioned about where her savings had been going to seeing as she stopped paying for groceries, she told me that she had been sending it to her boyfriend to pay for his car.
At this point, my husband and I were completely flabbergasted. We felt that she had been taking advantage of our kindness. We felt that she had been taking advantage of our generosity (our money, food, home, leniency) under false pretenses.
We continued to live like this for another month until we finally had enough. She was almost never home (except to eat our home cooked meals) and contributed nothing. I sat her down and told her that she needs to get her life together or she can’t live here any longer because not only is it disrespectful to us, but it’s not a healthy situation for our young children anymore.
She started crying and blew up saying that she has been struggling with mental health and no one understands her. The discussion escalated and she ended up smashing a family portrait of us in our youth. I grabbed her phone and car keys and kicked her out the door.
It’s been a little while since that happened and we have since cleared out her disgusting room. My parents were furious with me and say that I was being unreasonable. I personally feel like I extended myself tremendously only for her to use me. She continued to make poor decisions as a fully capable, fully grown adult woman approaching her thirties.
I understand that mental health is something that can hinder a person’s ability to live a productive and happy life, but I don’t believe that excused her behavior. Please give honest opinion!! AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
grayblue_grrl said:
" my sister (F29) got fired from her job due to an event that she avoids discussing..."
Yeah. She's toxic. And you do need to have peace in your house. NTA.
Chilling_Storm said:
Sorry didn't read the whole thing - your house, your rules, and you will NOT be the AH for kicking out a disruptive person. You were only meant to be a quick stop as she got her shit together and now she thinks she is entitled to your home. Tell your parents to stay out of it, it is between grown ass adults, one of whom owns a home and the other who is taking advantage of the other's kindness. Change the locks.
jenjluginbuhl said:
NTA. I had to do something similar with my oldest (29 yr old) son. He is fully capable, but continues to make poor decisions that derail his life. We felt bad kicking him out the last time he came to live with us last year, but he needs to figure himself out.
DrVL2 said:
It sounds as if she was taking advantage of you. She was making poor financial decisions also. And you’re right, it was not a good environment for your children. It’s always hard with family, but your children come first.
Your family with you and your husband should also come first. That means moving people out when necessary. I’m sorry that this happened to you with your sister. I hope she gets her life together. NTA.
Maverick_j2k said:
No. WAIT A MIN... She had a man the entire time sending him money but living with you? WHY wasn't she with him!?
Less then a day later, she shared this update:
This evening, I got an unexpected call from my husband. He told me that as he was driving through our neighborhood on the way back from work, he saw a woman that looked like my sister walking in the direction of my house.
He told me the he rolled down the window and yelled at the woman to verify that it was actually her and it was. He said that she had a scared expression and immediately started speed walking. After describing the situation, he hung up and shorted returned home.
As soon as he entered the home and was able to take over watching the kids, I decided to step outside to investigate. That’s when I saw my sister, looked rather put together and holding a homemade pie (a family recipe), approaching my driveway.
To be honest, I may not have handled this situation the best way. I immediately told her that she needs to leave and is not welcome here under any circumstances. Instead of blowing up and playing victim like I assumed she would, she asked if we could have a civil discussion about what happened.
We sat on my front deck and she told me that she’s been doing well the past 2 weeks and has been staying in an Airbnb that her boyfriend paid for. She said that she’s continued working for her job.
I congratulated her and made sure to let her know that I was genuinely happy to know that she was not completely lost and has some direction. She told me that she was grateful that I kicked her out because it gave her the opportunity to reflect on her mental health.
There was then an awkwardly long moment of silence. I developed an uneasy feeling.
Like expected, she then asked if I could gift her money as an “apology for kicking her out” so that she can attend a month-long therapy retreat.
I went ballistic and maybe said some things that were hurtful. I smashed the pie on her chest. I told her to get off of my property and call her boyfriend to pick her up or do whatever she needs to do to leave. I threatened to call the police.
She left crying and walking alone. I’m still unsure if anything she said was true? I’m still in shock that she did this after only 2 weeks? I’m debating if I maybe overreacted and should have been more understanding? Maybe the therapy retreat would actually be beneficial to her mental health? I don’t know…