'AITA for kicking my son's GF out of our house because of her crass "joke"?' UPDATED

"AITA for kicking my son’s girlfriend out of our house?"

My husband (58 M) and I (56 F) recently met my son’s (24 M) girlfriend for the first time. He’s been crazy about her. Apparently they’ve been dating for a year before he decided to have her meet us officially. What he’s told us about her all seems great: she just got her degree, was enjoying her job, family-oriented, etc., I’m honestly just glad he’s happy with her.

My husband and I don’t think he’s ever been this into someone before, so I feel pretty bad about what I did. Last weekend, he brought her over for dinner. By now we’d been anticipating meeting her with how much our son has been gushing about her. How perfect she is, that she’s ‘the one’, in his words.

They ring the doorbell. We open the door. She looks exactly like her pictures, which is a great start. My son is grinning ear to ear - another great start. We invite them in. She accepts my hug and a firm handshake from my husband, and then she opens her mouth: “I’m the one your son puts his [private part] in.”

To be frank, I was appalled. I expected my husband to laugh (both he and my son are jokesters, and as annoying as it can be I love it) but THIS was just too much for me. Maybe I’m reserved, but of all things she could have shared about my son she told us THAT. One look at my face and my husband knew how much I disapproved.

Maybe I let my expectations get too high, and it’s unfair to have them, but I reiterate: of all things to say to her boyfriend’s parents - whom she’d never met - she chose THAT? My son was amused at first but when he noticed my reaction his face dropped.

I felt like he’d sold me the full package, everything he’d always been looking for in a girlfriend. I was too disturbed by the visual it put in my head, and it translated into anger. I told her to get out, and I wanted to say more about how gross it made me feel but I fortunately left it at that.

My son didn’t want to go, insisting I give her another chance, but I was too fed up and uncomfortable by this point. Even my husband, who’s enjoyed his fair share of raunchy jokes, wouldn’t let up.

They left and I immediately felt guilty. This was something my son had really looked forward to and I feel like I took that away over a dumb joke. I tried calling to apologize but he hasn’t responded. My husband thinks she’s the one who should apologize. I’m considering giving her another chance, but before I do, was I the AH?

What do you think? AITA?

Here are some of the top comments, and OP's responses:

Is it possible your son told her to say that?

"This honestly wouldn’t surprise me but I’m not gonna lie I’d be disappointed in him. That’s not something he’d ever say in front of me directly because he knows I’m not a fan of any of personal jokes of that nature.

So to make his girlfriend say it wouldn’t be very good and I’d hope that if that is the case that he makes it up to her somehow. I’ll try to reach out again to let them know we can try again. That possibility makes me feel 1000 times worse"

Did she even try to apologize or was she nervous?

"I honestly don’t think I gave her enough time to react properly, and I regret that. Things could have gone a lot smoother if I had. She was just sort of frozen in shock, and she kept looking at my son to try to convince me not to kick her out. I guess she wasn’t sure what else she could say at that point."

"It’s hard to say for sure because I don’t know her that well yet, but I think she was anxious, too much to realize what she said was inappropriate, so if she was embarrassed I couldn’t tell. I also don’t think I gave her much of a chance since it all happened so fast. I’ll try to reach out to my son about it!"

Has your husband been making any raunchy jokes leading up to her visit? Something like "can't wait to meet the person you're sleeping with?"

"I can honestly say no, I’ve never heard my husband say that. He’s raunchy, yes but not when it comes to our kids."

OP reflects:

"I agree I should’ve been more patient about it. I think if we were to try again things will go much smoother, hopefully we can laugh about this later down the line (and leave it at that)"

"I wish I took this approach! Without making too many excuses for myself I can say I got too caught in the heat of the moment."

"I’d love to give her another chance! Just as long as I’m not given any more graphic visuals (especially at dinner). I hope she’s willing to try again."

"He’s not forcing me to give her another chance, I WANT a do-over. I think we all deserve it. I don’t think she’ll make another joke like that again."

Can you try texting/contacting her directly?

"I would love that approach but I unfortunately don’t have any way of contacting her except through my son. He said he’ll give me a call when he gets the chance so surely by the end of the week. I can’t imagine how badly I made her feel about this and regret it."

A few (heavily downvoted) comments on 'you should just be more sex positive'

"Not gonna lie i think this took an extreme turn. I’m not at all against sex inclusivity/positivity or whatever it is. I’m well aware it’s human nature, and that my son has sex. I know it’s normal. But I’m entitled to my ignorance about the details. They’ve already been dating a year, I’d be surprised if they WEREN’T having sex. That doesn’t warrant her saying it though."

A few days after her original post, she added this edit:

I should clear some things up: My husband had no part in my reaction, I did the kicking out, not him. I don’t want him taking the fall for this. He said she should apologize, but I’m not expecting an apology. Sorry for the confusion.

My son lives in a nearby state, it can take about an hour to get back to where we live. He also hasn’t dated anyone seriously for a while, maybe a couple of years. He told us before that he wouldn’t bring anyone home unless he’s sure he wants a future with her. We’ve been asking to meet her ever since he told us about her, but he wanted to be ready.

The comment about her looking like her picture shows my age, sorry for that! He’s only shown us her photos she’s sent him as he apparently didn’t have any of them together (he hates taking pictures and apparently she’s always teasing him about it). I don’t think he’d ever lie about who she is, but it’s just a parental concern I’ve subconsciously had.

I felt the same way about my daughter’s (then) boyfriend when we first met him. I don’t have any criteria that either of my kids’ spouses need to meet, I just hope my kids are happy with them.

What I meant by her being ‘the full package’ was indicative of what he’s told us about her. As his parents we have a good idea of what he looks for in a partner and she checked off everything based on what we’d been told. And on top of everything (aside from what she said) her appearance was how she presented it to be.

Again, we aren’t strict about appearances, it’s just a relief to have met someone for the first time and they look like what you’d expected. My husband said that I was worried about ‘second-hand catfishing’ if that’s even a thing lol. I guess it shows how anxious I was about this.

Also thank you for your comments and rewards! I’ve had a fee people reach out to me personally, too, thank you for that. Regardless of where you stand, I appreciate it. I personally think everyone needs some room for improvement here but I’ve done my part to make amends and I’m waiting on my son to call me! I’ll be sure to give an update about how it goes.

Commenters agreed: NTA.

One and a half weeks later, she shared this update:

Thanks for reaching out everyone. My son got in touch with me. His girlfriend agreed to try again. We all met at a restaurant my son and his girlfriend chose. The first thing she said was an apology for what she said. I apologized for my reaction. We hugged. It was nice.

She then explained how my son had convinced her a joke like that would land well, and that she wouldn’t have said it if she didn’t think we’d like it. According to my son, she was reluctant to open with any jokes at all, but they came up with that one together on the way over. You guys were right!

She’s a really sweet girl. She’s actually very mature, too. I see why my son likes her so much. My husband and I really like her, we told our son to bring her when he visits. We look forward to seeing them again. Overall, I’m glad we could start over. On the right foot this time. Thanks, everyone for your input.