'AITA for kicking my nephew out when I saw the 'gift' he got for my daughter?' + NEPHEW RESPONSE
"AITA for kicking my nephew out when I saw the 'gift' he got for my daughter?"
Far_Experience4284
My(40f) daughter (16f) has a lot of medical conditions and has spent a lot of time in hospitals, has had tons of surgeries. A lot of these conditions also cause extreme pain and limit her ability to do a lot of things she wanted to do.
My nephew (18m) is a bit of a prankster, and has done some pretty bad things in the past. Her birthday was yesterday and we had family come over (obviously masks, vaccinated, tests before coming and after), and we were opening gifts and my nephew had gotten her a customized clock and had a poem on it.
The pictures were replacing the numbers on the clock and of her in hospital beds, I don't know how he got a hold of them as its mainly my sister/his mom or my husbands family that had them.
The poem was about happy memories and how he hopes she makes more of them in the future. My daughter started tearing up at it and when I read it I got angry and told them to leave.
My sister told me she wouldn't as her son was just joking. I said that this goes beyond jokes and I wouldn't allow it in my house. She said I was overreacting, and my son (18m) had to step in and lead them out.
Now a lot of the family is mad at me saying I overreacted and am taking things to seriously and need to lighten up a bit, and I am starting to feel that they are right, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
nathashanails
NTA. He made her cry on her birthday, I don’t understand how they can defend that. He clearly upset her. It’s not a joke if no one is laughing.
30flips
Yep. Let’s all support a bully and make the birthday girl cry. Way to lay the boot in for someone who already had to deal with so many issues in life. NTA, sooo NTA. But please explain to the sister that her son is a cruel bully who she is enabling. Some people are just blind to it until it is pointed out.
Shiny_Agumon
Also this dude is 18 years old! We're talking about an adult here, not an edgy teenager who doesn't know better. NTA.
gw2kpro
"The pictures were replacing the numbers and of her in hospital beds"
WTF. That is all.
Well, two days later, the nephew mentioned found his aunt's post online and wanted to share his side of the story.
clockguy02
Okay I'm going to jump on this comment so this doesn't get buried. I'm pretty sure OP is my aunt and I'm the guy who is an ah0le but my aunt is leaving something out. My cousin has always been sick and yeah she's been in and out of hospitals all her life. Aunt can't really handle it, she keeps talking about how her daughter never had a life and never will until she "gets well" though cousin won't ever be well.
Her condition is chronic and painful, but it's not going to get much better than it is and yeah that sucks. but it feels like her mom can't accept that and keep focusing on her daughter getting better.
But I think that cousin's life can't wait for that because that'll never happen. But if anyone tries to talk about that to aunt she flips out and starts screaming about how her daughter will be fine and be able to do everything. I just stopped talking about it completely around her.
But cousin's been really down about it lately, with the pandemic and lockdowns and all she's been able to do even less and never sees any of her friends or anything and she and I have been talking about it.
She said she had no life and never had been happy and never would be because she'd never be fine. I tried to cheer her up and remind her that though a lot of it did suck there were good times too and times she laughed.
Like when I taught her to do card tricks or that time when we raced up and down the hospital corridor and she kept winning because she was in a wheelchair and a lot faster. We ended up laughing about a lot of stuff and she shared some of the times she was happy. After she said she felt a lot better about everything.
That gave me the idea for the gift, something to remind her that even when she was in hospital and everything sucked there were good times too and though she'll be spending a lot of her life in hospital beds there will always been good times and laughter along with the bad stuff.
So I got some pictures off my mom and some other family trying to get pictures of those times she told me about when she was happy. The clock wasn't me being fake deep.
Cousin once told me that when the pain was really bad and the doctors wouldn't give her pain meds because it wasn't good for her to get them she'd stare at the clock on the wall and follow it with her eyes as it ticked the seconds, just keeping her mind on getting through from one second to the next.
It wouldn't make it easier for her, but that way she could get through it. So I wanted to give her something she could look at and remember that even if things was really, really bad right now, there'd be times where it wasn't as bad. And okay the poem was really cringe but I thought it would make her laugh because it was so bad it was fun.
But when she opened it she just burst into tears and my aunt started yelling at me and then her and mom started arguing. I just sat there like an idiot because I felt horrible.
I know I can be a jerk at times and thoughtless, but I honestly didn't think she'd be upset. I texted cousin later and apologized for making her cry. She wrote back apologizing for crying, saying she did like it but when she saw it she just felt overwhelmed.
She also asked if I had a copy of the poem because she wanted to hang it on her wall but her mom had taken it and the clock and wouldn't give them to her. But I'm not sure I can believe her, cousin will always make sure everyone else around her is okay when she's the one hurting most.
Seeing all the verdicts here about aunt not being an asshole makes me think I just messed up a lot and should apologize to cousin, though I just meant to remind her that there was good times too.
I know I can be a jerk at times and an ah0le and I guess I really messed this up. Adding. This is an account I made just for this. Everything is enough of a mess without the whole internet knowing who I really am.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
MountainBean3479
Omg this is kind of what I thought when I read the story originally - my cousin did something similar for me after my cancer went into remission. I cried when I got it and it’s one of my most cherished possessions nowadays.
I look at it and trace the engravings to see how far I’ve come, remember I’m loved and that there’s always someone there for me to help me through the rough stuff. This is so genuinely sweet and thoughtful especially given the context.
angelbabydarling
There's just no way to know. Could be an overprotective mom who's so convinced her daughters fragile she won't let her try to live, could be a cousin accidentally taking a joke too far, could even be that the update isn't from the cousin and the actual cousin was an ah0le on purpose.
Dr_Spiders
Speaking from experience, it is very hard to deal with chronic illness and pain when you're surrounded by toxic positivity people. It is exhausting to have to constantly mask because other people can't handle your health issues. On top of actually having to deal with those health issues.
And to the cousin, this is one of those impact versus intent moments. He had good intentions, but I also wouldn't want to see pics of myself in the hospital every time I glanced at my clock. Occasional fun or not, the hospital is still literal nightmare fuel.
I don't think the cousin made the huge mistake the mother made it out to be. It was a minor, accidental mistake in a gift that was meant to come from a place of love. And if the cousin's description of the mother is accurate, I truly feel for that kid. You need someone you feel safe to be broken around on the days when you can't handle being strong. Who is validating this girl's experience?
Who is letting her grieve her lost health and also helping her find joy? Chronic illness with a bad prognosis is a black hole. Sometimes you need light. Sometimes you need someone to crawl down and sit in the hole with you so you don't have to do it all alone.
Distinct-Inspector-2
If the cousin’s POV (or the whole post) is legit, I can understand his perspective. I was a teenager with a chronic/painful illness with no end in sight and a huge issue between myself and my parents was that they wanted me to get better, which meant in some very important ways they treated me like I was broken and my life had stopped, and life doesn’t just stop like that.
I struggled to accept disability and my parents made it harder by refusing to acknowledge that it was potentially permanent and I needed to just live my life anyway. That said, that’s something the person with illness/disability has to navigate, not necessarily their cousin.