'AITA for kicking out my husband's mistress and newborn, making them homeless?' UPDATED
"AITA for kicking out my common-law husband's mistress and newborn, making them homeless?"
My husband and I, 40f and 41m, have been together for 10 years, but never married. I consider them years to be very loving and happy, but apparently not for him since he had a side piece obviously. I make furniture and make around €1M a year. We are considered common-law husband and wife because of the time we've been living together.
My husband is a teacher. It goes without saying that I provide for us. I don’t ask what he does with his salary. We live way below our means because we are both minimalists, but we have a big house, nice cars and lots of art. Everything we own is mine, to be clear.
Apparently he met his this women (f25) under false pretenses, and told her that we were legally married, so he owned 1/2 my company and everything else I own. When she got pregnant he started spending his salary on her (I wasn’t alarmed because I didn’t know what he did with his money).
Now he is in Dubai on vacation and her lease on her apartment expired so she just showed up at my door with her baby. She told me she was his GF and that he was getting a divorce so she might as well live in his house and I could live in a hotel because I could afford it.
She didn’t have any money or home. She literally refused to step out so I called the police and locked myself in the greenhouse. When the police came she was literally unpacking the child’s clothes in the living area. They escorted her out. I was very shaken. Later I found out all the details I included above.
My husband’s mother thought I was an AH for kicking out a little baby on the street. That was her only grandson. She said I used my money and power to control everything around me.
But honestly, teachers make €60k a year, so if, as I found out later, he gave her his salary I can’t understand why she would be so homeless and destitute? She had big designer bags, designer stroller and these Van Cleef & Arpels jewelry when she showed up to my home. But now I am the AH?
I really hated the idea of a baby being homeless and I truly contemplated letting her be in the guest house but honestly I was terrified of her. 😅
Here's what people had to say to OP:
If your mother in law is so concerned about the baby, she can take them in? 🤷🏼♀️
MonthFar2068 OP responded:
She said she couldn’t because she lives in a studio apartment
This is not your problem, it is your ex-partner's problem.
NTA pack his s$#%^ and put it in the front yard when you know he’s landed and on his way to the house and let his mommy know to come get his cheating a&^ from your house. Did his mom know about the GF and baby before she turned up at your house?
MonthFar2068 OP responded:
No idea. Wow never thought about this! I assumed she only knew after I called her. But probably she did already.
She knew he was married. Thought so at least.
MonthFar2068 OP responded:
It was important to her that he was married. Because then he could get half
Responses to questions from OP:
He wants to take an early plane home to explain. What is there to explain? He said she tricked him into getting pregnant. I know that hates children but How do you trick people into having children? So many questions and absolutely no desire for getting any answers. I feel only emptiness
How do you get tricked into pregnancy if you don’t cheat? I don’t know if I ever want to see him again.
Honestly I dont hold no hard feelings towards his mother. I have a mother myself and I have seen her happiness when my brother became a father. My ex partner is an only child and he was child free or at least he pretended to be one so she had no hope of becoming a grandmother. Imagine finding out that you are.
If there’s any chance for that baby for some love and happiness, it will be with her.
She hasn’t contacted me and I don’t want her to. She will probably tell my ex partner I told you so about hin not popping the question. I would never have wanted a legal binding paper to anyone but when I was younger and still didn’t have my business I would probably have said yes and gladly so because I wanted so much for him to ask me. I would have been singing to a different tune right now.
It is these thoughts that makes it easier for me to cope now. It could have been much worse and sometimes you hate what’s happening but a few years later you realize it was for the better.
He is only on credit cards that I have canceled. We are not from the states. My assets are well protected or he would probably have left me and taken his shares already.
I am going to gather all his things and send him to his mother. What is left are my things: he has no right to that. And things we bought while living together: 50/50 no matter who payed.
All gifts no matter how expensive belong to the receiver, like his car and pc, watches etc. I don’t mind. My art/etc are protected by signed agreements that protect our assets. Any money or savings are protected by agreements.
Later OP came back with this update:
Many are asking for an update but what’s really there to update, here is what’s happened this past week and what is going to happen.
I will never see him again. It is over. He is back from his trip, probably he wasn’t expecting to start his summer vacation this way. My lawyer has already contacted him about what he’s owed. It will be transported to his mother’s apartment. Whatever more he thinks he is owed he can sue me and I will be ready and I hope he can afford my lawyers when he loses whatever lawsuit he plans to file.
Apparently the apartment that his gf lost was his. He was sending her money for the rent but she spent it on Prada instead. He swears that the baby isn’t his and that he is “going to demand a paternity test” like it would make any difference? Maybe for the baby yeah, I hope to god that the child isn’t his however so maybe there is still a small chance for that baby to have a better future and more loving parents.
I am moving in with my parents. Right now I am in a hotel but I have no desire to be in that house again with all the memories. I am selling it and while I find a new home and sell this one I will just live with my family.
The gf has contacted me a few times via social media because she needs to talk. She wants proof that we aren’t married because he told her that we are married. I don’t do delusion so I just blocked her. She has tried to contact me via her friends and mine so now everyone knows the truth without me needing to make an announcement (thank you gf!)
Not sure what more to update, if I have missed anything I will leave it in the comments.
One last thing. I am sorry for maybe using the wrong terms I am not English speaker and google found me “common law marriage” as the term used in my situation but apparently it has its certain laws in English speaking countries. Our relationship is a long term and we live together. We have separate economy. We have no rights to each other’s property or estate. We don’t even inherit each other (without a will).
However anything we purchased during the time we were living together falls under “joint estate” and is divided equally no matter who the purchaser is. I have no problems dividing these assets in half.
I have bought our house and some of my expensive art during the time we have been partners, it would have been joint assets if we didn’t have “cohabitation agreements” in place around these expensive purchases. He has no rights to them. Unlike prenups etc they are not as easy to contest because he is not legally married to me.
Under different circumstances I would probably have given him more than what he is going to get now because I am like that in general. If he had ended things. If he told me he wanted out and that he didn’t love me anymore.
Because I know that relationships end and people fall out of love. He could have respected me enough to give me that at least but he didn’t. So I will literally be counting spoons and napkins and he will not get a dime over what he is owed.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
I think you are an extremely mature woman, even if your heart is hurt you are still able to stay well and distant from everyone who makes you suffer. I hope your ex doesn't give you trouble.
His mistress must be crazy because maybe his mother must have said that how much he really earns and that he has no right and is not even a rich man as he seemed to her. Thank God you can get out of this with your head held high. I hope he doesn't disturb you.
This is a powerful narrative of reclaiming control and asserting boundaries amidst betrayal and heartache. It's a testament to resilience and self-respect.