'AITA for kicking my parents out of my home on my dad's birthday?'
"AITA for kicking my parents out of my home on my dad's birthday?"
I (30F) am an only child to my parents (61M & 60F). Since I moved out on my own, my parents blatantly disregard my boundaries. The violations range from small (like cleaning something I asked them not to) to large (going through my trash, drywalling a wall when I wasn't present, driving three hours and showing up to my home unannounced, etc.)
Father and I have difficulty seeing eye to eye sometimes, but I speak with Mother multiple times a day. My parents visited for my Father's birthday. Father asked if he could help me with laundry to which I asked him to please not touch my laundry.
Father proceeded to begin my laundry anyway. When I found out about this, I asked Mother in a very reasonable and logical tone, "What can I do or say to get you both to respect my boundaries in the future? Because clearly the way that I have expressed them has not been working." Father heard me say this and said I was ungrateful and lazy. At this point, I went outside to cool off.
Fast forward to when I come back inside, Mother states that she sees it from both perspectives and that I'm overreacting because it's just laundry. I try to explain to her that if this was a one time boundary violation then I wouldn't be putting my foot down.
She then began to say that I am ungrateful as well and that Father deserves some "grace." I couldn't hold it in any longer and asked them to leave my home. Mother began to tell me how rude it was to Father that I was kicking them out on his birthday.
I do think as a standalone incident this would've been an overreaction, but this has come at the heels of multiple violations on previous visits that have built up. Reddit, AITA here?
Edited to add: My parents generally tell me that the boundary violation occurred because they were trying to help me do "X, Y, or Z."
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. If they have keys to your place then change the locks. Rooting through your trash is a special kind of cringe behavior.
NTA, next time, because there will be a next time, ask them if they treat any other adults this way? Are they treated this way by others? So why do they think it’s ok to treat you this way. You are an adult deserving of the same courtesy they expect.
Don’t ask them anything. They have shown you how they act and what they are. I get that the mom is trying to be Switzerland because she lives with dad and loves her daughter. They should not discuss it and next time they wanna visit they need to visit at the parents’ home.
It sounds like your father is looking for ways to control you like you are still a child. STOP INVITING THEM! Stop calling multiple times per day, stop inviting them, and if they show up, do not answer the door. Boundaries don't work without consequences. They will get the message. NTA.
OMG, I hate this sooooo much! Sometimes I ask people not to do something because I KNOW THEY WILL DO IT WRONG! Beautiful fabric placemats, with gold highlights - mother wanted to wash them, I said no, she did anyway, put them in the drier, no more gold.
Realtor (for reasons I cannot fathom) decided to *help* me pack - I did not ask her to - and packed my books. In medium sized packing boxes. Which then were too heavy to move. So I had to repack.
When we opened the boxes, she'd packed them willy-nilly, with larger books bent and crammed under heavier, smaller books. Why. Please respect my boundaries, and if I ask you not to do something, DON'T DO IT. I don't want my things ruined by someone "helping" against my will.
Stock-Ant9357 (OP)
Thank you for this validation. Sometimes I feel like a b-word for doing it but some things just aren’t meant for others to do!
I don’t get it. It is your father’s birthday and he needs to do your laundry?!? This is just too weird. What father does that? Your parents are beyond strange.
NTA! I would not allow them in the house unless either you invite them, or they call to request a visit first. That should be boundary number one. Beyond that, if they break any other clearly stated boundaries once there, let them know they will be asked to leave.
Also, people handle certain fabrics in laundry differently than others, and there’s a chance they could ruin your clothing! No name calling would be another suggestion for a boundary. It’s bs that he called you lazy when you didn’t even want him touching your laundry in the first place!!!
NTA. You need to block your parents’ access to your place, whatever that takes. Change the locks, etc. I would be livid if someone else touched my laundry let alone went through my trash.
Express your love AND hold your boundaries. The way to maintain the relationship and keep from getting angry is to be lovingly firm. “I’m sorry you don’t understand this, but I hope someday you will.” Meet them at a park or a restaurant and just don’t allow them in your home for now. (Hopefully they’re not paying your rent.)
NTA. Change your locks. Install cameras. Make it clear to your parents since they've refused to accept you're an adult and repeatedly and blatantly disrespect you, your boundaries, and your home, that they are no longer welcome to visit your home. You'll see them outside your home and won't be entertaining any more of their boundary stomping.