'AITA for telling my SIL my kids won't attend her destination wedding if reception is kid-free?'

"AITA for telling my SIL my kids wont be traveling to Europe with her for her wedding because she didn’t invite them to the reception?"

My SIL was in my wedding and because we live in different countries (along with the rest of my bridesmaids) we ran the dates past everyone because of travel/work etc.

My SIL is getting married in a year. We both work in education but she is taking this year off. She selected the date to get married two weeks before school gets out. She has two children herself but her revenue is 45 mins from her house. We just had our 4th baby and she is getting married a few days before our babies bday.

The cost of traveling for the wedding with the 4 kids is around 6k. We planned to make this our big family trip since we all havnt been there in a few years. We recently were told that she wanted two of our children to be in the wedding. She also wants all of our kids in suits/ dresses for pictures before the wedding.

They can attend the pictures and the ceremony but can’t attend the rest of the wedding. We were told she found a (random) babysitter to watch them at the hotel. (Which is an absolute no for me, we don’t use babysitters where we live so we wouldn’t in another country period).

After taking time to process my thoughts. I emailed her and said since the flights would cost 6k, plus a babysitter for the wedding, plus the kids would have to take off the last week of school, not to mention (I forgot to mention) (I can’t take that time off for work due to my job restrictions, I can take a long weekend), and the kids would have to sit in a hotel room for the wedding.

I said due to all of this I don’t think having them travel there makes sense. I explained my husband and I can go for the weekend and our kids wouldn’t be in the wedding if they can’t actually attend the wedding. I explained that with my work I will only be able to go for the weekend and we aren’t going to have our family vacation be 3 days long for 6k of flights.

I explained that them missing school and traveling all the way there is a bit ridiculous if they can’t attend the wedding (they are under the age of 6). I explained that we would all love to celebrate with them but because of their school and our work, my husband and I will go for the weekend and then in a few weeks when school is out, the whole family will fly there and stay for a couple of weeks.

They will be out of school and we won’t have to deal with a random babysit or work issues. She called my husband crying and saying she was sorry and wished the kids could come and get dressed up and take pictures all together. I explained we could pay for their seats at the reception and meals but she said her rule is no kids. She said a lot of people have kids and it’s too many.

I explained that couldn’t it be an exception for the kids in the wedding and their siblings who are traveling abroad. She said no. So I explained that it would be our family vacation and we would want to come for a couple of weeks, not take the kids out of school, and not rely on a random babysitter to watch them in a hotel room (which we would never and they know that).

Btw it’s a huge wedding like 350-400 guests and everyone they know so anyone that is family couldn’t babysit either because they are attending. My husband feels like it’s not rude for her not to invite the kids to the reception because “she’s the bride” and that’s “her rule”.

However, just to add an additional layer, my husband told me I couldn’t say no kids allowed when we got married because ppl were traveling abroad. I know there are a lot of layers here. And I’m not upset at all for not being a bridesmaid, I’m actually happy for that.

I wonder should she should have asked my kids school schedule before planning to have them in the wedding without telling us the date. I don’t care if she wanted the date she wanted and didn’t want to ask us but I feel like she also then needs to know it may not work out if we can’t swing it. She also knows my work and what I do and knows I can’t take time off then so that was strange to me.

My husband and I can’t split ourselves up and he goes with some and I stay home because our baby will be turning 1 that weekend of the wedding and we would wish to be together.

There’s a lot here. AITA?

Edit: Just to clarify my husband is from this country and that is where the wedding is. It’s not a destination wedding, it’s where they live. So we live in another country and would have to travel to them. We have been wanting to go there and havnt been in a couple of years due to cost and pregnancies. We planned to go but when the date came it was like ohh shoot that’s tough.

Then when we juss heard no kids , I was like waitttt what. Now it’s just gotten complicated with my work, the kids not invited, having to buy suits to get dressed up for a ceremony and then put in a hotel, like nahhhh not sitting right with me.

I didn’t want to not be empathic that’s we havnt seen a lot of this family in a while so I suggested we go three weeks later with the kids. And me and my husband go for the wedding weekend.

This is what people had to say to OP:

RaymondBeaumont said:

so she wants you to pay thousands of dollars so she can use your kids as props at a destination wedding and then give them to some stranger to take care of in a foreign country?

friendlily said:

NTA. If it's so important for some of your kids to be there for some things, she would have checked with you all before scheduling her wedding, just as you did. She also can't schedule something without checking in with you guys and then cry about it when it doesn't work out. She can't have it both ways.

She is being rude and is trying to emotionally manipulate your husband and he's falling for it. What is his plan? You all drop 6k to fly there and you hang in the hotel with 4 kids while he is at the events they're not allowed at? Or who is supposed to watch 2 kids at the wedding and 2 kids who aren't allowed? He's in the wedding - he can't watch them. So you will be stuck figuring that all out.

If he can't turn on his brain and his loyalty to his actual family - you and his kids - then I would wash my hands of the entire thing and stay back with the kids. He can go to the wedding alone.

Life_Temperature2506 said:

Why isn't your husband handling this issue? Either he agrees with her plan, or lacks the stones to tell her?

OP responded:

He neverrrr likes to ruffle feathers. I explained to him but in doing so he is disregarding my feelings . We are working on that.

PresentationThat2839 said:

Nta. So she wants you to pay over 6k so that your children can be photo props. Hell you could probably send custom cardboard cutouts in your place for less. Since that seems to be what she really cares about.

valr1821 said:

NTA. She is entitled to have a child-free wedding, and you are entitled to plan accordingly.