'AITA for laughing at my bio parent's face when they told me leaving us was the hardest decision they have made?'
"AITA for laughing at my biological parents face when they told me leaving us was the hardest decision they have made?"
Our family has an interesting story. My bio-mother's side and bio-father's side have 2 marriages between the families. One of them is our bio-parents and one of them is between my bio mom's brother(55) and my bio dad's sister(54). My bio mom Linda and bio dad Chris actually have met in my uncle's and aunt's engagement dinner when both of them were 16.
Linda and Chris are still complete wrecks. My bio dad was the troubled one of the family whom would have problems with school or the work and my bio-mom has addiction issues since she is 14.
When they have met and started to have a relationship, both sides of the family tried to break them up, they even sent them to different countries but they stole 50k USD from their families, managed to come together and ran away when they were 19. They got married in a third world country and they had me(25M) and my twin brother when they were 21 years old.
They thought we were deadweights so they left us in the hospital and went into another country. Luckily they have checked into the hospital with their passports so the hospital have reached into the embassy, then they found my grandparents and they brought us back home and we have been raised by our uncle and aunt since(we call them mom and dad).
My parents were charged with child abandonment but after 10 years of being MIA, the charges were dropped and our families also didn't try to look for them.
Two years ago, they showed up at my dad's parents house in a completely renovated look. Turns out they have finished their education, had stable jobs in the country, started to get mental health treatments and they were sober for 9 years and they have basically put themselves together.
At first 6 months, they have only seen their parents in public places, than they were accepted into the houses. A year later, they have met with us when we were 24. Me and my twin brother started to have a relationship with them and we are somewhat cordial right now.
Last week, our abandonment topic was opened and Linda told it was the hardest choice they have made. I started to laugh uncontrollably after that and when they asked told them they had multiple choices to come back and they didn't and our families were right not to trust them and they would always have the eyes on them and they should accept this at this stage.
Linda started to cry and they left shortly. All of the family except my brother think I am being too cruel and I should apologize but I think they had to hear the unfiltered truth. AITA?
The commenters did not hold back one bit.
Neelisilverleaf wrote:
NTA. They ABANDONED YOU IN A FOREIGN HOSPITAL. If they'd left you with your family and then tried making something of themselves it would be forgivable. I don't think what they did is.
OP responded:
It is a miracle that they checked in with their passports and even though it was a 3rd world country(Srilanka),the doctors and nurses had compassion and tried to find out families and the country actually had a good healthcare system so it wasn't hard to find our family.
MenAreLazy wrote:
NTA, but it depends on what kind of relationship you want with them going forward. This will limit a relationship, but you may not care anyway.
The rest of the family wants a restored relationship.
OP responded:
I wouldn't even trust a penny to either of them so if they are not OK with it,they can leave. I honestly don't know what my family wants from them.
JenninMiami wrote:
NTA in the least and I would have zero sympathy for her. The fact that they waited SO LONG to come forward shows that they’re full of crap about it being a hard choice etc.
OP responded:
I sometimes wish they hadn't showed up and we continued our lives as we were. I can't feel any sympathy against them.
[deleted] wrote:
NTA. The thing is, they didn't even tried to get you adopted, they simply abandoned you. You and your brother could have simply died there. Everything turned out fine for you and your brother, but that's no thanks to them. They didn't do anything to ensure you would be ok, it was all due to the kindness of random foreign strangers. INFO: Did they even knew you were alive and with their family and they came back?
OP responded:
I think they haven't because after we were born, both of them have pulled into a rabbit hole of substances. My parents have worked as bartenders in multiple asian countries and my father also has been an actor in the adult industry so I don't think they have any ideas about our whereabouts and my father still works in the adult film sector.
He is not an actor anymore but as a producer. My mother is working as a head-mixologist in a 4 star Michelin restaurant.
MagikTheMage wrote:
NTA, hard decision.. they birthed you and left! They had no intention if finding you again. Now that they have their life together they want cake and to eat it too!
shrimpandshooflypie wrote:
Yeah, those two fully intended on those kids never being found and probably stayed away as long as they did because the kids were with the family. Thank goodness for the health providers at that hospital! OP and brother would probably have been lost forever otherwise.
OP responded:
Our family has donated generous amounts of money to that hospital after that and we have visited there twice. The doctor who has birthed us is currently the head physician of that hospital and we still send emails back and forth.
[deleted] wrote:
INFO: Is there any proof the story of how your grandparents rescued you from a foreign hospital actually happened?
OP responded:
Plane tickets, the letter from the embassy, the photos in that hospital, the doctors notes. We have tons of stuff. We also went to Srilanka twice to visit the hospital and our grandparents made a discreet donation to the hospital.
We also still send emails back and forth with the doctor who birthed us. My brother has actually decided to become a doctor due to him and he is currently in the first year of his residency in neurology.
Over a month later, OP shared an update.
I would like to thank each and everyone of you who gave thought and time to comment on this post. Some stuff happened since that post first, my bio-mom and bio-dad are not allowed to contact with me unless they want to go in the jail.
A good friend of mine from high school is a lawyer and he advised me to prepare a cease and desist letter(my main language is not English but this is the closest thing that google translate said it in the legal terms) and he did it for me without any charges because he said "that's what good friends do."
My brother is sad that I am not even entertaining the idea of a relationship but he says it is OK and he understands it. He just sees them from a different perspective, the same perspective that he sees the patients he is taking care of. My mother and father weren't happy about the restraining order and accused me of being cruel and heartless.
They said I am being the embodiment of a demon and they said they will cut contact with me if I ever put this plan into action. I said "well, consider this as our last talk then." and left their house (I am residing at my own apartment that my grandparents gave me as a birthday present on my 18th birthday so no worries, it is in my name and no one can touch it.).
We haven't spoken a word since and I doubt this will change in the foreseeable future. My parents are too forgiving and since childhood,I was told I am being too vindictive,this still continues from their side.
My parents say I remind them of my great grandfather who ruined peoples lives just because they did small things wrong to him. I am not gonna try to argue with that. My grandparents though, they have understood my perspective and they said they will respect my boundary but they also asked me to respect their boundary to have a relationship,I said of course and we had an agreement.
I still love them so much and I am lucky enough to have the compassionate parental figures that can understand where I am coming from. Other extended family members have divided into two, most of them think I am cruel and they don't want to have a relationship with me anymore other than being civil around each other and some of them still want to protect the relationship we have.
I can live with this. I am also back in therapy. Thanks to my brother, he arranged a session with the therapist and also an appointment with a psychiatrist in his hospital so I am currently back in therapy and started to use antidepressants.
It doesn't solve all the problems but it helps. As it for me, my life continues as my birth parents never showed up. I go to work and have some me time on the weekends and spend some time with my friends whenever I can find the time and I go visit my grandparents once in every two weeks.
They live next door to each other. My brother is my next door neighbor so we eat most of the dinners together when he is not on the night shifts. That nights,I mostly find a guy to spend some time with.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Affectionate-Can-279 wrote:
So, missing info, what happened that cause a cease and desist/ restraining order to be issued?
OP responded:
Due to the nature of the previous case, by our countries law I can ask for a cease and desist letter but that is not a restraining order. It is just a warning letter against them saying if you ever come close to me I will accept that as an assault and I will act according to that.
friendlily wrote:
NTA. The majority of your family sounds toxic. I'm glad you're in therapy and getting the help you need. And I'm glad you have gone NC with everyone harassing you and calling you names. You are not a demon by any stretch of the imagination.
You are not to blame for other people's bad behavior and when you react to protect yourself from that behavior, you are not wrong. I'm sorry your parents and bio-parents are both ignorant and hateful. So again, what changed to cause OP to want a restraining order?
[deleted] wrote:
Reading the first post I wondered what the family was like if the bio mom got into sunstances at 14 and the bio dad had problems as a teenager too.
Figured there was probably some toxicity in the first place, and after reading the rest of the family's reaction to OP not wanting anything to do with the adults who literally abandoned them in another country without even trying to contact back home, I feel firm in my stance that OP's family sucks.
OP responded:
My family comes from somewhat a noble lineage in our country and everything is about the looks and how we are perceived from the outside so abandoning people who are the outcasts is an option they are familiar with.So yes, they are toxic and the concept "remittance man" is a thing in our family.
My bio dad and bio mom are not the innocent people here. Their parents aka my grandparents have pushed all the buttons to make it right, both by medical and the emotional stuff but my bio dad is a diagnosed borderline and my mother is type 1 bipolar who had a really early diagnosis at age 13.
I am also diagnosed with medication resistant depression (I had TMS when I was 18 years old) so mental health disorders are genetically rampant in our family. My brother is also type 1 bipolar.
Our grandparents tried to change a lot of stuff in our families but their siblings wanted the same stuff to continue so it didn't work but they have raised me and my brother according to their ethical codes so they are the ones we are looking up to. Our parents unfortunately were heavily influenced by their aunt's and uncle's.
VariousTry4624 wrote:
NTA! Wow. Your adopted parents cut you off because you were too "vindictive" cutting contact with your bio parents who abandoned you? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
While I think it is totally reasonable for them and for your brother to accept your bio parents back into to your lives it is equally as reasonable for you to want nothing to do with people who abandoned you at birth in a third world country. Stick to your guns and enjoy your life without them!