Lawyer bans sister-in-law from family Christmas, 'I'll never forget the disrespect.' AITA?
"AITA for banning my sister-in-law for Christmas?"
I (35m) and my wife (39F) have been married 5 years now. I get along with her whole family except her younger sister. Her younger sister has always spoken bad about me since we started dating. Mostly I get the sense she thinks I am not good enough for her sister and I shouldn’t be trusted. Never have shown her anything to not be trusted but she feels that way regardless.
I’m a lawyer and a few years ago she was having some legal issues and needed advice. I told my wife that I am not giving her advice because first the type of legal advice she was seeking was not my specialty. Second I do not want to get involved with providing legal advice to family members that’s my personal boundary.
I offered to connect her to a colleague who can better assist. My wife pressured me and I gave in. I sat with her and heard her issue and gave her my opinion which turned out to be pretty straightforward. She did not like my opinion and cussed me out called me an idiot and said I don’t know sh%^ and flipped me off.
I was livid as I was disrespected just trying to help. I let my wife know I want nothing to do with her. Turns out my legal opinion turned out to be true and she got f'd over for not listening to me. In any case now when I see her I’m cordial but I can never forget the disrespect.
My wife told me last night that her sister and her family are coming over for Christmas. I told her no way is she welcome in my house until I receive a genuine apology. I told her I’m not going to pretend like nothing happened. My wife says that it was long time ago and I need to get over it and I’m vindictive. She said I’m keeping her from being with her family for Christmas. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this:
Haikus_For_Freedom said:
NTA. People in a relationship should never tolerate, let alone support, disrespect of their partner like that.
Mug_Eggy said:
NTA. I can’t imagine even your wife thinks this is a toss up. She’s definitely just avoiding conflict. If your sister in law can’t accept your marriage and respect you in your own home, she has no right to be there. Setting these types of boundaries are key for your partner to respect you, and upholding them helps you respect yourself.
Your wife on the other hand is a complete AH. Let’s take a look at the list, shall we? She owes you an apology for forcing you to give advice to someone whom you disliked and who didn’t respect you, she owes you one for not supporting you when her sister behaved inappropriately...
...One for inviting her sister over without telling you, and one for disregarding your boundary thereafter. I would have a serious talk with your wife, both about her family, and her respect for you. Best of luck.
[deleted] said:
NTA tell your wife, does she want the blow up now and to resolve it or does she want to wait for Christmas for that to happen. You don’t resolve issues on holidays. It’ll bring disaster. Make it less about the I don’t want her in my home part and more (because it’s true) your unresolved blow up between you and her.
I think you need to explain to your wife you need her in your side in this conflict because her behavior dictates how her family treats you. And what she tolerates from their bad behavior without calling them into check gives them permission to continue.
Recommend neutral place, make it casual over coffee. Have someone with SIL and make sure your wife knows she’s NOT an unbiased third party in this, she needs to have your back. And straighten this out, definitely before Christmas.
BonusMomSays said:
Nope. NTA. I wouldnt let SIL in my house either. Wife can spend Xmas with SIL or you, her choice - if she chooses SIL, I'd suggest she take a bag big enough to hold all her stuff, bc locks will be changed and papers will be served as quickly as possible. In my mind, this is a divorce-able affront by OP's own wife...
No-Fondant9719 said:
NTA for setting a boundary after being disrespected. Apologies and respect go hand in hand, and it's not wrong to expect both.
Endora529 said:
NTA. I wouldn’t have anyone that cussed me out in my house for Christmas either; family or no family. Your wife should be defending you not her AH sister. It sounds like your wife and her sister don’t respect you at all. You should rethink your whole relationship.
throwthetrollaway12 said:
NTA - Your wife is though. How is it okay she called you names and flipped you off when you did her a favor that you were pressured to violate your own boundaries for? Who cares how long ago it was.
davekayaus said:
NTA. Your wife needs to stop belittling you and start supporting you. Tell her again that her sister is not welcome in your house and that you need her support on this. She can visit her sister whenever she wants but she doesn’t get to unilaterally invite that person into your home. It’s a two yes, one no situation.