'AITA for laying down rules about my mother-in-law's influence in my household?'

"AITA for keeping my distance from my mother-in-law and laying down rules about her influence in my household?"

So I (26F, call me Melissa) have been with my partner, Garth, for years. We’re not married but we live together and raise 4 kids (one together, one his, two mine). At the start I really tried with his mom Debbie. I’d suggest coffee, dinners, even helped with her little business. I actually wanted us to be close.

But honestly things got messy. Like, my stepdaughter Cindy was really sick with the flu at one point, she was struggling to breathe at night, so we said no dairy because it makes it worse. Debbie gave her milk behind my back anyway. I called her out and she just cried and turned it into “oh I think I caused Garth’s diabetes."

She does this all the time, the crying to avoid being wrong. I snapped and told her if she didn’t stop crying I’d throw my tea on her (not my proudest moment, but it worked).

She’s also a hoarder to the point that her house, her late parents’ house, and even our garages and porch got filled with her stuff. When we asked her to move it, she cried about how we were “pressuring her.”

She criticizes Garth constantly too. Like he used reward points to get some Pokémon cards and was happy about it. She told him he should’ve used it for a weed eater. I defended him and she stormed outside, hid in my garden for an hour, my kids Declan and Dylan were freaking out looking for her, and Garth’s 90yo grandpa just sat awkwardly on the couch.

She also makes digs like “you’re just not the same when you’re with these people” (meaning me and the kids). And in her eyes, every single problem between her and Garth or her and the kids is somehow my fault.

So now when she comes over, I just keep it polite but short. Pleasantries, maybe on my phone, but I don’t start conversations. She’s judgmental and a know-it-all so I just keep my distance.

Anyway, the other day she’s at my house, leaving, and she says to Garth (loud enough for me to hear): “Any woman would be lucky to have you. That Melissa, she’s just always so ugly to me. I got along with my ex DIL way better, she apologized when we fought. Melissa never will.”

Later she messaged me saying I’m silent, disrespectful, that she feels unwelcome, and even basically said “if you don’t want me in Garth’s life then so be it.” I told her we could have coffee and talk it through sometime but not that night because I had the kids and a headache.

At this point, I don’t want Cindy sleeping over there anymore. If Debbie wants to see the kids, she can come here, but she has to actually be pleasant. I don’t want her negativity or whatever pill stuff she has going on in my house. So, AITA for setting these rules and pulling back instead of just “playing nice?"

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Anxious-Routine-5526 said:

NTA, but you don't stand a chance since your boyfriend lacks the ability to handle his mother. Until such time as he actually sees a problem and is willing to address it, you're fighting a losing battle.

Briiiiiiyonce said:

NTA but has Garth tried to tell his mother to stop if defended you when she’s talking crap about you? What did he say when she gave your daughter dairy? Because if not then you have a husband problem.

Icy_Manner_3729 said:

NTA + what is your husband doing in all of this? You're allowed to set these boundaries, but you shouldn't have to be the one doing it. Why isn't garth doing anything about this?

PompousTart said:

NTA Op. Most definitely. As for Garth, I understand that he is probably conditioned by his mother, but that doesn't help and doesn't have to continue. I strongly suggest that you and he look into therapy for him, so that he can understand what has been done to him and start to challenge it.

I strongly agree with the other commenters who say you should draw harder boundaries, including giving her an immutable deadline to clear her crap out of your property with the absolute clarity that you will get it removed if she doesn't.

Floating-Cynic said:

NTA, this woman cries and does whatever she wants, regardless of how it affects others. You're just accepting her for who she is, recognizing she isn't going to change, and figuring out a way to adapt that doesn't require you to sacrifice yourself.

Alone-Historian-5308 said:

NTA - unfortunately you have a narcissistic MIL. The only thing you can do is research narcissism and learn techniques on how to protect your peace.