Woman's 10 year relationship destroyed, then she learns fiancé's secret infertility lie. AITA? + UPDATE
"I learned the real reason my ex left me."
So around 2 years ago, my ex fiancé, who I’d been in a relationship with for almost 10 years unceremoniously just left me. It never fully made sense to me as there were no warning signs, we were actively planning our wedding and finally agreed to try for a baby, as we were both in our 30’s and time was ticking.
Then one day, he just started acting sort of off, wasn’t saying I love you before he left for work for the day, was spending more time out drinking with his friends than he was at home. He’d been struggling with his mental health since Covid lockdowns so I assumed he was having a bit of a downward spiral.
So I sat down with him one day and just asked him if everything was okay with him, he tried to brush it off initially and kept saying he was fine, so I changed the question and asked if we were okay, he looked like he really didn’t want to answer. So, I asked again. He paused and in that moment, I knew, it was over.
I asked if he still loved me, he said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore. And that was it, within a week, he had moved out, leaving 90% of his belongings to be collected at a later date and to serve as a constant reminder that he was just gone.
To say it hit me hard was an understatement, I spiraled massively, I was at the lowest point I had ever been in my life, so I tried to end it all, it just hurt too much feeling like there was something so wrong with me that he had to just leave.
Fortunately a friend managed to get me to a hospital before I did any serious damage to myself and while I still felt awful about myself most of the time, it got a little easier.
I ended up dating that friend a few months later. A lot of people said it was too soon to move on, but honestly I never set out to have another relationship at all, but his constant support, presence and reassurance that there was nothing wrong me made me want to spend time with those who truly cared about me, and in time we developed feelings for each other.
We had a beautiful relationship filled with love and laughter, and much to our surprise I ended up pregnant 9 months into our relationship, we decided to keep the baby even though our relationship was still in its early stages and 9 months later our beautiful daughter was born. We are still as strong as ever today and continuing to build an amazing life together as a family.
Now onto present day, I guess my ex has been reflecting on the past recently due to a lot of deaths in his family and his mother (who I’m still close with today) reached out to me to asked whether I’d be willing to meet up with him as he had something to get off his chest, she didn’t know what he wanted to talk to me about as it was something he could only discuss with me, but she would understand if I said no.
I decided to think about it for a few days before I agreed that I would meet up with him at a local coffee shop. I got there early because you know, mama needs her caffeine fix with these early morning wake ups and night feeds.
I was already sat down when he came in and he gave me the saddest looking smile while I merely just nodded to him and motioned for him to sit down and get out whatever he needed to tell me.
I was a little bit speechless at what he had to say. He said that when we started trying for a baby and nothing was happening even though we were closely tracking my ovulation cycle and testing every day for that sweet spot.
He realized something wasn’t right, so he secretly took a day off work to see a fertility doctor l, they found that due to an undiagnosed issue in one of his testicles, the likelihood of him ever being able to conceive a biological child of his own was incredibly low.
He knew that I loved him so deeply that I would’ve given up my dream of having children, just for him and he said he couldn’t live with that on his conscience, that I deserved to have the life and family I’d always wanted, only with someone else. He kept apologizing profusely for hurting me so much in the process but tried to rationalize that I had got what I’d wanted in the end, so his plan ultimately worked.
I ultimately sat there silent for a few minutes and just looked at him dead in the eyes and said that that was never his decision to make, he took away my choice and nearly destroyed me in the process. And I got up and left.
It’s been a few days and I’m still processing, my partner knew I was meeting up with my ex and he knows something is up but is giving me space until I feel ready to talk about it, but honestly I’m shook. Like did my ex honestly think I’d be like okay thanks for letting me know and then we’d all be friends again.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
There were other ways to deal with his infertility. Donor sperm. Adoption. The fact that he would rather have taken this decision from you than discuss options with you proves that he was not a suitable long term partner for you.
There are lots of hard decisions couples need to make together, and he demonstrated that he was unwilling to give you any real agency in your life together. You are better off now with your new partner.
Fair_Satisfaction709 (OP)
Oh I know I’m absolutely so much better off. My current partner is pretty much the opposite of my ex, which was why it was such a surprise that I developed feelings for him, he’s extremely different from my usual “type”, but he’s such a good egg.
We had chance to talk about everything late last night (our daughter is going through a bit of a sleep regression, so late nights are pretty common for us at the minute 😭), and he was super empathetic and equally as pissed. I got my first period since having the baby this morning and he ran me a bath and told me to go sulk for as long as I need to, bless him.
I’m so sorry he unloaded that on you. He’s really an ass for unloading his BS on you AGAIN. Wish him well in your heart and head. Now go grab that beautiful baby and give her a kiss. Then remember all you have to be grateful for with your love and enjoy the life you have. No regrets. No backsides. No fecks. Best of luck to him in a galaxy far far far away.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
First off, thank you all for your lovely comments and messages of support! I was not expecting my post to blow up like it did. So I wasn’t really expecting to make an update to my previous post, and definitely not this soon, but boy does it get interesting.
So of course I planned to leave this situation alone at this point and completely put it behind me, however my former mother-in-law reached out to me as I hadn’t spoken to her in a few days which is quite unlike me.
A few people said in a few comments that I should cut her off as well as the ex, but this woman was like a mother to me for almost 10 years, when I was going through difficulties with my own family, this woman opened her home to me gave me a safe place to stay if I needed.
She had been more of a parent to me than my own parents and basically adopted me as the daughter that she had always wanted so when I say we are incredibly close I genuinely mean it regardless of anything that’s happened with her son, we have a really strong relationship outside of that.
We typically have a good catchup once a week and message in between, nothing I say to her gets passed on to her son, from what I can gather, the trickles of information he gets is through the grapevine of the group of friends we mutually share. So when she reached out to see if I was okay yesterday, I decided I’d pop over and catch up with her.
Turns out he came clean to her when she asked exactly what had gone on as she hadn’t heard off me in a few days and she was worried, she went absolutely ballistic at him and currently is not speaking to him at all.
Then she told me something I did not know and something she assumed I’d known all along. It turns out that when he was born he had undescended testicles, he had the surgery to correct it but there was always going to be the chance that he would have fertility issues in adulthood.
He was meant to go for check ups once he passed puberty age to see whether there was any lasting damage and he claimed to his mother that he had gone to these and everything was fine, but neither of us actually believe this.
So the entire time we discussed having children, he knew there was a possibility that all he was shooting was blanks, but neglected to actually let me know this, FOR TEN FREAKING YEARS.
Bear in mind we were probably having unprotected intimacy for 2 years of our relationship, not actively trying but we had agreed that if something happened, we’d be happy about it, so I think when we were actively trying to have a baby and nothing was happening it sort of gave him the mental tip off that all was not well and he finally decided to get that check up he’d been putting off. I'm flabbergasted guys.
In regard to my partner and I’s relationship, we are absolutely fine, he’s used to my sulky episodes haha. I did eventually fill him in after a few days of being mildly annoyed and he agreed that it was super messed up and agreed with a lot of the comments that his timing for telling me all this was absolutely comical.
We did suspect for a while that the real reason he decided to leave was cheating initially, because he’d gotten strangely close to one of the girls in our friend group (the majority of which dropped me like hot garbage once we split.)
Turns out there’s nothing going on there, but a another lil tidbit off my ex’s mum that she found out also, guys he’s dating this girls 60 YEAR OLD MOTHER!! Good lord his life is a dumpster fire. I don’t even think I’m mad anymore, just mildly amused. Absolutely done with that.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Yeah, you satiated your curiosity, now don't waste more time with that and move on with your wonderful family. You deserve it 🧡
I am so happy that you had a friend who cared enough to take you to the hospital before you put a terrible end over getting help. I can understand your rage against him. He lied to you for 10 years! When you lie, you don't have respect for your partner. If there is no respect, there is no love.
Good thing he was shooting blanks, OP didn't even have to dodge the bullet.
Well my brain broke slightly reading this.
Communication could have solved so much.
The ex is a total piece of crap. I bet he is lying about more of this and there was something else going on that made him leave, but even if there wasn't, his main motivation was obviously not wanting to get caught in his ten year lie.
He is just coming back around in some warped attempt to make what he did seem noble.
"I sacrificed our relationship for you!"
Get outta here.