'AITA for my reaction upon learning the details of my SIL's divorce settlement?'
"AITA for my reaction upon learning the details of my SIL's divorce settlement?"
My wife's sister, Ann (39F), has been married to her husband, Barry (40ish) for about 15 years. They have 3 kids together. Ann works a high-profile job at an international company. Her job requires her to travel a lot, sometimes for weeks at a time.
Barry works full-time as well but he has a WFH job which allows him to take care of their kids. Ann's job pays well enough that they can hire out stuff like house cleaning and yard care to take some of the load off Barry when Ann is out of town.
I'm not incredibly close with Barry, but he's a good dude and our kids get along great together. He used to bring the kids over to our house all the time to have them play together, but over the past year or so that has happened less and less often.
About 4 months ago I found out why, my wife told me that Barry was filing for divorce from Ann. Last week, Ann came over to our house to visit. My wife asked if I could take the kids out of the house so she and Ann could talk, which I agreed to.
When I got home, Ann was still there and it was clear that their conversation got very emotional. I gave Anna a hug and told her I loved her before she left. My wife filled me in on the details later that night.
Apparently, the divorce proceedings were pretty bitter. I won't go into the nitty-gritty, but Barry ended up getting primary custody, child support, alimony, and the house. Ann is in shock, heartbroken, angry, and doesn't understand how any of this happened.
I told my wife that this is a crappy situation and I feel bad for everyone involved, but that Ann probably shouldn't be surprised about the outcome considering that she hasn't been a very present wife or mother due to her job keeping her away from home so often.
This pissed my wife off and she went off on me for "acting like any of this is fair to her sister." I told her that it's not about fairness, just that Ann should be able to look in the mirror and admit that Barry has been more present in their kids' lives than she has.
My wife continued defending Ann by saying that she was working to provide for her family. I agreed with her, but stated that there is a cost to having that kind of job and Ann is paying that price right now.
My wife accused me of taking Barry's side and I told her that I'm not taking anyone's side. The whole situation sucks and I feel bad for everyone, especially the kids because they're innocent in all this. I told her I would feel the exact same way if the roles were reversed and Barry had a job that kept him from home so much.
My wife again asked me if I think the divorce was "fair" and I told her I just think it sucks and it's sad. I told her that I wouldn't wish that situation on anyone and that we should be giving all of them love and grace instead of judgement about "fairness."
My wife told me I am being an AH about this. I understand my wife has a sibling obligation to look out for her sister but I feel my response was level-headed and not taking sides.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NAH. Your not an AH, but how did you not see this coming? Your wife just had a long emotional convo with her sister and then vented to you about it. She wasn't looking for a rational response or analysis of the situation. She was looking to vent. Your not wrong, but you weren't smart about it either.
Therapist here, I see this all the time in practice. My opinion was correct, why did it cause a problem. Cause life isn't an exam, and context matters a lot sometimes like in this case.
His partner just saw her sister broken because she lost custody of her children, and would have to basically visit her own children from now on. Imagine if it's your children, it must feel heartbreaking every time you remember you need permission to see your children, wouldn't it? Would you care if the court's opinion was right.
That is not the time for those comments. His wife didn't need this, she needed a hug and reassurance things will work out. We're human in the end, we live by feelings. And when one of us is going through it, being insensitive to the source of our pain causes more pain. Even though the comments maybe sound logically!
Very slight YTA. She didn't want your opinion. She wanted your sympathy. Also bear in mind she sees your attitude toward this as a proxy for what might happen if you ever get a divorce. Not the end of the world, but if it comes back up, just say "I just don't understand all the details, I feel really bad for Ann." Take the L and move on.
YTA "She should have seen this coming" or "how was she so surprised" was an AH thing to say.
YTA for your fake post. Bitter divorces don't have the financial settlement or custody resolved this quickly. The idea that in less than a year and without you and you wife knowing you SiL could have such an unfavorable divorce settlement finalized is absolutely ridiculous and written by someone with no grasp of the family law system.
Lol you are kinda taking Barry's side in that you are placing Anne's travel/time away as the primary cause for the divorce. Your wife may be concerned you might blame Anne to her face. Arguably Anne needs MORE support because the court did not rule in her favor in any way and she's on her own with your wife being her primary/only ally/support.
Not only is Anne your wife's sister, it's possible there's some underlying unconscious bias that holds a wife/mother to a higher standard when in the breadwinner role. Women are asked "how do you balance it all?" and men are never asked this. Because being a high-powered, high-profile successful businessMAN is not in opposition or at the cost of being considered a good/present husband or father.
It makes sense for him to get primary custody and alimony and child support but the house is where I feel like maybe that wasn't totally fair for her to lose all equity. Like maybe he's living in it but she still has economic share in it? Anyway it's huge blow emotionally and financially and I think a lot of bitterness in divorce comes from "unfair" division of assets.