'AITA for wanting to leave my finacée due to her family?' UPDATED 5X
"AITA for wanting to leave my finacée due to her family?"
Ive been dating my fiancee for 4 years and have been engaged for 7 months. We are trying to plan out a wedding for roughly Fall next year.
Her childhood was terrible to put it mildly. Her parents were raging narcissists and she was the scapegoat for her 2 brothers. She was thrown out the moment she turned 18. She was, however, a great student and hard worker, so with some scholarships and a part time job, she has a great career and is pretty independent.
The problem is though, is that she still had contact with her family. None of them have changed...well actually something has changed; they have become more financially dependent on her. They enjoy slowly creeping back into her life and emotionally blackmailing her for support or whatever she can do.
They're not pleasant about it either. They're rude, smug, and generally enjoy being a nuisance. And my fiancee can't say no. No matter the horrible things they say or how they outright try and intimidate her openly.
I've always known her family history and have always supported her through the issues with them, but in the last year or so they've become far more brazen and asinine. They come over to our house more often, they make messes all around the place. Her mother acts like she's the stepmother from Cinderella.
Her dad drinks all my beer and empties out half the fridge. Her brothers stop by occasionally to act as mouthpieces for their parents. They practically trash the place and leave us to clean the mess.
And where is my fiancee in all this? Quietly standing in the corner practically shaking. I'm no fool here, there is legitimate trauma. There's her need to feel loved by them and her hoping they will appreciate her. Before one of you noble commenters states the obvious, she's been in therapy for this for years.
I've tried to establish boundaries. For nearly 2 years I've been trying to push these $#%clowns away. But this is her house she purchased, and no matter of contributions financial of otherwise will she let me have a say on who comes into her house. She's been beaten down mentally and emotionally by them for so long.
She has told me recently that she wants to earn their approval. How they were right about her. How she needs to be better for them. I've had too many emotional conversations with tears and begging to count, hoping she will take the steps to get better. But she's an adult. I can't force her to do anything.
I love her, but I can't help but feel so resentful of what she's doing. It's agonizing watching someone you love, someone who you know deserves so much better, openly destroy themselves for people like her family. it's been painful watching her cry herself to sleep one too many night because of them.
I've tried too many times to help her get out of their clutches. But I have to think of the future. What happens when we have kids? What happens when she is postpartum and invites them over? What happens if their is a medical emergency for either of us? What if our finances get tight and they still demand money?
This is the in law family from Hell and I won't be able to avoid them. Tomorrow I'm going to tell her how I want to delay the wedding until firm boundaries are established. If she resents I walk. I can't do it anymore. I refuse to watch a slow death like this any further.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the first post:
NTA. You can't save her if she doesn't want to be saved. Even if she wants to, you'd only be able to help and support. She need to be the one to enforce the boundaries and hold them. But she doesn't.
OP needs to make it clear how their behaviour effects him. If she won't stop them from hurting herself, maybe she'll at least try to protect him. If not, OP will know exactly how it would be going forwards and if they ever had kids. No one can say he didn't try.
Mini-update in the same post:
Talked to her and it went about as well as one could possibly expect. Currently getting myself set up in a hotel for a few days and working on possible long term plans for moving out. Still alot going on right now but maybe sometime next week I'll be able to pit everything together into one update.
6 days later OP posted this update:
The night after I made the first post I had decided that I was going to have a heart to heart with my finacee about her family. However, she came back from work the next day early and I already was off that day so i initiated the talk a little sooner than I planned
Essentially, I told her how this arrangement was not sustainable, I did not feel comfortable marrying her due to how much involvement in her life her family has, and I certainly did not feel comfortable bringing a child into this world with them.
I didn't want to tell her cold turkey no contact with them, but strict limitations to start with on then coming over, and what they can do around the house. I also requested couples therapy before marriage. She wasn't happy. She was just staring angrily at me while I spoke then started yelling at me when I finished
She told me I don't understand their dynamic ad it worked for her. I told her that they're users who will bleed her dry and I have never seen them show any decency to her. She told me she just had to work harder for them to appreciate her. I basically yelled at her that a parents child shouldn't have to beg and plead and "work" for them to be loved. I finally told her that she sets limits with them or I walk
She was livid and since I was living in her house I was kicked out. So the past few days I have been staying in a hotel and have had my stuff taken out and put into storage. And frankly, it's been great. I am going to stay with family for a few weeks around mid July and after that I am going to go house searching for myself.
I have spent the last couple days relaxing, catching up on movies and video games I haven't had time for, and could go back from work to a quiet room without her family tearing the place apart.
Yesterday however things came to a head. We have basically been no contact since she booted me out, but I know every Saturday her family loves to spend the afternoon over and she uses me as a shield from them.
However in a very petty move I simply kept my phone muted all day and played Disco Elysium. I knew she would call back for help with her family and at this point pure resentment was kicking in for her and I wanted nothing yo due with her issues
By the end of the night she had sent me over a dozen texts and finally 2 frantic voicemails begging me to come home. I decided to come over to check up on her. Long story short she was sobbing in the living room and when I came to talk to her she was practically crushing my back hugging me and sobbing. I gave her time to cool off and asked what happened.
Long story short, her parents and brother came by to gift money from her and say horrible s%$# to her. She wanted to have me come over to help but I was ignoring her, and when she tried to have one of her friends help out and everyone basically said "f%$# that", it all started clicking in for her.
She kicked her family out but not before they said some utterly vile s$#t to her I won't repeat. She kept apologizing to me and told me over and over to come home.
I told her plainly that I had started to build up heavy resentment towards her for some time and while I loved her and understand it was trauma, there were major issues that would need to he addressed if we were to move forward.
1. She sells the house and moves. We make roughly the same amount of money and we will buy a house together. I am a grown ass man and I will not live in a house I have no equal agency over
2. Her family will never step a foot in it. They will never come over. They will be treated by me in a very threatening manner if they try and come in
3. She gets a new therapist and we start pre marital counseling
4. She never makes me interact with her family
5. We will go LC with her family right now but make no mistake we are working towards full NC on her end.
I told her I love her, we have been together for a while now and have beautiful memories together and I know she is suffering from the way she was treated, but these are non negotiable and if she has a problem with any of them then we have to go out separate ways.
She told me she's realized for a while now that her family is toxic and unhealthy she wants to make changes. She has accepted but some of these will take a while to see through
For now I am going to stay in the hotel until I head back to stay with my family. She is welcome to come over but I have made it clear her house is not somewhere I want to go. Her and I are both off tomorrow so we will spend the day here and maybe go out. This is obviously not over yet but I might not post anything else until Mid August or so
Here's what people had to say to OP after this update:
It’s cute you think she won’t continue to choose her family over you, but it’s going to be even worse once you’re legally bound by a home purchase.
The last thing you should be doing is locking yourself into a mortgage with someone you were just trying to leave. Be serious rn. Therapy and counseling come first. Then after some time if things are going okay you can think about the rest.
5 days later OP posted another update:
Despite all intentions of not updating until much later with the hopes of an improved relationship with my fiancee and her establishing boundaries with her toxic family, we are now broken up.
Essentially what happened was after last weekend where I left her for the time to deal with them herself, she seemed to finally grasp the situation and was open to changes including boundaries and a possible move. We spent Monday and Tuesday hanging out in my hotel that I was staying in until I went back to my family for a couple weeks.
The other night she was being very vague with texting when she originally was supposed to come over. She came much later than expected and I knew something was up
She basically unloaded on me how I was being like them: controlling, overly demanding, and unsupportive. It took me 5 seconds to figure out she was repeating verbatim some sort of rehearsed speech from her parents. And to be honest, I was so agitated at this point despite making a huge gamble on her I decided to be a prick about it
I asked her if her family told her to say this. She said they suggested it to her but she came up with it herself (suuuurrreee). I asked her to explain in detail what I did. She said I was living like a parasite off her. I reminded her that I'm paying 50/50 for HER mortgage, 50/50 for utilities and groceries as well. I have my own car I pay for.
A job that makes just about as much as hers, unlike her leech parents who demand payments on the weekly and raid the kitchen on the weekends. I told her to try again with something better
She looked flustered and said I was trying to isolate her. I kinda smirked like a jackass and told her that I have always supported her many friendships that she has destroyed on her own because no one wants to deal with her family or be used as a shield like me
I was practically demanding to know at this point why she is so hellbent on destroying her life for these people. She just kinda shouted that I don't understand her family and she's just trying to earn their love back and was basically ranting at that point.
It's just so staggering to see up close. I have ventured into a few subreddits to get perspectives, and if you have any familiarity with them you'll see how people who are victims of this kind of treatment by their own family can be so utterly broken by it that it'll wreck their brain to where they truly believe they are the problem and they deserve to be treated this way.
Well, that's how she was. She was utterly broken and didn't want help. She didn't want to get better, she just wanted to get worse.
It hit me like a truck honestly, the realization. I really did feel like a fool for trying, even if it was what I was supposed to do in the first place. She was practically berserk at this point and I was just mentally exhausted and needed her to leave before someone called the police. She finally left but I had a few concerned neighbors check on me.
Some of her friends are aware as they have messaged me checking on the situation. I told them the truth and that I just needed to be alone to think what to do next right now. They have revealed that she has given them similar rants after they expressed concern for her.
One had even heard that she may be possibly at risk of losing her job. She is definitely having some sort of mental break. From my understanding, she is now completely isolated. She is actually sprinting into a horrible lonely life right now. There's nothing I can do for her at this point and as selfish as it sounds I'm just glad it's going to be behind me
Here's what people had to say to OP after this update:
Move out, cut all contact, move on. You can't make someone help themselves.
She has to hit rock-bottom, just like anyone in this situation, but you shouldn’t be around when that happens.
Hey man, you tried. You really tried. But she's stuck. Sadly, she'll either end up alone or with a guy who is like the people she grew up with.
3 days later OP came back with this update:
Things have kinda wrapped up but there were some loose ends. I completely forgot to change my mailing address which I should have done ASAP, so a couple important things got sent to her house. I had to go pick them up plus a final couple of items i want for my move that i left there and decided i wanted to actually take.
She was being difficult and not responding to messages in regards to them, so I had to go get them from her myself. I brought a mutual friend just in case. Thankfully she was at least cooperative in letting me get my stuff and it wasn't much of an issue.
Everything else was though. She had alot of nasty things to say. Telling me she was already sleeping around. Telling me how happy she was now that I was gone. Telling me she's finally free of me, how she's going to be so much better off without me. Alot of generic insults and horrible things you would commonly expect from a nasty breakup.
And you know what? It was so obvious it was a rehearsed script from her family and you could easily see how miserable she was. She looked like a mess, like she hasn't slept in days. The house was a mess.
She wasn't even yelling it. She sounded so exhausted and broken when she said it. She didn't even smile when she said anything. Just a face contorted in hate and anger. She was not the woman I knew anymore. That person was gone
When I was getting ready to leave she was still going on. I was fed up and told her something along the lines of "congratulations. Your friends are gone. Your human shields are gone. Your engagement is over . Your support is gone.
Anyone who ever treated you like a decent human being is gone. It's just you and your family. I hope you're happy while they bleed you dry". It probably didn't go like that but something like it. She just...stood there. Literally just stood there and looked at me with indifference and walked away as I walked out the door.
As we were leaving the mutual friend Tiffany asked if I was OK. I reassured her I was and I'm just trying to get myself set up to go home next week. She also confirmed that she hears my ex did lose her job for not showing up for several days and basically ghosting them
They're going to try an intervention next week and asked if I could participate but I'm not delaying my travel because frankly I just want a clean break. I know for a fact that if I stay involved in only going to be witnessing the slow decent to either a full break or a suicide. I just can't do that
Despite all this I'm actually excited for the future and I have realized that I ignored way too many red flags at the beginning. Even with everything that happened I know I'll be doing good and am going to be alright
I expect this to be my final update. I'm still in town until Sunday afternoon so something could happen while I'm still here but if anything does it won't be exciting
Here's what people had to say to OP after this update:
She’s becoming her family. You did the right thing. I come from a family much like hers. I’ve watched multiple cousins evolve into the next generation of AHs after once swearing they’d get away. They cared more about their family’s approval than they did their mental well being, and now they’re miserable and just like their parents to their own kids.
This is so so sad. Toxic family systems are like quicksand, so hard to get out.
10 days later OP gave what he says is his final update:
I'm currently back in my home state with family refamiliarizing myself with the area. I have 100% decided to stay here permanently and am starting the long process of looking up homes in the area. I've been doing great and hanging out with friends and family
A couple mutuals with my ex fiancee have let me know what's been happening and things finally seem to be getting better. The plan was for an intervention Sunday but Saturday night after her family visited again she called friends in an absolute manic state and it finally seems to have clicked how bad she screwed up. It was a full blown panic attack and meltdown which ended with her in the ER.
Needless to say she finally admits show miserable she is and that she's messed up her life badly. Apparently she tried calling me but I had her blocked.
She still has her job and that info about her losing it was wrong, but she's hanging by a thread there and her boss has basically ordered her to use her PTO for a few weeks to get her head on straight. She's a valuable asset there and they are trying to make sure she can fix herself before they pull the plug on her.
Her friend group is extremely close. My ex was someone who was a very helpful and supportive friend so it makes sense her group is going this far in trying to help her. It is however, and unspoken agreement that if she goes back to how she was again that they are all prepared to let her sink on her own.
She's doing as well as can be expected. Her family has continued to heads her with calls and messages. They've tried showing up to her house but have been firmly redirected by friends and even neighbors. I hope she truly understands the kind of support system she has.
As trashy s$#@show family disputes usually go, her parents and brothers have taken it to Facebook, which from what I heard has been in my exes favor as it has exposed their behavior to many more people and seems to have shut them up for a little.
Finally, she had one of the mutuals pass a message to me. Essentially it was her admitting all the horrible things she said to me were not true and were done by her family (as I knew they were), she apologized for how things ended and hoped we could one day reconnect.
Sadly I had to relay that we need to stay separated for good and she just needs to focus on her healing, but I told her I still care for her and I wish her the best, but this needs to be our goodbye. The message seems to have been passed along and her friends are helping her process that. She's got a long way to go but I hope she can find her peace as I am finding mine
Here's what people had to say after this final update:
I'm proud of the OP for remaining as free as possible from that s%$^how. It's far better for this woman if she realizes that her choices have real consequences, and that if she doesn't want future consequences like that, then she needs to do real and heavy work on herself.
Oof glad to hear your ex fiancée is hopefully getting the help she desperately needs. And my friend I am glad you are protecting yourself from this cluster. Stay strong and best wishes on your new journey back home!
Good for you, for not letting yourself get sucked back in. Not only would it be terrible for you, it would be terrible for her—although you were not at all at fault for her situation, you were deep enough in the middle that it risked restarting all of her bad patterns. She needs as clean a break as possible, and so do you.