'AITA for leaving my autistic friend at Disney during a meltdown?'
"AITA for leaving my autistic friend at Disney during a meltdown?"
I have/had a 30 year old autistic female friend who I went to Disney with one day. She is single and has no kids. I have a one year old. We drove separate cars to the park that day and from the moment we arrived, she started dictating what we would be doing and which rides we would go on first and when we would get food/drinks, etc.
This was fine until about 8 hours into the day when I suggested we go on a different ride than what she wanted. She told me it wasn’t in her plan and we needed to follow the plan. I’m annoyed at this point because I’m lugging around a one year old and trying to accommodate both of their needs.
I followed her plan for a couple more hours to keep the peace but then my child needed food so I insisted we deviate from the plan so I could get something to fuel myself and my kid. My friend lost it at this point. She started crying and saying how I didn’t understand her. I wasn’t sensitive at all. I told her it felt like I was at Disney with a baby and a 4 year old.
At that point she sat down on the ground and refused to get up. I just left and walked away. I got some food and coffee and then I drove home. I do realize there were better ways to handle this but I am probably an impatient AH.
I might be an ableist too. After all, I did desire taking the easy way out by not dealing with it. If we had taken the same car, I wouldn’t have left her. I would have called her mom and told her to pick her up.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ESH. Why are you still calling yourself this person’s friend when you have nothing but contempt for her? Why did you invite this a^%$ole on a trip with you knowing that this is how she is?
Antzgomarching OP responded:
That’s not true. I don’t have contempt for her at all. I lost my patience in an isolated event.
You made a whole post complaining about how she’s an a^%$ole. Don’t be friends with people you hate. And if you knew this a*$%ole for any length of time, you should have known this is how she’d act.
Antzgomarching OP responded:
Noted. My screening process is trips to Disney. Are you worthy of my friendship? Let me see your behavior at Disney.
NTA. She needed to follow her plan. You had a 1 year old, who frankly you couldn’t make wait to eat! How did you do naps? That must have been an exhausting day for you! Honestly she needed to share this plan in advance if the plan was so important to her to be followed.
Antzgomarching OP responded:
Naps were in the stroller or baby carrier. Baby was having a fun time. But we live here so it’s not an atypical day.
definitely nta. Sucks though because you know the way she feels is genuine and not manipulative. Big bummer.
Antzgomarching OP responded:
True and before I had a child I was able to show more patience with her. I am becoming a better person but our physical needs have to be met in order for me to be my best self.
If you agreed to follow her plan ahead of time, YTA. If she assumed her plan would be followed without you agreeing to it, NTA.
Antzgomarching OP responded:
There was not a prediscussion. I just went with the flow until I needed to change things up. I did suggest that we meet back up after I took care of our needs.
Then ya, this is on her. If she only wanted to travel together if she could plan the itinerary to that detail, she needs to have communicated that AND gotten your buy-in/allowed you to negotiate your priorities into the itinerary ahead of time.
Why did you bring your one year old to Disney? How was that child going to nap? What rides can a one year old go on?
Antzgomarching OP responded:
We live here so we have annual passes. One year olds can go on most of the rides. I don’t think this is uncommon. I also brought him backpacking in Africa for 12 days. Disney has a lot of amenities and comforts. Humans are resilient if you let them be.
There's a point I haven't seen from the other autistics in the comments, and that's that this woman was not having a meltdown. She was having a tantrum and deliberately deploying the fact she's autistic as a weapon--which is a stratagem far too complex for a person experiencing a genuine meltdown to employ.
She may be autistic, but she's also a self centered b*^%h. My father, from whom I got the autisticness, was also a grandiose narcissist and a monster who nearly killed me with abuse and medical neglect. You can be autistic and be a total a*&^ole.
Antzgomarching OP responded:
I think this is also why I was losing my patience. I was feeling manipulated and I didn’t like that I wasn’t as patient as I usually was. I didn’t like my response. And I didn’t like that so felt like she was manipulating me because I felt like I wasn’t understanding her.
Am I the only one curious how many different rides she could go on with a one year old? I think that would be very limiting unless there was another adult with you.
Antzgomarching OP responded:
These have no height restrictions. Small World, Peter Pan, Winnie the Pooh, Carousel, Haunted Mansion, Tiki Birds, The Little Mermaid, People Mover, Train, Safari, Dumbo, Aladdin Carpet, Pirates of the Caribbean, Nemo, Spaceship Earth, Frozen, Remy, Runaway Railroad, plus there is the parade and other shows. Sometimes it’s just enjoying the environment.
NTA, how did they end up? Did you hear from them after you left and did you let them know you were going home?
Antzgomarching OP responded:
I did let her know I was going home and I texted her mom to let her know what happened. I think everything was fine because ai saw a picture on social media with her drinking a margarita at Epcot with her Mickey ears on.
NTA. I'm 26 w/ autism and would never act that way in public. Was she like this prior to this trip starting? Is there a specific reason, besides her acting like a toddler, why she can't accommodate you and your child? You did great walking away from a situation she began in the first place.
Antzgomarching OP responded:
That’s a great question. I had never seen this exact behavior before. I had been other places with her several times and things were smooth. I had heard stories from her about others making her angry and I even made her mad because I misquoted a line from a movie but she didn’t hold a grudge.
I think it was hard for her to think of my viewpoint when she was deep in the emotions. I understand that. But I didn’t want to reinforce this situation by giving it attention.
NTA. I am 22 and I’m autistic. Having a set plan and sticking to the plan is something that can be so important for a lot of autistic people but it’s not okay to dictate that everyone else must also follow that plan. You had to look after your baby and yourself and if your friend couldn’t understand that then they’re not a good friend.
ah, yes. The sitting down inappropriately in public thing. My brother is autistic, very high functioning and can live and work on his own. However, when we were teens I remember he and my mother and grandmother would start arguing in the store and my brother would sit down in the middle of the racks on the floor and then scream if he was scolded.
Antzgomarching OP responded:
I get that it’s a coping mechanism to regulate but I was asking myself, “when am I becoming the barrier that’s preventing you from moving through this?” If I am not helping both her and myself, then I have to remove myself.