'AITA if I leave my bf in the middle of the night when the plan was to sleep in late?'
"AITA if I leave my bf in the middle of the night when the plan was to sleep in late?"
Tonight my (25/F) bf (25/M) were to a friend's birthday in an other city. I don't drink much, but my bf does, and he holds it good enough that I've never seen him wasted.
When I picked him up, he told me he was hangover from the previous night (he had a gathering with some friends), but he kept drinking the whole party. He didn't appreciate when I tried to get him to drink a glass of water here and there in hope that the next hangover wouldn't be worse.
He said he felt like I was babying him (it wasn't my goal, but i could see how it made him feel that way) so I apologised and stopped. Besides that, the party went well. He made sure I didn't feel alone when I needed a break here and there and was affectionate and playful. I had fun.
So after the party we went to his place (he lives alone). We talked about taking a bath together and then going to bed, and sleep in until I have to go around noon. Instead, when we arrived, he started talking about having a headache, and complaining about his back/shoulders pain.
I've told him multiple times before to call a physiotherapist (which would be free) because even though I can massage him from time to time (which happens most nights we are together) I cannot fix the issue and I'm probably actually not helping at all.
So I cave in, and massage him. Once I was done he immediately fell asleep, so I figured I should just be happy he forgot to turn on the AC (it irritates my nose, and I already mentioned it to him) and sleep too.
Problem is: he has a bed made for one person. It's a tight fit for two, and I've never had a good full night sleep in it. I've offered to go to my place sometimes because my bed is bigger, but it never happened (i can understand he feels uncomfortable around my family, i live with my mom to save money, so i let it go).
Tonight I managed to doze a bit, until he moved and took the full bed, which never happens. I had no space left between him and the wall, so I got up. I probably could wake him up to ask him to scoot a bit... but I realised I could just go home. I would sleep better at home.
I guess I am tired of helping him with his back and drinking when he complains but does nothing to fix it. And I also am tired of sacrificing my sleep every time we see each other, despite having proposed multiple solutions...
WIBTA if I went home now, even though the plan was to sleep in late together?
The internet did not hold back their thoughts one bit.
Timet-tie-231 wrote:
NTA. He is stuck in a culture of binge drinking. To drink on top of a hangover is a bad sign. He is at serious risk of addiction. Then he does not prioritise your needs. He won't go to your home. He could easily get a bigger bed with the money he is spending on alcohol.
I think you should send him a message explaining that he was taking the whole bed and you really need to sleep. But the future of the relationship is up to you. He probably sees no reason to change anything. I suggest you need to talk to him about these issues. Or you will be in for more of the same.
OP responded:
You're not wrong about how he spends his money. I didn't think about that...
FieryVin wrote:
NTA. The plan was never for him to hog the already small bed. The plan was for both of you to sleep in, not just him sleeping and you unable to get a wink of sleep the whole night. Furthermore, when he said he felt like you were babying him, I get the feeling that it’s because he knew he wasn’t acting like a grown up. I could be wrong though about that last one. Hope you get home safely, OP.
WalkinAngel wrote:
You’re not storming off or being dramatic you’re making a reasonable decision to take care of your own comfort and well-being after trying to accommodate him all night. He’s asleep, he’s fine, and you’re allowed to prioritize your rest without feeling guilty. Leaving to get better sleep isn’t rude it’s self-care. Go home. Sleep well.
Tiny-Start-1530 wrote:
I mean it sounds like he’s just burdening you. From my perspective, I used to have a twin and my bfs hated it as much as me but they still stayed none of them even thought about leaving because they liked my presence. If you’re picking up what I'm putting down it sounds like you don’t really like his presence. I really would just break up it doesn’t sound like it’s gonna work long term. Also, I’d be annoyed asf too.
Somthing-bothersome wrote:
NTA. But have you considered not staying over at his place? He is uncomfortable at your place, and you are uncomfortable at his. So simply don’t. Once that is established, you both are in a position to have a discussion about what options you are willing to put on the table to resolve the issue.
Currently there is really no need to do that because you are willing to put up with your discomfort- that is the solution that you have both found. So, take that option off the table and then start from scratch. NTA but you are being a bit silly as you are choosing to doing something that is making you increasingly uncomfortable and then wondering why the situation is making you increasingly upset. Stop!
Familiar_Shock_1542 wrote:
NTA. Just leave and stay gone. He won't bother getting a big-enough bed. He likes A/C and you don't. He drinks too much. He uses you for nightly massages and then crashes out. He complains frequently about back issues, but won't seek treatment. He gets mad if you offer him water. He sounds annoying. I'd move on.