'AITA for leaving my family without a turkey after my mom criticized my fiancée?'
"AITA for leaving my family without a turkey after my mom criticized my fiancée?"
29M. A few weeks ago, I got engaged to my fiancée Julia. I love her very much and I'm 100% sure she’s the one I want to marry.
I’ve always been close to my mom, but sadly, Julia has never been her cup of tea. Julia is very career oriented, and cannot cook or decorate to save her life. My mom, on the other hand, prides herself on being a great cook and having the house perfect.
In the past, she’s expressed concern that Julia and I are too different and she won’t be a dedicate wife and mother. I’ve always thought these criticisms were unfair and continued to pursue the relationship.
We went to my family’s house for Thanksgiving this year and usually, my mom prepares everything herself. Strangely, when Julia called and asked if we could bring anything, she asked if Julia could do the turkey.
As I mentioned, Julia has very little cooking experience, and told my mom she was worried about ruining the meal. My mom told her she should just try and that she’d have to learn to cook at some point.
Julia was stressed about making the turkey and also has been extraordinarily busy with work. Instead of cooking, we decided to pick up turkey from Whole Foods. Julia was exited that she could contribute and also didn’t have the stress of ruining the meal.
When we got to the house, my mom asked how Julia how she prepared the turkey. Julia said sheepishly that she’d purchased it from Whole Foods. My mom was furious. She said she trusted Julia to make the turkey and said that she prides herself on serving a home cooked meal to her guests.
Julia apologized and said she just wanted to make sure the family had something enjoyable and that the turkey we bought would be better than anything she tried cooking.
My mom spent the next hour pouring and whispering to her sisters. I pulled her to the side and asks if everything was okay. My mom said she asked Julia to make the turkey and she couldn’t even be bothered to try.
She said this showed a lack of respect and also an unwillingness to “grow up.” My mom proceeded to tell me that she doesn’t think Julia is the one for me and is worried about her ability to care for herself and our children.
I was fuming. I told my mom that Julia is amazing, and her lack of cooking skills is not an issue for me in the slightest. I said that if my mom couldn’t respect my fiancée, I didn’t want to spend the holiday with them. My mom said my fiancée is the one who doesn’t know how to respect others and I’m delusional if I can’t see that.
I ended up taking the turkey and telling Julia we were leaving. We drove across town and enjoyed a wonderful night with her family. Julia and I are both devastated, but I’ve assured her that this my mom’s issue and not hers.
About half an hour ago, I got a call from my sister. She said we ruined Thanksgiving by leaving and also taking the turkey. I said I didn’t realize they’d want the turkey since my mom was so critical. My sister insisted it was a misunderstanding and that cooking means a lot to our mom because it’s how she expresses love.
She interpreted the lack of effort as Julia not making an effort to bond and assimilate with the family. My sister is asking me to apologize, but I feel we’re the ones who are owed an apology.
I’ll also note that my mom has never once asked me to make the turkey and it seems like a double standard that she suddenly expects Julia to do it. It also seems like she’s trying to turn my wife into someone she’s not. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
My in laws started to complain to my husband shortly after we were married about the things I didn’t do or didn’t do the way they wanted me to. He told them not to make him choose between his wife and them. Because they wouldn’t be happy with the choice he made. OP needs to tell him mother the same thing.
Alert-Glove2100 OP:
Yeah I need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with my family at this point
I’m sorry your mother has put you in such a stressful place. Stick to what you know is right. And let your mom know she just permanently damaged the chances of her and Julia ever having any kind of a meaningful relationship. And that if she can’t support your relationship with Julia she can expect to not be a part of your life anymore.
NTA: It sounds like your Mom is really on a power trip and can't stand that your fiancée has replaced her in your life.
I agree… it’s crazy because she’s been so nice my whole life but seeing how she’s treated my fiancée has really changed my view of her sadly :(
Your mom set up Julia. She knew she'd struggle with that turkey, but that's why she asked her to make it so she could have this moment of making her feel less than. If you know folks can't cook, you never have them cook the center piece of the entire meal.
Good for you for standing up for Julia. Unfortunately, you will be doing this the rest of your life with your mom. NTA
It sounds as if your mother doesn't care at all what you want in a wife. She is imposing her own feelings on your relationship and needs to stop. You need to make and enforce boundaries and you're off to a good start.
I agree… she wants me with someone who will cook and be a more “traditional” wife but that’s not important to me.
NTA in the SLIGHTEST; but first of all, good on you for standing up for your fiance. Your mother is extremely unreasonable, not to mention rude.
Sure, not everyone can cook well. That isn't a big deal or anything to be ashamed about. A turkey was still brought. It's not "disrespectful" of your fiance to not cook. And then to complain that you didn't leave the very same turkey they bitched about? Come on now. Truthfully, it seems like your mother might be jealous or dislike your fiance heavily for whatever reason.
I totally agree…. My fiancée brought a turkey and wanted to find something good for the family! I didn’t appreciate her attitude.
I noticed in another comment that your mother wanted you to have a more "traditional" wife. You have your own opinions and feelings, and your fiance may be perfect for you. Don't let your mom run over you because your life isn't in her vision.
She’s perfect to me! I love her and like that she’s passionate about her career and other things too! She’s sweet and shows love in her own way.
NTA. Your mom was “testing” Julia. It was an intentional lose/lose situation.
Your mom is not someone I’d want in my life. Are you sure you want her in yours? Please don’t make Julia go near your mom ever again. It seems your mom is disrespectful and manipulative, and she has it out for Julia.
I agree it was a test. I always loved my mom. We’re very different but she was a good mom to me. I’ve been shocked and disappointed with how she’s treated my fiancée. I want my mom in my life but not if she treats my wife like this… she’s my priority at this point
NTA. Your sisters helped your mother bully Julia. She doesn’t get a say.
Even if Julia cooked a turkey herself, and did an objectively good job, your mother would still find a reason to complain. She made up her mind about Julia month ago and has no interest in changing it for any reason. It wouldn’t surprise me if your mother intentionally set Julia up to fail.
Yeah I agree… they were setting her up to fail
NTA your mom set her up and you handled it beautifully.
I think so too