"AITA if I leave my husband because of his brother?"
I 31F have been with my husband (Tim)30M for almost 4 years, married almost 2 years. We currently live in a rented home his parents used to live in with his brother (Max) 24M.
His parents are now retired in another country and Max stayed behind in the home. When they left. my husband and I moved into the home they were renting. So now in the home it’s the three of us.
Max is very much to himself and has always been babied, he is “blunt” aka rude and uncaring of others. He has no respect for anyone not even his own parents.
His parents and Tim did everything for him and he never really learned to do things on his own. Now that his parents left his mom sort of joked at one point that I would need to help.. uhm, no. I’m no one’s maid or mom and he’s a grown man.
At first there were things here and there that bugged me a bit but I asked Tim to mention to his brother that chores would need to be a communal thing at least for the shared spaces; kitchen and bathroom.
I wasn’t asking much just if the trash is full- take it out, clean up after cooking for yourself, after the trash has been picked up bring in the bins, wash your own dishes, if there is a spill clean it, etc etc.
Nothing changed, he would leave the toilet seat up, there would be pee all over the floor around the toilet. One time, I forgot to put a bag in the trash bin and he threw away his sardines in the new trash bin so it smelled bad.
He doesn’t bring in the bins or help clean the bathroom. Sometimes I would find spilled coffee grounds or rice on the counter. Once he got drunk in his room and threw up everywhere came out to the living room and went to sleep.
We found out morning after that he tried to vacuum it up with our brand new vacuum cleaner, it still gives off a nasty smell when you use it and this happened almost a year ago.
Now Max is refusing to close the door after coming home at night. We don’t live in a terrible area but it’s not nice either. Our home has double doors, since I’ve moved in, I have been locking both doors. We all have keys and the same key opens both doors.
Max works late sometimes he comes back at 2am/4am/7am we don’t know his schedule but these are the times he’ll come back. We have a solid door inside and a grate door outside, he will lock the grate door but leaves the solid door open. I’ve let him know to close and lock the door when he gets in and Tim has also mentioned it to him.
He came home tonight and left the door open. Side note: we also want the door closed cuz our dog has sensitive hearing and will bark at anything and with the solid door closed he doesn’t hear all the outside noises. Anyway, I msged him again that he needs to close and Lock the door when returning. He replied back “Leave it unlocked for me and I will”.
At this point, since my husband hates confrontation, I know he isn’t going to do anything or say anything and I’m tired of feeling like I’m not safe in my own home and not feeling respected. And anytime I try to talk to Tim about it he thinks I’m attacking him and his family. Or he’ll say “I can’t make him do anything”
I’ve been thinking about leaving, I don’t have a job or savings or a car. I got let go in July and have been looking, my saving that I did have I used for bills. So I feel so trapped, and I love my husband so much but I don’t feel valued or supported.
I wouldn’t have anywhere to go but I’m not sure what to do at this point. Tim also isn’t willing to kick his brother out or have us move due to the economy and our financial circumstances.
Can anyone give advice? Am I in the wrong for wanting to leave? Am I asking for too much in order to have a safe and clean environment not only for me but my family? (Husband and pets)
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA but you have a major husband problem not just a BIL one. He does not have your back, not surprising since he doesn't have a spine. Have you told him your ready to walk? If he's unwilling to work on a resolution to save your marriage then it's already over.
Due to your circumstances, I would start making a get out plan instead of just walking out the door with nowhere to go. I really hope your husband comes through for you though. Can't believe he vacuumed up vomit - yuck!
NTA - you are not wrong wanting to leave. You are not asking too much.
Home is supposed to be a safe place.
Ordinarily I don’t believe in ultimatums. However, in this case it would be appropriate to tell your husband that you both need to move to a new rental, or you are leaving him. You cannot reasonable expected to live like this! This way you’re at least giving him a choice.
Just quit cleaning up after them, especially if you're not on the lease with investment in a security bond. Let it rot. You need to refocus all of this pent up anger into filling out job applications. You need a job yesterday. Your husband isn't going to kick out his brother more than likely, and if he does somehow manage you will "owe him one" for eternity.
NTA, you're not wrong in wanting to leave. I wouldn't do anything now, get back into the job market and make a plan to leave. I ignored all the problems and let everything blow up to see your husband's reaction. I would do the minimum at home.
Ok_Confusion3924 (OP)
Just answering some stuff:
I have told my husband that I am thinking about leaving, I’ve gotten 2 responses. 1. Stop talking nonsense and 2. Well it feels like you've made up your mind about the separation and I can’t stop you.
He’s told me in the past that he would always pick family. This was before we got married but I truly believe it still stands.
Bills for the most part are split evenly. When I WAS working I paid my portion to most bills but not all. With my savings I’ve paid for my portion of Rent, groceries and my own bills i.e credit card bills.
Since I’ve lost my job I’m mostly the one that cleans and takes care of the pets. Only thing Tim is in charge of is washing the dog, cleaning the yard, take out the bins and cleaning the bathroom. Max does nothing.
I do have friend in Oregon that are willing to take me and my cat and lizard in but I just have no way of getting there. And I’ve cut iff my family. No contact for about 3 years now.
I don’t blame you for wanting out. Your husband isn’t backing you up, your BIL is an idiot who fails at being ans adult and your In Laws expect you to baby him the way they did/do. Being around people who cannot see these issues would be massively off putting especially if you are married to one of them.