"AITA if I leave my partner over a wedding?"
I want a wedding. I've been dreaming of weddings since I was little, and getting my hands on Pinterest basically changed my life. My boyfriend is the "let's have a tiny wedding (10 of our closest people) and blow the rest of the money on 2 month long traveling vacation." Or \ courthouse ceremony + informal party.
He doesn't understand my need for the ritual of a wedding. {A lot of these reasons could be satisfied by a courthouse wedding, but I don't want that.}
My mom wanted a wedding her whole life as well and got stuck in a relationship with a man for 20+ years who won't marry her. That is my personal nightmare.
My dumbass sister became a baby mama, no wedding, no marriage, not even in a fully committed relationship. Also, I am the type of person who shows up for eveyeone's everything, who plans everyone's everything.
For once in my life, I want an event, a moment, where everyone shows up for me, for us, and our new chapter. It's also a break in generational patterns, where I can show my other siblings what's possible.
Also, I want a wedding. That feels like enough of a reason. The argument "you want a wedding more than a marriage." I can't want both? Why does wanting one supercede the other?
I'm not getting married without a wedding. Full stop. Call it superficial, its important to me. Having a wedding isn't more important to me than being married, but I shouldn't have to make the "compromise" of a courthouse wedding or an elopement because he didn't want a big or expensive wedding.
That's not what a compromise is, its me not getting the wedding I've been planning my whole life because he doesn't want to, but he still gets what he wants, which is a) to be married and b) to do it inexpensively and quietly.
It's supposed to be a compromise when everyone gets a little bit of what they want and a little bit of what they don't want, so how do I come out having gained more / equal to, what I lost in that scenario?
I'm not getting married without a wedding, and I'm not having a wedding, that means I'm not having kids, because nobody ever in my family had kids within a marriage with all the same last name, and that's a goal of mine.
And I want kids. So if I'm not getting married to this person, and thus not having kids, why would I stay in a long term relationship that is leading me away from my ideal life?
I don't need a big 2000 person wedding on a beach in Italy Kardashian style. I don't even need a 200 person traditional American wedding. 50 people. 75 people. A photographer, videographer, and a good caterer. Open bar.
He then proposes if I get the wedding I want I am solely responsible for paying for it.
What?
I just don't understand why compromise means I get nothing that I want, he gets to be perfectly happy, I regret my wedding day for the rest of my life, OR I stay with this guy and never get married. Am I crazy if I decide to leave?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, if you guys can't come to a compromise on this at the very beginning you shouldn't be getting married.
Do YOU have the money for a wedding? Because it sounds like it’s going to be really expensive and I don’t think that is fair to expect a partner to want to fork over 5-10k (assuming that’s about half) for something they don’t want. I would never expect a 5-10K gift from a partner.
But also NTA! If you want a big wedding, girl find someone who wants that too! If that’s a deal breaker then that’s a deal breaker and there is nothing wrong with that. But when you start dating again make sure you find someone who also wants that.
Swimming-Text701 (OP)
Thank you for your judgement. :) In my opinion, it's not about the need for a big expensive wedding and I understand him not wanting to drop 5-10k on a wedding. Completely understandable.
But instead of coming to the compromise where, okay let's cut here or cut there or alter this or change the budget or no open bar; he's "either we get married for 50 dollars at a courthouse (exaggerating) or I basically don't want to contribute to it, because at that point it's your wedding. I'll just show up. All I want is to be married."
Ideally we both would enjoy our wedding, but I know in my heart I would be pissed for the rest of my life if I let a man talk me into giving up a dream I've had my entire life to go country hopping on a honeymoon. We can save that money again, and go do that. But we can't save again and have my grandmother come to our 'redo wedding' in x years, you know?
No you would not be crazy if you decide to leave.
My now husband wanted to go to the courthouse. But he knew I wanted a ceremony and reception. We had a small ceremony at a historic chapel, followed by a luncheon reception at a restaurant’s banquet room. We did have a photographer- no videographer, though. Could a small low-key wedding (although not courthouse or backyard level low-key) work for the two of you?
It is not wanting a wedding more than a marriage- otherwise you would want a fancy debt-inducing destination wedding where you invite everybody you have crossed paths with and their friends and family. I booked all the vendors (except for his tux and that of his best man). Would this work for the two of you?
No, that isn't a crazy decision at all. You should be with someone who understands how important this is to you and why it is important with the context of your family history. If your partner can't see that and work with you on a solution that would make you both happy, don't waste any more time.
NTA for sticking to your dreams and wanting a wedding. They can be done for less than $5-10k. But the fact that he is not willing to work with you or compromise with you says to me that he’s going to do this to you for your entire relationship. I’d get out now than continue to deal with a selfish partner who will not compromise and it will always be his way or the highway.