'AITA for quietly leaving a group plan after being left out of the conversation?'
"AITA for quietly leaving a group plan after being left out of the conversation?"
I’m still not sure if I handled this the right way, so I’m here for an outside perspective. Last weekend, a small group of friends (5 of us total) made plans to meet up for dinner and then walk around a local street fair.
The plan itself was casual, but it was something we’d all agreed on earlier in the week. I cleared my evening for it. The day of, we were coordinating through a group chat. I messaged asking what time we were meeting and where exactly. No one responded.
About 15 minutes later, I saw two people in the chat sending memes to each other, so I figured they’d seen my message and would answer soon. They didn’t. I sent a follow-up about 20 minutes later asking if plans had changed. Still nothing.
At that point, I assumed maybe everyone was already together and just forgot to loop me in, but I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. I went ahead and drove to the general area we’d talked about, thinking I’d figure it out when I got there.
I parked, walked around for a bit, and kept checking my phone. Eventually I saw on social media that two of them were already at a restaurant nearby. I didn’t want to cause a scene or make things awkward, so instead of confronting anyone, I just went home.
I didn’t announce that I was leaving or send a passive-aggressive message. I figured it was better to cool off and talk about it later. The next morning, one friend messaged asking why I ghosted the plan and said it was rude to disappear without saying anything.
I explained that I’d asked multiple times for details, didn’t get responses, and didn’t feel comfortable showing up uninvited once it seemed like things had already started without me.
They said I should’ve spoken up more directly and that leaving without saying anything made it look like I didn’t care. I said it felt like I was already being sidelined, and I didn’t want to beg for attention.
Now the group feels a little tense. Some friends think I overreacted and should’ve just walked up to them anyway, while others say it’s reasonable not to chase people who aren’t responding.
I didn’t intend to punish anyone I just didn’t want to force myself into a situation where I clearly wasn’t being included. AITA for leaving quietly instead of pushing my way into the plan?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
They're gaslighting you. You asked in the group chat where to meet. They didn't respond. You asked again. They didn't respond. You saw on social media they were already at a restaurant and correctly inferred that if they wanted you there they would have replied in the group chat. Your feelings were hurt. Rather than being confrontational, you went home to cool off.
Don't let them blame you. You not saying anything at the time doesn't mean you didn't care. It means you didn't want to accidentally say something you might regret later. They were AHs. You are NTA.
This. The gaslighting for real. If they had missed op they would have texted or called as soon as they noticed the absence. They clearly weren't concerned about it at the time. They're not really friends with op or would have reached out, at the very least to confirm OP hadn't been in a cr wreck or something.
NTA.
They ditched you and they are trying to look innocent. Find new friends.
Right? Asking the next morning is such a slap in the face. In a real misunderstanding, they’d have texted night of. “Are you almost here? We’re at the restaurant. Parking’s a &*%£!” Following up the next day when nothing can be done just makes it so obvious that it’s about saving face, not about wanting OP there.
NTA. They all ended up in the same restaurant--which means there's a second group chat without you for them to coordinate in. These ppl are not your friends.
NTA "I asked TWICE. VERY directly. And you all ignored me. I walked around by myself while you all ignored me. No, I do not owe you my time and humiliation. Any of you could have answered me. You didn't, and that was clearly very much on purpose.
You made me the butt of your joke then got mad when I didn't want to play anymore. You are clearly not my friends and you clearly didn't want me there. You owe me an apology at the very least. How dare you try to turn this around on me?"
NTA at all. And you did "speak up more directly" when you specifically asked on the group chat where and when to meet. You were ignored, so if I were in your shoes I'd have done the same thing. No one cared enough to answer your questions, so no one should care if you're not there. They sound like flaky friends.
What? What could possibly be more direct than asking twice for info on where to meet them? This is wild. Your friends absolutely suck, I’d make new ones. If they’d wanted you there they’d have told you where to meet them, or called you once you didn’t show up.
Using it as an excuse to get mad at you seems like part 2 of a plan to alienate you. Seems like they want to end the friendship but are doing it passive aggressively. NTA, good luck on finding non cruddy people to hang out with.
It sounds like you communicated clearly and these "friends" of yours ignored you. Why you were ignored or made to be excluded, who knows? They were AH. I can't speak to the dynamics in this friend group generally, as in, why would you be treated this way, but in this instance NTA.
If they genuinely thought you’d be coming, where were their texts asking “hey, we’re at the table. Are you close?” NTA they’re lying and trying to gaslight you so they get away with being crappy to you. Some people can’t handle having a straight convo so they behave badly while doing anything they can to units they aren’t bad people.
I’d have interpreted that as no one really wanting you there but not wanting to outright address it so they each excused themselves from answering figuring that it’s not their responsibility to help you join and whoever did feel close to you would take care of it. Except none did. And now they aren’t about to make themselves feel guilty for it.