New mom shamed by own mother while boyfriend makes life unbearable. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for thinking of leaving my boyfriend because his behavior has gotten worse after the birth of our daughter?"
We 22f and 27m have a two month old daughter. She is super colicky, she hates being put down, she cries so much. Her pediatrician says she's just a miserable baby and she will eventually grow out of it.
My boyfriend wasn't the most supportive during my pregnancy but now that our daughter has all of these problems, he's gotten so much worse. He complains that we don't have sex enough, he complains she cries too much, he complains that he works too much and I'm a mooch for not having found a job yet.
He often leaves me to manage everything while he plays video games or hangs out with friends. It's okay for him to go out and get drunk and stay the night at a friends house but he will literally time me when I'm taking a shower and blame me for the fact our water bill is too high.
He makes me feel like I'm a failure of a mother because our daughter spits up so much we go through 4/5 outfit changes a day and he complains that its too much laundry. Some bill is late or behind and he blames me for not "contributing" to our shared bills even though he promised to take care of us both.
My boyfriend wont let us use any type of government assistance because he thinks that's beneath us. But we are constantly counting pennies and I have to go with out so we can get the special formula my daughter needs so she absolutely miserable all the time.
We got into a fight yesterday because I placed a Walmart delivery for diapers, wipes, rash cream and I bought myself some Chef Boyardee cans so I can have something to eat while he's at work. He ended up screaming at me yesterday while our daughter was crying. I just started crying because I felt so defeated.
I called my mom while he was at work today and just broke down. She said he's just struggling to adjust to fatherhood, and "this is what I get" for having a baby out of wedlock. She said she struggled hard when I was a child and this is my punishment for not going to college and being a "dumb sl%t".
I get it some days because she was a single mom too but I remember being primarily raised by my grand parents and she's never even watched my baby. She doesn't want too because of her medical issues and has told me so.
I told my mom I wanted to leave him and she laughed and said I was being dumb and that he's "all I've got" now and she won't help me (this is after me begging her to lend me some money so I can buy my own groceries and I promised I'd pay her back once I find a job) anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I am just not cut out to be a parent. I don't feel like a good parent. My mom makes me feel even worse about it and has told me I need to give my daughter to a better family and when my boyfriend is angry, he's told me he wished he had just left us so he wouldn't have to "deal with us" any longer.
I think I need to leave my boyfriend but I'm also scared to do that. Am I being dumb about wanting to leave him? Is my mom right? I don't want my daughter to grow up without her father but he stresses me out so much now I don't even want to be around him because of his behavior.
edit: my grand parents are dead otherwise I would leave him and go live with them. I called the domestic violence hotline and they are going to put me in touch with shelters. I have seven dollars to my name and I put our important documents in the diaper bag.
Please stop messaging me telling me I'm a dummy or I shouldn't have had my baby I can't turn back time now that she's here. I regret who her father is but I don't want to give her up. I want to leave him and I'm doing my best to get that in motion. I'm going to leave as soon as I can once a shelter has a place for us both.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
NTA but you need to leave now. Go on government assistance, name him as the father so the government can get some of its money back and find somewhere else to live.
Government assistance is a safety net that is created for people in your situation. And anyone that has a child no longer has the right to put their pride ahead of proper care and feeding and safe housing of that child. Take the help, for your baby if nothing else.
It always baffles me that people get on their high horse about people claiming benefits. YOU'VE ALREADY PAID FOR THEM, like where do people think that money comes from, it's the taxes you pay for the safety net when you need it. OP needs it.
Claim what you're eligible for. Get that child support. Ditch the dead weight and you'll notice how much lighter life is without him dragging behind you like an anchor. Figure out who you can rely on for help, even if it's just half an hour so you can shower in peace.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I know a lot of you wanted an update when I got one. I'm writing this post while he's at work. I'm so tired and scared. I was up at 3 am and again at 5 am with my daughter and trying to ignore him. i haven't spoken to my mom about leaving him because I'm too worried she might tell him my plan.
I'm just going to cut her out entirely because she isn't safe and I'm too scared and worried she's going to take his side and try to make me stay with him when I don't want to . I've never been able to really trust my mom at all but I know I can't trust her with this.
The shelter won't have a space for us until Monday. I've packed away all of our important documents like our birth certificates and social security cards. The shelter can't get us placed in a hotel over the weekend and I don't want to risk him finding out when he's off work so I just have to make it through the weekend to get away from him.
I'm hoping the shelter will be able to help me get any assistance I can apply for (I've never had to do it before so I'm kind of clueless on how it works) I'm hoping I can also get a protective order against him and he can't have our daughter alone until she grows out of her colic and he won't be so frustrated or angry at her when she cries.
I'm terrified to leave her alone with him but I don't know if I'll have to let him see her once we leave. I'm going to continue stashing away our important items until he gets home and I'm honestly hoping he just goes out to drink and stays away so I can have one night of peace (besides waking up ever 2-3 hours for my daughter) I can't wait to take a shower as long as I want and eat a hot meal that isn't from a can.
I'm hoping the shelter will be able to give me clothes that actually fit. I can't wait to when I don't have to wake up with anxiety in my stomach or worrying about spending money (when I get a job and have my own income) or getting yelled at for buying necessities that I need and my daughter needs.
I will update everyone again once we are in the shelter on Monday. Thank you to everyone who's offered help, and advice, a place for us to stay, offered food and clothing and stuff I may need once I'm in the shelter and back on my feet.I feel like I'm going to throw up the more I think about leaving but I know I need to do it.
edit: some of you really need to learn how to be empathetic. no I will not send you nudes to make money, no you weirdos I will not send you feet pics or pics of my daughter. I have people in my inbox asking if I will make a Gofundme and right now I don't know. Too afraid of my daughter's father finding out.
I do have my own bank account that he's never had access to. I have people in my inbox telling me to get a job (I'm hoping the shelter can help with that and get me a job fast) or just being down right mean and rude and saying really awful things.
Yes I know it was dumb of me to get pregnant at 21 and have a baby with a guy I'm not married to but I am going to leave him and give my daughter a better life than the one I had. she deserves that and I don't deserve to be treated the way her father has treated me for her short life.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Good. We can wait to see that you make it out safe. Let us know
Update me.
You are making fantastic decisions and I wish you all the best. Do not tell your mom. Pretend to be sick over the weekend to keep away from her and your boyfriend. You are about to utterly transform your life for the better.
You are in my prayers. Document, document, document. When it's safe get a police report for the bottle incident, let them know the delay was because the shelter didn't have an opening, get copies of the shelter paperwork and the wait. Cut your birther out of your life, she doesn't care about the safety of her child or yours.
I didn't do that in time and it's my biggest regret because the ex & birther teamed up. Be prepared for that. Document her telling you to accept the abuse. Do everything in your power to keep yourself & your child safe.
As a real mom (compared to your horrible mother), I am proud of you! You are doing the right thing for you and baby. You are a good, loving, and caring mother. Stay strong.
Never go back OP, never ever believe ANY claims that he has changed. Because when you show that mercy that's when they think you will accept whatever they do and they really go in for the ki11.
He will definitely wait you out and try you, especially once he is made to pay CS. He will try to spin the block and get you back. But get out and stay out and do not waver. NEVER go back. I'm praying for you OP. ❤️❤️