'AITA for leaving my deeply loving and BF because he made marriage conditional?'
"AITA for leaving my deeply loving and BF because he made marriage conditional?"
I'm F25, living with my boyfriend (M27) for two years. We're both from different Asian backgrounds, and the pressure from my family about marriage is high right now. I want to make it absolutely clear that my boyfriend is, in every way except one, an incredible partner. He loves me deeply and takes excellent care of me.
He cooks, handles everything when I'm sick, gives me constant affection (GM/GN kisses), and is financially generous. I asked for $300 once, and he sent $1,000. He even fought with his sister to defend me. We have a genuinely great life together.
The crushing problem is his plan for the future. He's been upfront since the start that he wants to pursue other women once he's financially stable. When I finally brought up marriage, he agreed, but only under one condition: I must accept an open relationship.
He explicitly wants me to agree to this arrangement, insisting I should date others too so he won't feel guilty about his own planned activities. (He has not cheated or approached anyone yet; these are his firm, stated intentions for our future.)
I told him I cannot accept this. My core value is I can never see you with anyone else while being with me, and I cannot be married to a man who is guaranteed to seek out other women. I told him that because we are fundamentally incompatible, I need to break up and move out.
Now, he is fighting me on leaving. He's actively blocking my attempts to move, telling me "it's not safe for you to be alone." or just "you don't go, I will" but shows no intention about moving out. He flip-flops between acting like he doesn't care if I go and then desperately texting me non-stop when I try to create distance. He says he loves me too much to let me go.
Am I the ahole for refusing the only way he will marry me (which includes financial security and a loving home) and insisting on ending a relationship that is otherwise so perfect, just because I can't accept his condition for non-monogamy?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Ok_Damage_2620 said:
When he is at work, go. Do not tell him where you are. Block him. All done.
JJQuantum said:
NTA and this “sweet and loving” guy is now being a controlling ahole. Just leave and if he tries to physically stop you then call the cops. He’s not the guy for you even if he does relent on his open marriage crap.
Atdawnweride2040 said:
I am not trying to be mean but this may come off as abrasive. He doesn't love you. You are unfortunately a place holder until his wife comes along. Run. As soon as you can.
Individual-Foxlike said:
YTA for not leaving sooner. You say he's been clear about this from the start, but you're just now taking this seriously? As soon as he told you this, you should have left. You've wasted both your time and his. NTA for not wanting non-monogamy, but definitely the ahole for staying knowing that's what he wanted.
GentlewomenNeverTell said:
He's a lot worse than you think. Please leave and get some therapy to reset your normal meter. If marriage is important to you, i don't know why you chose to be with a guy who told you you were incompatible from the jump. NTA.
PretendSweet5734 said:
NTA. Non-monotony is not for everyone. He wants it. You don't. You should end things because you are not compatible. How did it get this far? He told you from the start and you just went along with it. Maybe YTA for thinking you would change him.
ld7337 said:
NTA but he is not as loving and wonderful as you think he is if he's trying to *not let you leave* after you (very reasonably and correctly) decided that you need to break up because you want different things. Wait until he's out of the house and move all of your stuff out at once. Block him everywhere and do not engage further. This relationship is over. I'm sorry.
aj_alva said:
NTA. I'm sorry but all of your examples of him being an "incredible partner" sound like control and love bombing. (These are all the things that guys would mention about themselves to paint themselves as good guys in a relationship - while at the same time telling you he plans to sleep with other women).
What he is doing now is recognizing a loss of control. "He loves me too much to let me go" is one of the scariest things a woman can hear. Tell someone your plan to leave and get out as soon as possible, as safely as possible.