AITA for leaving dinner after my grandparents’ friend made a rude joke?
AITA for leaving dinner after my grandparents’ friend made a rude joke?
So I (25F) recently started living with my grandparents after getting a new job. I've always had a good relationship with them, and they have always been supportive of me, including when I came out as asexual.
Over the weekend they said they were going to dinner with two of their friends, a married couple (my grandma and the wife used to work together and are pretty much best friends) and asked if I would like to come along. I said sure. I've met the wife a few times, but not her husband, J (or if I did, it was when I was a little kid).
We get to the restaurant and chat. After he and his wife ask about my new job and move, they ask if I still like to write stories. I've been writing pretty much my whole life, so I say yes and that "I'm always writing something." (I took good care to pronounce the 't'--I used to ride horses when I was younger so I've always enunciated carefully to make the distinction between the two.)
J then winks at me and says "how about boyfriends? Are you riding any of those?" His enunciation was very clear, so I know I didn't mishear him. I said "no" very flatly but couldn't think of what else to say in response because I wasn't expecting it. He said "good, otherwise you end up with a husband and kids" and winked at me again.
I know that is far from the most offensive or crass sex joke in the world, but still made me feel sick and lose my appetite. A few minutes later (we hadn't ordered yet), I politely excused myself, said I wasn't feeling well, and drove back home (my grandparents and I came in separate cars). When my grandparents go home, I told them why I really left, as I hadn't wanted to make a scene at the restaurant.
They told me I was overreacting and that was just J's sense of humor, and he doesn't know that I'm ace. I'm not upset about the joke because I'm asexual, I'm upset because a man who's 50-60 years older than me (and one I don't know at all, to boot) made an inappropriate joke about me to my face in front of my family.
It was humiliating. I told my grandparents that I wouldn't be having lunch with J again, and they said they wouldn't know how to explain that to him. I said that wasn't my problem. We haven't talked about it at all since. AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
NMPapillion wrote:
You could always make HIM feel uncomfortable.
He makes stupid, crass joke.
You look at him and say - I don't understand. What are you trying to say? Please explain. (Followed by silence.) No matter what he says or stutters, you simply listen. When he finishes, you say - I don't understand. What are you trying to say? Please explain. (Followed by silence.) Repeat as needed.
OP responded:
Words cannot describe how much I wish that I’d done that.
Pristine-Local-8176 wrote:
NTA. What he said was pervy and off-putting. Some of the comments here are telling you to toughen up, which seems silly, so I'm not going to do that. But what I will say is get used to processing those uncomfortable feelings alone if you’re not willing to speak up in the moment.
Also don't expect anyone to speak up for you. Your grandparents likely won't in this situation. Ive got no faith in their generation with things like this. Its taken years, but I've gotten pretty good at leaning right into the discomfort and shaming people on the stop.
I would've taken a pause to see if anyone spoke up and then addressed my grandparents, “Wow I don’t think it’s appropriate to speak about my bedroom life at the dinner table, don’t you agree? I’ve lost my appetite and will see you both at home. Goodnight.”
Puts the focus right on him and his creepy behavior, plus shames everyone else at the table about what is appropriate. Its not socially acceptable. Doesn't matter if it's a “joke.” Naming that lack of decorum trumps the joke for that gen.
For what it's worth, given you live with your grandparents, I think you made the best move. You weren't “disrespectful”, you left, and you spoke up to your grandparents. And you decided to not have dinner with those people again. That's all you can do. No notes ❤️
lilbatling wrote:
NTA. He made a weird joke out of left field and I'm shocked your grandparents weren't put off by his commentary towards their own grandchild. If THEY want to let their friend's behavior towards /them/ slide then thats their prerogative but you certainly do not have to put up with it for their sake.
Sweaty_item_3135 wrote:
NTA. You typically don’t use humor like that unless you know your audience/they’re okay with jokes like that, which he clearly didn’t even try to figure out. Creep factor aside it’s just poor taste.
Scarletnotthatone wrote:
NTA. Some old guy who basically doesn't know you doesn't get to ask you if you're hooking up with people or not. I don't know why your grandparents would have trouble explaining this.
LazyAd622 wrote:
NTA J is a creepy old perv.
You were not overreacting, your response was elegant and absolutely appropriate. Good job. I would have asked him if HE had been riding any new boyfriends lately.