'AITA for leaving my fiancé without telling him?' UPDATED
"AITA for leaving my fiancé without telling him?"
To be honest I don't know where to start first, I just need a place to rant because too much is going through my head at once. Not to bore you guys any longer, I've been engaged for 3 months because weddings take long to plan, my partner and I decided to have it in December but I don't think that's happening anymore.
My fiancé (29M) and I (28 F) have been together for 4 years until this year he wanted to tie the knot, my fiancé has a daughter (7) and I've been in her life very much. She would call me mom and see me as one since her mom didn't make time for her, her mother is still around but when it's her time to pick her daughter up, she doesn’t do as told.
I guess I should have known what I was getting into, my fiance and the mother of his child were bad at co-parenting which led to their daughter having mental issues because of it, his daughter has separation anxiety now.
I would be the one to de-escalate the situation. To put more context for you guys, from my perspective, I thought my fiancé and the mother of his child hated each other guts but I was wrong.
The entire time he was sneaking behind my back to be with her, I had the text messages, and videos of them together. That was a betrayal to because to think I had to be the one to help them figure out their parent's situation, I mean nothing I could have done.
When I found out he was in the bathroom, and on that night he just kept getting so many messages and calls, I now call myself TA for looking through his phone. Surprisingly the calls and messages were from his bm, but they were very explicit, it was like they were a married couple.
There was no point in having the wedding after this? It wasn't good for my mental health as well, I know in my head that this wasn't for me to just sit around and keep quiet. Him being in the shower gave me enough time to leave and go to my mom, I was to the point of hyperventilating myself to death
It’s so bad I’m not in the mental state to talk to anyone, my friends are worried but I don’t even want to talk to them. Since last night I’ve been getting text from my fiancé, and his daughter asking where I am. I have to go back and get my things with my brother but he wants me to calm down first. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
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NTA for not marrying him, but personally I would have printed off screen shots and left them for him to find. Either way he'll figure it out.
Maybe OP should go back when he's at work or something to get her stuff and leave the screenshots on the table, IF she could still get access to them!
NTA. I feel sorry for you and his little girl. He and his Ex are both AH.
I don’t understand coparents like this. If you can’t stand each other then why continue sleeping together? Even if they are single that just makes no sense to me.
NTA-what you did was self preservation-you needed to protect yourself. It’s normal to feel regret for the daughter. But you should never marry this man. If he betrays you before marriage, it will only escalate. Take care of yourself OP.
Why would you be the AH for leaving a cheater?
Top_Guide223 OP:
I guess I ask for closure!
He was secretive about the relationship with his ex. You can be secretive about leaving and let him figure it out. Neither of them are your problem any more.
4 days later OP came back with this update:
Hi again, sorry I have not updated since my last post. I’m still going through a rough time and I was trying to get myself situated out of this mess, two days ago i got my things and yes my ex fiancé knows about his cheating. Of course he tried to gaslight me into thinking he didn’t but I wasn’t going for that, thanks to everyone who shared their advice.
The one you guys want to hear about the most is my ex daughter, when I had my stuff packed she did cry telling me she didn’t want me to leave and is it her fault. I let her know it wasn’t because of her, I’m not allowed to contact her or see which was said by her mother and father so I can’t force their rules.
My ex deleted my number off their daughters device and so I have no more contact, that’s their child so they make the rules and I just have to respect their wishes. I am still canceling everything for the wedding, the people that were invited had to be let down to know it wasn’t happening anymore.
My family was upset because they helped put money into it so I understand, I don’t know how his family feels about though. I don’t what to do with my life but I will find something, I guess this was a lesson to never date anyone with kids because stuff like this happens which is scary, always been scared to have kids with someone who has them already because of this.
Don’t get mad at me for my choice of dating people with no kids. Not all cheat but i will date someone like me, with no commitment to someone else.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
See if your parents are willing to turn the wedding into a family party. They don't feel like they've wasted money and you still get to celebrate with your loved ones for getting out of a toxic relationship
Just make sure to uninvite all of his family & guests.
Or not. 😜
I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. You can sense the numbness in this post and it makes me so sad for you. Life, however, does get better with time so give yourself that<3
Also, to your last sentence, even childless people can cheat. Kids don’t equate to cheating, that’s something someone with shitty morals does regardless. At the end of the day though, I hope one day you find someone who appreciates you <3
Top_Guide223 OP
I know, the last part wasn’t the blame on the child but that when two people already have kids but are separated, they still have love for each other so that’s what I meant. I want someone without kids so sorry that I feel this way, two people who have kids are committed for life.
And don’t avoid people with kids, bad apples come with or without kids. The kid had nothing to do with the cheating, it was the guy and his ex.