'AITA for leaving my husband once our child is old enough to understand?'
"AITA for leaving my husband once our child is old enough to understand?"
I (30sF) have been married to my husband (30sM) for 13 years. We have a 3-year-old daughter who adores him. In 2023–2024, I discovered my husband’s infidelity. It started with hidden apps and saved photos of other women. When I confronted him, he claimed it was nothing, but my intuition told me there was more.
I went through his old social media and uncovered evidence of a woman he was involved with before we got married. This wasn’t just casual —it was an ongoing friends-with-benefits/emotional relationship that overlapped with our engagement and wedding.
The day before our wedding in The Philippines, he was still venting his feelings to her, and she believed his feelings were reciprocated. I was completely unaware of this for 12 years.
A few days after our wedding I read something on his phone about a text that says “Can we be less awkward”….sent by my husband to Bee (not her real name) (who is his blockmate and lab partner)
A month after our wedding, he went back to Canada and I stayed home, my mother was very sick back home, and I was her primary caregiver. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. During that period, my husband and this woman were attending concerts and spending time together.
When I confronted him about everything, he looked shocked and apologized. I told him that while he says he’s sorry, it feels like he’s sorry he got caught, not sorry he did it.
We started couples therapy. I finally had space to express how betrayed and used I felt, especially since I supported him when he had nothing and helped him build the life he has now. He has been trying to show remorse and improve his behavior since then.
Here’s where I might be the ahole: Despite his efforts, I don’t know if I can ever fully trust him again. I find myself imagining a life without him. I’m still in the marriage because of our daughter. I grew up in a broken family and don’t want her to experience that, but I also don’t want to model a resentful or emotionally damaged marriage.
I also found out Bee’s moms facebook and wanted to tell her she failed raising a morally correct daughter. Most of the time I want to be at peace but when rage takes over, I want to ruin Bee’s life, the way Arthur (my husband) ruined mine...
I’m considering staying for now but leaving once my daughter is older and can better understand what’s happening. I haven’t told him this plan, and part of me feels guilty for even thinking this way. So, AITA for considering leaving later instead of deciding right now?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
AmbitiousReveal4806 said:
Get out now. Your child feels EVERY negative feeling you feel and it's better for her.
Zestyclose-Beat5596 said:
YTA leave now. "Staying for the kids" is never good for the kids. It's good for this idealized dream of childhood you have in your head, not good for your actual real daughter. Leave now.
gremlinofspite said:
YTA to yourself and your daughter if you stay. Op I am a person who's parents divorced when I was three. I don't remember my mom and dad together. I think its actually better to divorce now.
Even as a kid, seeing the difference in my parents goals told me they would have been miserable if they stayed together. Kids pick up on a lot more than people give them credit for.
Growing up in a "broken home" is better than growing up in an extremely unhappy one. Please get your things in order, get an attorney, and start on the path for a new life for you and your daughter.
Lithogiraffe said:
YTA. Why do you want Your daughter to be old enough to understand what's happening? That seems worse. Kids who are raised by divorced parents, don't remember when it was otherwise If they're young enough. You talk about how unhappy you were with your divorced parents, did that happen when you were older when you could fully understand their issues, or when you were much younger?
Chaoticgood790 said:
YTA you leave now instead of giving your kid a f' up view of relationships. Staying for the kids just makes you an AH.
henchwench89 said:
NTA, but leave now. Staying a marriage your unhappy in wont do your daughter any good. If anything it could damage her. Think about it she will either pick up on the tension in the household or be completely shocked her parents “happy” marriage is over.
chironinja82 said:
YTA for using "staying together for the kids" as an excuse. Kids are resilient and you're making it worse by staying with someone you don't have a healthy relationship with. It's that what you want to model for your daughter? You said so yourself that you don't want to. Just make your exit plan now for ASAP. Don't delay the inevitable.