'WIBTA for leaving my husband after he refused to help with our child?'
"WIBTA for leaving my husband after he refused to help with our child?"
My (29f) husband (30m) and I have been together for 10 years and currently share 1 child (3f). When our daughter was born I was working full-time in an office setting but then went on a leave after developing severe PPD.
We realized that we didn’t need my full income so I stepped down to part-time so we didn’t have to use daycare and to hopefully relieve some stress to ease my depression.
I worked part-time from the time she was 6 months old until January. During this time I was responsible for the household and our daughter. My husband’s only real responsibility was cooking dinner and the occasional breakfast.
I cleaned, I grocery shopped and meal planned, I remembered all the appointments and events, I also did all of the child rearing with the exception of the two days I worked in office (I had one day from home but my daughter was at home with me).
I became more overwhelmed than I was before. I asked for help constantly and my husband would follow through for about two weeks before telling me that he was too tired from working full time (~40 hrs). I told him I wanted to go back to work full time and split the workload. He said no.
I found a job anyway. One where I’d be able to put my daughter in a reputable daycare for my remote days and still be bringing in more monthly than my part time job. (It’s important to note that we are also renovating our entire home due to hurricane damage and we didn’t have insurance so extra income is needed.)
I told my husband about the job after accepting the position. He was furious. He told me not to expect any help outside of what he does now (cooking). He has remained steadfast in his decision to not help.
I recently asked again if he could at least help by brushing her teeth in the morning. He said no. I said we are supposed to be a team and I would really appreciate his help. He snapped that this is what I wanted, I did this to myself and he would not be helping beyond his fair share. I said fine I’ll figure it out myself.
I’ve since been contemplating divorce. If the only responsibility I need to pick up is cooking then what help do I need from him? WIBTA for deciding that if he won’t help, I won’t stay.
Here is what people had to say about OP’s post:
Hand him 2 cards, Marriage Counselor and Divorce Attorney. Tell him to pick, and then make your decision.
I have begged for counseling but he refuses.
YTA. Unlike most here, I’m married. You didn’t work out a compromise with your husband. He said no, so you did your plan anyway. You FAFO. Now your daughter has to go through a divorce because you wouldn’t compromise.
I appreciate your feedback but it sounds like you only think I’m the ah because I went back to work against my husband’s wishes. That wasn’t really what I was asking. I also never said we made compromise, which was deliberate.
I knew going back to work would be hard and I was prepared to not have much help. All I asked him to do was brush her teeth in the morning. Am I the a&*^ole for asking for help and then leaving when he said no?
I can empathize with the frustration. OP, think of it this way, do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? He’s showing you he will not be your partner. He is choosing to be your adversary or maybe your boss. Thats not what a relationship is.
You’re not choosing between having a relationship vs. not having one.
You’re choosing between not having a relationship and living with someone who has legit contempt for you, vs. not having a relationship and living on your own terms. And with split custody, you’ll have some days each week when your home is your purely own.
He’s proving to you that he isn’t going tonight change for you. He does not care that you’re struggling. The only way this isn’t the rest of your life is if YOU change the situation.
You can’t make him do anything different, you can only choose to remove yourself from the dynamic. Don’t let your kiddo grow up with toxicity and contempt as the example for how relationships work. Be the example of standing up for yourself.
This was beyond helpful; it was eye opening. Really put the decision into perspective.
NTA. Marriage and parenting are supposed to be a team effort, not one person doing 95% while the other cooks dinner. You deserve real support, not resentment for asking.
NTA. If you divorce, you will split custody and then you’ll have nights where you have only yourself to worry about. No one wants to be away from their kid but this would also ensure he does his part to. You cant keep going 100 miles per hour without crashing, it’s time to put yourself and the baby first.
NTA. He needs to do his fair share of parenting. With how little he is helping, what is the difference of what you’re doing right now & what you would be doing if you were separated/divorced.
Ditch the deadwood, you can do this on your own. And as a bonus, you wouldn’t need to do his washing either. Win win.
I’d ask him to clarify exactly what qualifies as his “fair share” versus what is yours and see how it looks when he spells it out. Just to see what he says. And then I’d remind him that parenting and partnership is about doing the right thing, not what is fair.
NTA. But divorce takes time. In the meantime you need to accept that he will do nothing but cook. So you need to stop doing a lot of the things you are doing to make his life easier.
Clean your side of the bedroom. Vacuum your side. Not his. Clean the sink or shower before you use them, not after. So that they haven’t been cleaned before he uses them. If you have more than one bathroom just use the other one and leave him with his own dirty bathroom. Do your laundry and your child’s laundry. Don’t do his.