Wife questions if leaving husband over unknown child makes her selfish or justified. AITA?
"AITA for leaving my marriage after finding out my husband has a child?"
My husband (29m) didn't know he had a daughter (8) until a few months ago. We have been married for just over two years and something we both were on the same page about from day one was neither one of us was interested in stepparenting or dating/marrying someone with kids.
So when I (28f) found out he had a child already, and we had it confirmed, I knew this would no longer work for me. He saw it coming too and he tried to convince me to stay, and he tried to make it seem like it should be okay even though he wouldn't stay in a role reversal (and he admitted it).
We have argued over it because he wants us to stay married, raise his daughter and have the kids we planned on having. He thinks I should be able to handle being a stepmom now.
He even said we don't have to deal with any ex drama. But he has a grieving and angry child who lost her mom two years ago, lived with her aunt and then was shipped off by the aunt to a father she never knew.
It's a lot and she has been through so much and is actively going through so much. She's grieving and angry and she doesn't want to be with him or to lose everyone she knew by being sent states away from the only home she knew. There is so much help and support she needs. And I'm not the person to give it to her.
My husband's family are disappointed and have wanted to talk about it but I told them there's no changing my mind. I already moved out of the house we lived in because it wasn't fair to drag it out.
We've been living apart for months and I already filed but he wants me to change my mind and he wants me to consider therapy to try and work through this. He said I shouldn't throw our life away together over him having a child he didn't know about.
There have been more attempts in the last month from him and his family to get me to call off the divorce and his mom told me they (the family) love me and would hate to lose me from the family. And that I'm stronger than I realize.
The whole thing boils down to though, that even though I do love my husband, I am not happy he has a child with someone else. She's dead, yes. There's no competition or anything there.
But I'm not happy that there is a child to begin with and I don't believe I would ever feel she's my own. I always knew raising someone else's kids wasn't something I would be willing for.
I know this is selfish on my part and I am fine with that. But does this make me a horrible person or an AH in the case of what's going on? That's what I'm here to find out. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. He has admitted he would leave you if the shoe was on the other foot. He can’t have one set of rules for him and another for you. This smacks deeply of ‘I can’t be bothered to raise her myself so I’d like you to stay so I can lumber you with the responsibility instead, that’s what women are for right!?’
You are right, he and his family need to stop focusing their efforts on you and start focusing on that poor little girl.
Aromatic_Engine_608 (OP)
They do. At the very least one of them needs to because I don't imagine she's getting the attention it was clear she needed if everyone's worried about trying to save this marriage that just can't be saved.
NTA. If you truly feel you will not be able to love the child and bond with her, then you are doing what is best for her by leaving. Your soon to be ex is in for a rude reality check if he thinks another woman can seamlessly slide into the place of the child's mother just because her mother is deceased.
She had 6 years to form a bond, and she is grieving that loss. I'm afraid he is not going into this with realistic expectations. You seem to have a much better grasp of what the child has been through and how much attention and support she will need. Tell him and his family to stop worrying about you and start focusing on him and the poor child whose world has been turned upside down again.
Aromatic_Engine_608 (OP)
I had to tell him that twice already. I pointed out his energy being spent focusing on making me stay would be better used to help his daughter who has been through an awful lot. But he's desperately trying to stop the divorce before it happens. And I don't think I'll get it through to him that his daughter needs him.
NTA hes even admitted if the shoe was on the other foot he would be gone. Neither of you wanted to be a step parent right from the get go, he can't change the rules mid game. Continue with the divorce and move on.
The fact he wouldn’t do it if it was reversed, is enough to not give a fuck and make you NTA. The entitlement there is just a turn off.b Also it’s not selfish. It’s a boundary you both agreed up and you’re setting and keeping that boundary. Kudos for having the emotional strength to do it. Update me!
NAH. This situation involves complex emotions and unexpected changes. While it’s understandably painful for your husband and his family, you’re not obligated to stay in a marriage that now includes responsibilities and dynamics you were clear about not wanting.
It’s important for both parties to acknowledge that fundamental needs and boundaries have shifted. Your decision to leave, based on preserving your own happiness and life plans, is valid, even though it’s a difficult one.