'AITA for leaving my mom’s house after she went through my stuff without my permission?'

"AITA for leaving my mom’s house after she went through my stuff without my permission?"

I (18m) went to the store to pick up laundry detergent, and returned home to see things in my room weren’t where they were, including my locked safe that only I had access to being open. I came out of my room and my mom was holding my dab pen (legal for my age in my state) and a fake ID I had while I was in college, and was furious.

She was yelling at me and cornering me in my room, so when she went outside to smoke, I packed my bag with a few sets of clothes, and left. I am now living with my dad halfway across the state. Now, things get complicated…

When I was 16, my mom set up a custodial account under my name that I could use for my direct deposit for my job. If you’re not familiar with a custodial account, it’s a bank account that both you and your parents have access to. It’s like a joint account, however, the adult is not legally allowed to mess with the funds in the account.

When I left, my mom transferred all of my money out of the account. I called her out on this, and she responded bluntly saying things like “I only did it to get you to pull your head out of your a$$” and “if you had any sense you’d know my intentions with your money.”

I have not seen the money since, she has brought the account into overdraft, and refuses to put the money back unless I come back to her house to get a check. I refuse to pick up a check and requested the money be put back into the account so I could transfer it out myself and close the account. She refuses. AITA for leaving?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

HotSatin wrote:

NTA. Call the bank. Or go down there. Tell them the money was fraudulently withdrawn. Consider telling your mom that you're going to file a complaint. Tell her she can put the money back while you're filing it to make the complaint go away. Stand your ground. But live your life right, too. You parents will be there when you need them.

But they no longer have the ability to demand your obedience. That being said: You didn't exactly "move out", you just bounced to the other parent. Burning the bridge may have some undesirable side-effects going forward. You may need that bridge to be rebuilt at some point. Hopefully you've worked it out with her by then.

The odds of the bank actually being able to do anything regarding the fraudulently transferred funds are very small. Mostly because you're young and they'll do everything they can to dissuade you from filing a complaint. Most notably, they will IMPLY but never say you can't file a complaint. "Nothing we can do" is not the same as "you can't file a complaint."

And of course, you can file a complaint against the bank, too. Googling how to do that while in the presence of the person patronizing you at the bank might be a way to convince them to let you file the complaint. LOL Alternately, you could send DAD to pick up the check! Tell her you're coming. Send Dad. But try to get the discussion in writing (for the complaint, of course).

OP responded:

My mom has my dad trespassed from her property, so he can’t legally show up there. I’ve thought about getting a p#lice escort to the property under the circumstances of me feeling unsafe to do so alone. I’ve been in contact with the bank, but since the account is under her name as well, they claim they “can’t do anything.” But filing a complaint is a great idea, thank you.

HotSatin responded:

Tell her you'll pick it up NEAR the house (wherever dad isn't trespassed, of course). And send dad. Don't go back. Ghost mom until she apologized for blackmail/theft. Not cool.

She'll be your mom forever, but she needs to understand your ADULT boundaries and her total lack of control from this point forward for that to be a useful relationship. Parents are for advice after you come of age. Being kind to those who give advice doesn't apply to those who drain your bank account!

MarionBerryPlus8484 wrote:

If the mom had access as it was a custodial account it probably wasn’t fraud. Laws about bank accounts vary by location, hopefully OP is old enough to open a new account on your own. she should use a different bank. But NTA. Mom is a thief who uses extortion to get her way.

OP responded:

Yeah I just opened my own account that no one else has access to.

TrueTeacher6350 wrote:

Not legally allowed to mess with the money but has access to do so? Sorry just trying to understand how the account works. NTA your mum crossed your boundaries by going through your stuff and you have a right to move in with your dad. You earned the money and are entitled to it, her withholding it from you is a toxic manipulation tactic. What does you dad have to say about this?

OP responded:

Yeah so the point of the account is so the parents can access it and supervise it. The only time the parent is allowed to mess with the money is to either transfer funds into the account or take funds out only for the account holders direct benefit.

My dad took me in, as him and my mom have had a very hate-driven relationship. She has kept me and my younger brother from him on multiple occasions. He’s extremely pissed off at her, and happy I’m finally able to move back in with him.

midnight_thoughts_13 wrote:

This seems state specific or country specific because many custodial accounts do not mean tge parent has no legal access to the money.

OP responded:

Probably state specific, but according to my state law what she did is illegal even with a custodial account.

lunazane26 wrote:

NTA. If "the adult" is not legally allowed to touch the money then you need to go down to the bank, tell them what happened, and demand they give you your money back. This is fraud and/or theft.

Your mother is ab#$ive and manipulative. The fact that you think you might be an AH for leaving a place where you are being abused is very concerning, please try to talk to a professional at some point if you can because I think this is an indication of a much deeper issue.

OP responded:

My mom has always been manipulative. There’s a lot of family things that happened between her, my dad, and me and my brother, including promises that one day we’d get a choice of who we wanted to live with. When we brought that up again when I was 16, she had my dad trespassed from her property and blocked his number on mine and my brother’s phones without us knowing.

still-a-kickin-1950 wrote:

Do you have the paystubs for when your deposits were made showing how much you had in the bank. That would be good for proof that you did have money in your bank account that she took. Good luck to you.

OP responded:

Not the paystubs, but I have the copies of where she transferred the money, including the account numbers that it was transferred to. I also have text receipts where I have asked her to put it back so I can deal with it myself, and she has refused. It’s considered embezzlement.

rocketryguy wrote:

NTA, glad you’re seeing her for who she is. So sorry that you got short changed, in both senses, in the mom department. She isn’t going to change most likely, so you may have to go no contact for your own mental health.

It’s your life in the end, so while burning bridges is usually a bad idea, particularly at your age, if in a few years you feel like that’s the right thing, it’s a choice you can make then. In the meantime of course I would not go back no matter what, unless you bring c#ps with you.

OP responded:

Yeah I have no plans to contact her. She’s always done things like this throughout mine and my brother’s life, including keeping us from seeing our father unless it suited her.