'AITA for leaving my best friend’s 'surprise party' for me because it felt more like a roast?' UPDATED

"AITA for leaving my best friend’s “surprise party” early because it felt more like a roast?"

Okay, so I (24F) have this best friend, let’s call her Jenna (24F too), and we’ve been close since high school. Like, “held-my-hair-while-I-threw-up-in-the-Denny’s-bathroom” type of friends. I honestly love her, I really do. But she can be...a lot.

So anyway, she threw this little “surprise party” for me last weekend. My birthday was last Tuesday, but she insisted on celebrating Friday. She told me to dress cute, and she made it sound like it was gonna be this wholesome wine-and-charcuterie night with the girls. Sounds great, right?

Well, I show up in this cute white dress I literally bought for the occasion, hair curled, nails done, all that. I walk in and they yell surprise, but not in a “we love you” way. It was a theme party. The theme? “Dress like the birthday girl and roast her.” I kid you not. EVERYONE was wearing versions of my go-to outfits. Messy bun, iced coffee cups, fake nails, bad parking tickets taped to their bags (okay that one kinda got me).

But then they started doing fake "toasts" that were just jabs. Like:

“Here’s to [my name], who always has a 10-step skincare routine but still wakes up looking tired.”

“To [my name], who thinks astrology is a personality trait.”

“To [my name], who ghosted her gym membership but never forgets to DoorDash McFlurries at 2AM.”

Like??? Some of it was funny, I’ll admit, but after 20 minutes it just got mean. I kept smiling through it like “haha good one” but deep down I was like...damn. This wasn’t a roast with love. It was just people clowning on me for sport.

So after pretending to go to the bathroom, I grabbed my keys, quietly told Jenna “I think I’m done for the night,” and left. I didn’t cause a scene. I didn’t cry. I just left. I texted her later that I appreciated the effort, but it felt more like I was the butt of the joke, not the guest of honor.

Now Jenna’s mad and saying I embarrassed her, and that “it was just jokes,” and I’m being “too sensitive.” A few of the others messaged me saying they thought I overreacted and that it was “all in fun.” But like... isn’t a birthday supposed to feel good? Not like a Comedy Central special?

So tell me, AITAH for walking out of my own roast disguised as a birthday party?

Also for the record, I’m now officially Team “Next Year I’m Celebrating With Pizza And My Cat.”

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Fairmount1955 wrote:

NTA. Ironic she wants to claim anything about being embarrassed. That none of your "friends" care the humor got stale and are continuing to pile on rather than reflect, well, are they even friends or do they even like you?

OP responded:

Right?? That’s what’s been messing with my head the most. Like… if this is their idea of “fun” or “love,” I’d honestly hate to see what their version of shade looks like. I kept thinking maybe I was being too sensitive, but the fact that not one person said “hey maybe this is going too far” kinda says it all.

It felt like I walked into a group chat where they’ve been secretly roasting me for months and accidentally read the whole thing out loud. Still debating if I should fade out or hit them with a group message titled “Roast This” and attach a pic of me on a solo spa weekend.

Fairmount1955 wrote:

I think your group chat comment is a great way to describe it. Having been a younger woman, I think many of us can learn misperceptions about what is funny and how "roasting" plays into relationships - or rather how it makes them unhealthy.

"I guess we don't share the same sense of humor, which is okay. What isn't okay is that I said I wasn't enjoying it and instead of realizing it or accepting that, you just keep invalidating what I am saying. It's disappointing." And then your idea of ghosting may be best. The more you fight or try to explain, they will likely weaponize it and say you are so dramatic, so why give them more ammunition?

Why allow yourself to be dismissed more than they have? I promise you, one of the most powerful things you can do - even though it may not seem like it - is to just stay quiet. It freaks people out and they don't know how to handle it.

Squishmallowgirl wrote:

Oh my god that’s SO cruel. NTA. What an insane idea and I can’t believe she actually got people to join in on this. Like nobody said “ehhh maybe this isn’t a great idea.” Ugh I’m so sorry. I hope you were able to enjoy the rest of your birthday with your cat after you left :( And the whole “you’re being too sensitive” being used as a defense to their own hurtful actions almost makes the whole thing worse.

I know you said you guys are lifetime friends, but I think that, if I were in your shoes, this would probably make me think about taking a step or two back from the friendship. She didn’t think about what you would want for your birthday. She thought about what SHE wanted to do.

AndrianneWonthebun wrote:

NTA at all. There’s a big difference between playful teasing and an ambush roast dressed up as a “surprise party,” especially when you weren’t in on the joke or asked if you were cool with that kind of humor. It’s your birthday. You were expecting love and charcuterie, not group humiliation with themed outfits.

Honestly, planning a party where everyone mimics your style and makes you the punchline without your consent? That’s not cute, that’s mean-girl behavior with a Pinterest board. If Jenna wanted to do a roast, she could’ve at least checked if that’s your vibe. You smiled through it, stayed composed, and left respectfully, which is more grace than most people would’ve managed.

The “you’re too sensitive” line is just emotional gaslighting in a party hat. You set a boundary. That doesn’t make you dramatic, it exhibits self-respect. So no, you’re NTA You’re just someone who expected a celebration and got a roast beef sandwich without asking for the beef. Next year, pizza and your cat sounds perfect.

A day later, OP shared an update.

Hey everyone! Wow, I did not expect this much love and support. I’ve been reading through your comments (like, obsessively tbh), and I can’t even tell you how comforting it’s been. I thought I was crazy or being “too sensitive” like Jenna said, but apparently I was just reacting like a normal human with, y’know, feelings. So THANK YOU.

So here’s what happened since I posted:

Jenna texted me. Not to apologize… but to send me a meme that said “roasting is a love language” with a laughing emoji. I left her on read because...girl. Seriously?

Later that night, one of the girls from the party (we’ll call her Becca) DM’d me and said she thought I knew about the roast. She said Jenna told everyone I was totally down for it and even “helped plan it.” I was like, WHAT?! The only thing I “planned” was the white dress I wore while being emotionally shanked by six girls in fake Uggs.

Anyway, I gently explained to Becca that nope, I was blindsided. And she immediately apologized and said she felt really bad. She even said if she’d known, she never would’ve gone along with it. So that honestly made me feel a bit better, at least one of them has a soul.

As for Jenna? Radio silence since the meme. No apology, no “hey I messed up,” nothing. So I’ve decided I’m not gonna chase people to value me. My new plan? I took a personal day, got myself a mini spa package, ate overpriced macarons, and spent my night with my cat binge-watching "The Bear" while wearing a gold face mask like I was healing from battle (because emotionally, I kinda was).

I’ve realized this whole thing was actually a weird gift.

I got roasted, yes. But I also got clarity.

I thought I had a solid group of friends, turns out I had a front row seat to my own roast hosted by people who think “mean but make it Pinterest” is a cute party idea. So yeah. Next year, it’s just me, my cat, a pizza the size of a steering wheel, and zero surprises. And you know what? That honestly sounds perfect. Thanks again for validating my gut feeling. Y’all really helped me feel seen.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

Many_Bothans wrote:

I mean if Jenna lied to all your other friends and told them you were part of it, it doesn’t make them bad friends. If my friend’s partner told me they were planning a surprise party for my friend “she loves surprises” and then when we yell SURPRISE! she says she hates surprise parties.

I’d feel terrible — but I wouldn’t be a terrible friend because I was showing up for my friend in the way i thought they wanted.

You may want to clear the air with the other girls beyond Becca, it seems like they were misled and may still be in the dark about it.

Nonameswhere wrote:

For whatever reason Jenna does not like you one bit but just can't bring herself to come out and say it hence the passive aggressive nonsense.

paparoach910 wrote:

Good for you! I hope you're leaving them in the rear view mirror.

lucwin2020 wrote:

Becca sounds like someone to keep around but the rest can kick rocks with their busted, crusty ass bare feet!