'AITA for leaving my business to my protégé instead of my children?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for leaving my business to my protégé instead of my children?"

I (58M) have two kids, John (32M) and Susan (29F), and I started a business back in my late twenties after they were born. I have been growing it for the better part of three decades, however, my wife and I agreed that we have more than enough for me to retire and so I am.

Some backstory: Back when John was in high school I gave him a job at my business, and soon after he started he asked if I could give his friend Sam (32M, now, 17 when he started) a job as well. John was not interested in the work and quit after 4 months, and I will whole heartedly admit that that was very painful at the time, but Sam loved the job.

He continued to work throughout college where he went into the same field as me, and I gave him a promotion when he completed his studies. Sam is very much my protégé and I see him as my second son. John studied finance and, after working at some other places, asked me if I could give him a job. I did and he's extremely good at what he does. I love the fact that I get to work with the both of them.

I took my wife, John, Susan and Sam out to dinner last week to tell them my plan for retirement. Sam will take my place and own 60% while John and Susan would each get 20%. I have never seen John so furious. He asked how I could choose Sam over him, my own flesh and blood. He also said he's the one who studied running businesses and that he should be the one in charge.

I told him that he has only worked for me for a few years and already quit once, whereas Sam has been working for me for 15 years, knows all the clients, the products and the production team, and has their respect. He then I asked if he had my respect and I told him of course, he's the best at what he does, but that doesn't mean he's the best fit for being the boss.

My wife and Susan tried deescalating the situation but John left in huff and hasn't been talking to anyone but Susan since. I know John's hurt, but Sam is the better choice since he's been working directly under me for years and knows the ins and outs better than anyone but me. I've tried talking to John and apologizing, but he won't let me. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

SuzieQbert said:

NTA, but you lack emotional intelligence. It would be obvious to most people that this should be a conversation to have over a long period of time, individually with each of the three concerned parties. Announcing the completed decision was bound to set off some unpredictable feelings.

Best solution as I see it would have been to sell the business, at a below market value, to the three of them in exactly the proportions you suggested. But only after individually explaining your plan to each of them & getting their feedback (starting with Susan because she's the one most removed from the business, but most likely to be able to predict her brother's reaction), and tweaking the plan based on their input.

But now, you've created a rift between them and it will be incredibly difficult for them to operate as partners. You'll have to talk to them again, and find a way to show John that he's not second fiddle to your "second son"

HolyGonzo said:

The very fact that John believes that the blood relationship should factor into the management of the business is proof that he is not the right person to own it. NTA

MissSuzieSunshine said:

You can leave your business to whoever you want, as its your business. However, IMHO YTA.

Firstly: When John was working for you originally he was in High School. At that age many kids buck against what their parents do or want - its totally normal. So Im not surprised he left. BUT he came back. He studied something that would add value to the business and he came back and worked for you.

Secondly: You are giving Susan -- who did absolutely nothing for the business, equal share to John who has been working for you and contributing to the business. How is that fair?

Lastly: Sam may have worked for you all these years and may know all the ins and outs of the business, however at no point did you ever have a conversation with John (and Susan ) about leaving the business to Sam, so it would be a natural conclusion that you would be leaving this business that you have built up, to your own children.

Is there any way you can leave the ownership of the business to John and Susan equally BUT with a clause that Sam is to run it or be in charge of it for however long he wants? Something like that?

If you had done this to me, I wouldn't be hurt, Id be quitting the business and opening up a rival business and putting yours in the ground. Nor would I be speaking to you again. Not because you didnt leave the business to me, but because you announced this without even a discussion with me -- blindsiding me. As far as you and John are concerned, Im pretty certain a mere apology isnt going to cut it.

YMMV-But said:

YTA for the way you announced this news. You should have respected the people involved, particularly your son, enough to tell them each privately. I can’t imagine how you created a successful business when you have this little insight into how people think & how they would react to this kind of news.

Instead you created a public scene that no doubt embarrassed Sam as well as your family & will ultimately make it harder for Sam to keep running the company successfully.

In response to the comments, OP shared this series of edits:

Edit 1: Some people keep asking why I gave Susan the same amount and what her relation to the business is. She's worked off and on as a contractor and, especially since she has kids of her own, I wanted to give her some financial stability.

It's the same with John, as he's never expressed any interest in running the place and came back to work for me because he got laid off and had a hard time finding another job, I wanted to ensure some financial stability for him while making sure Sam was the one in charge.

Edit 2: First a point of clarity: nothing has actually been signed yet and I'm still in charge. Susan came to the house and we just had a long discussion. She's been talking with John and she told me he feels like this is me telling John that Sam is my real son. I asked her if she felt the same way.

She doesn't but she sees how it looks to John. I then asked her what she thinks I should do, and she told me I should lower her share and give it to John. She said he would rather give him the money then watch him disappear from the family.

I also asked if she knew whether he actually wanted and/or expected to run the business. And as far as she knew he didn't and was surprised at how poorly he reacted. Before she left I asked her to try and get him to have a conversation about this and she told me, "sure, but don't count on it being soon."

Edit 3: I am sick of all the comments saying I don't care about my kids. My wife doesn't see it that way. My daughter doesn't see it that way. Yes, I wasn't always present in their lives and, yes, my business did take priority at times, but I did my absolute damnedest to be there as much as I possibly could.

I made time for graduations, sports events, and other big milestones and events as best I could and I was there for most of them. I may not have been present at all times, but I did my best to try to be.

Also, Sam is not a "complete stranger"

He then shared this first update:

Susan called this morning and told me John is willing to talk this out today at lunch. Just me and him. I'm going to make a list of talking points based on common things I've read here. To everyone saying I should have talked to lawyers/accountants, I agree in hindsight that that would've been best, but I wanted the three of them to know first that I was retiring and my plans as I saw them.

Then he followed up with this "big update":

I talked with John for about 2 hours over lunch and things went good... I think. I started out by apologizing to him for springing it on him without warning and that he is my son and he has a say in this. And the first thing I asked him was if he wanted/expected to run the business

He said no to both, he recognizes that Sam is better prepared and he prefers the work he already does. However, he feels that this is me officially saying that Sam is my real son and all he is is a number cruncher. When he quit originally it was because he saw me taking Sam under my wing and was jealous. And his lack of interest in the business made him feel guilty for not being the son I wanted.

He said he knows I care about and love him but it's felt like he's taken a back seat to Sam for the past 15 years. I asked him what I could do to make it up to him and he said he didn't know, and can't moved past this for now. I asked if he thinks he ever could. He doesn't know. Then he asked me whether I held him quitting against him, since he always felt like I did.

After reading so many comments here saying I am, I wasn't sure, and that's when I showed him this post and told him I might have but I don't know. I was hurt and put effort into Sam because I wanted to connect with someone about the business, and that maybe, subconsciously, I did hold it against and that I was sorry for how I treated him regardless.

He asked me for some time off and I told him that his job here is always guaranteed and take as much time as he needed. Before we left I told him that I'll give him space but he needs to know that I'm there for him if he needed.

What do you think?