'AITA for leaving my ex-wife and son behind even though I was never part of my son's life to begin with?'
"AITA for leaving my ex-wife and son behind even though I was never part of my son's life to begin with?"
I (38M) have been married to my now ex wife (37F) for 10 years. We met in high school and after a bit of world exploring we decided to start dating more seriously. From the very beginning both her and I were very much against having children. Me because I simply do not want to and her because she needs to take birth control for her health issues + the fact that she said she didn't like kids either.
When we were 24 and 23 we got married. It was wonderful, amazing, everything we hoped for. We rented a studio and because my job started to pay very, very well, we slowly upgraded to a house.
At first we both used to roll our eyes at kids, saying "no thanks" to anyone who asked and joked that if we grow old and alone with nobody to care for us, we're gonna cause chaos in a nursing home.
6 years into our marriage she started saying things like "wow I forget how big this yard is, imagine a kid running around here" and "damn I hit my hip in that sharp counter edge again, imagine if a kid would be running around."
After making similar comments I sat her down and asked her wtf was she on about. She kinda broke down saying that spending time with her nephew (3 ish months old at the time) just "woke" something in her and she wanted to be a mom.
We had a huge fight and I explained that I did not and would not change my mind and told her it would be best if we just went our separate ways if she wanted kids and was unhappy.
She told me that she loved me more than anything and that it was a phase and that it would pass and maybe we should get a puppy someday for her to care for which is what we eventually did and she seemed happy again.
No more kids talk. About 2 years later she started up again. We fought AGAIN and have started to have arguments almost daily with her being more and more pushy about it.
After months of arguments and fights, sleeping on couches and feeling miserable I told her again that we should get a divorce since it's obvious we wanted different things. She calmly told me "I may have accidentally skipped a few pills, we'll see about that".
I got up and told her that if she was pregnant I am divorcing and I am not going to be any part of the kids life. I packed a bag and went to my parents. 2 days later she told sent me a pic of a positive pregnancy test captioned "you're going to be an amazing dad please trust me". I called my lawyer and filed for divorce and then moved out.
After a very messy period and after she eventually gave birth to a boy, I finally got settled in court for paying child support and just that, I had it written officially that I cannot be forced in any way to be part of the child's life with my ex's consent as she agreed to take on full custody yet I was constantly harassed by her and her family to visit or call and had to file for some temporary restraining orders.
Four-ish years later after seeing the baby just in a few pictures my mom sent me and once in real life after my ex wife "accidentally" took a walk with him exactly where I was working that day, my manager offered me a new position with a massive pay increase but it requires me to be on site roughly 8 hours away to supervise and train and I immediately accepted. I would be in the middle of nowhere for 6-8h a day.
Knowing my ex, I went to court with the promotion papers, new income for updated child support, new address (just for the judge) and had everything written down and signed by my ex as well just to be safe aka I officially informed her I'm moving away and will be paying more in child support.
She congratulated me and that was that. I move in about 2 weeks and last week I got served by my ex's lawyer stating that my moving away will cause emotional distress and, I quote, "a negative impact on the minor's mental and physical wellbeing" and that my presence in the same town as them was "vital" for him. I immediately called my lawyer and he said it's bullcrap but I might have to show up in court anyway.
Her family and now my family is calling me an A-hole because even though I was never part of my son's life, I was at least "nearby in case of anything" and moving away is going to cause issues.
I found out from my brother in law that my ex had mentioned that she was hoping I might change my mind. I disagree. Half my things are already in my new place, I signed the papers at work.
There is absolutely no change whatsoever in my son's life. He never met me in person yet both my and her family are all up my business. I'm still in therapy dealing with everything.
I kinda feel bad now because even though I am still not changing my mind about kids, that little dude is innocent. It's not his fault that his mom is delusional. Am I the AH tho? :(
EDIT: to clarify
My moving away changes literally NOTHING in their situation because I had no contact with the boy and all communication with my ex was done through lawyers and court.
My family (parents, sister + BIL and some other relatives) are active part of his life and she has both their and her family's full support, including vacations together, financial aid when needed, watching him etc. My contribution = zero (except money).
The only one who has refused to talk to them is my older brother and his wife who think that she's an a-hole and want nothing to do with them. I'm now waiting on my lawyer to see what TF happens next and I might have to postpone my move. Thankfully, I work remote for now (until October when I start being on site) and am still flexible on time.
Yes I had a DNA test done, yes he's mine. My parental rights are not fully terminated but she cannot force visitation or contact and I will pay child support until he's 18 in accordance to my income.
EDIT 2:
Some people can't read, apparently. Nobody is abandoning anyone considering I wasn't in his life at all.
My ex wife had the CHOICE to keep the baby or not, as well as the CHOICE to say "no" when the judge asked her if she wanted full custody and the CHOICE to say "no" when asked if she agreed to having no contact or visitation from me. But she gave me NO choice.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA but get a vasectomy so an “accidental” pregnancy doesn’t happen again with another partner.
NTA!
You need to get a vasectomy so another unwanted child can’t be created without your consent…
NTA. Frankly, considering your ex committed reproductive coercion, which is a form of non-consensual sex, she should be grateful you're not threatening her for emotional distress.
Living in the same area allowed them to cling to the fantasy that one day you'd come around. You moving away is forcing them to wake up to reality. They don't want to wake up, so they're blaming you for shattering their illusions.
That is not your problem. You have been clear from the beginning, cooperated fully with the courts and proactively volunteered information to the courts as soon as your circumstances changed (and you are right, that's the best way to protect yourself).
You have nothing to worry about. This is their problem. You keep doing what you're doing, and let your lawyer handle it. Perhaps consider a vasectomy to protect you further. Have you discussed with your lawyer whether it's appropriate to cut off direct contact with your ex and communicate solely through lawyers in future?