'AITA for leaving my ex-wife and son behind even though I was never part of my son's life to begin with?'
"AITA for leaving my ex-wife and son behind even though I was never part of my son's life to begin with?"
I (38M) have been married to my now ex wife (37F) for 10 years. We met in high school and after a bit of world exploring we decided to start dating more seriously. From the very beginning both her and I were very much against having children. Me because I simply do not want to and her because she needs to take birth control for her health issues + the fact that she said she didn't like kids either.
When we were 24 and 23 we got married. It was wonderful, amazing, everything we hoped for. We rented a studio and because my job started to pay very, very well, we slowly upgraded to a house.
At first we both used to roll our eyes at kids, saying "no thanks" to anyone who asked and joked that if we grow old and alone with nobody to care for us, we're gonna cause chaos in a nursing home.
6 years into our marriage she started saying things like "wow I forget how big this yard is, imagine a kid running around here" and "damn I hit my hip in that sharp counter edge again, imagine if a kid would be running around."
After making similar comments I sat her down and asked her wtf was she on about. She kinda broke down saying that spending time with her nephew (3 ish months old at the time) just "woke" something in her and she wanted to be a mom.
We had a huge fight and I explained that I did not and would not change my mind and told her it would be best if we just went our separate ways if she wanted kids and was unhappy.
She told me that she loved me more than anything and that it was a phase and that it would pass and maybe we should get a puppy someday for her to care for which is what we eventually did and she seemed happy again.
No more kids talk. About 2 years later she started up again. We fought AGAIN and have started to have arguments almost daily with her being more and more pushy about it.
After months of arguments and fights, sleeping on couches and feeling miserable I told her again that we should get a divorce since it's obvious we wanted different things. She calmly told me "I may have accidentally skipped a few pills, we'll see about that".
I got up and told her that if she was pregnant I am divorcing and I am not going to be any part of the kids life. I packed a bag and went to my parents. 2 days later she told sent me a pic of a positive pregnancy test captioned "you're going to be an amazing dad please trust me". I called my lawyer and filed for divorce and then moved out.
After a very messy period and after she eventually gave birth to a boy, I finally got settled in court for paying child support and just that, I had it written officially that I cannot be forced in any way to be part of the child's life with my ex's consent as she agreed to take on full custody yet I was constantly harassed by her and her family to visit or call and had to file for some temporary restraining orders.
Four-ish years later after seeing the baby just in a few pictures my mom sent me and once in real life after my ex wife "accidentally" took a walk with him exactly where I was working that day, my manager offered me a new position with a massive pay increase but it requires me to be on site roughly 8 hours away to supervise and train and I immediately accepted. I would be in the middle of nowhere for 6-8h a day.
Knowing my ex, I went to court with the promotion papers, new income for updated child support, new address (just for the judge) and had everything written down and signed by my ex as well just to be safe aka I officially informed her I'm moving away and will be paying more in child support.
She congratulated me and that was that. I move in about 2 weeks and last week I got served by my ex's lawyer stating that my moving away will cause emotional distress and, I quote, "a negative impact on the minor's mental and physical wellbeing" and that my presence in the same town as them was "vital" for him. I immediately called my lawyer and he said it's bullcrap but I might have to show up in court anyway.
Her family and now my family is calling me an A-hole because even though I was never part of my son's life, I was at least "nearby in case of anything" and moving away is going to cause issues.
I found out from my brother in law that my ex had mentioned that she was hoping I might change my mind. I disagree. Half my things are already in my new place, I signed the papers at work.
There is absolutely no change whatsoever in my son's life. He never met me in person yet both my and her family are all up my business. I'm still in therapy dealing with everything.
I kinda feel bad now because even though I am still not changing my mind about kids, that little dude is innocent. It's not his fault that his mom is delusional. Am I the AH tho? :(
Here's what people had to say in response to the OP’s post:
YTA. You are half responsible for that life whether you wanted him or not, because birth control was not just her responsibility, and you should've had a vasectomy. That would've prevented any chance of pregnancy. She is not innocent in this, but neither are you.
Rigger_One OP:
Can you read? She intentionally stopped taking pills without telling me and she agreed to full custody and the fact that the kid is 4 years old and I never saw him except from across the street for 10 seconds when he was like 1 year old.
Why is birth control all on her?
Rigger_One OP:
Why did she lie about taking pills when we agreed upon "no kids" before we got married? I told her multiple times to move on if she was unhappy.
You could have gotten a vasectomy and none of this would’ve happened. But you are blaming everyone else for something that is totally your own fault.
Rigger_One OP:
I am paying child support and my moving away will literally change nothing except I would be living someplace else. How is that a problem?
YTA. Regardless if you like it or not you are a father of this child. So act like one. I’m sorry you don’t like being a dad grow the F’’% up
Rigger_One OP:
You grow TF up I gave up any way to be part of his life 4 years ago and my ex never ONCE tried to take me to court for it and 4 years later it's suddenly an issue?
[deleted]
NTA, you always said you didn't want to be a father...question why didn't you have a vasectomy? You would not have been trapped….because I imagine the opposite situation where it is the man who wants one and not the woman, how would the known and unknown entourage react in this same situation?
Rigger_One OP:
I honestly have no clue. I trusted her, I guess. She told me upfront she has some health issues that cause a plethora of symptoms including debilitating migraines, very bad period cramps among other things, I witnessed first had how bad it got when she had to temporarily stop taking pills due to some insurance issues.
Never once did I imagine she'd do something like this.
[deleted]
Yes I imagine well, she was in denial thinking that you would come back because you were still there and now that you have confirmed your departure, she finds herself facing reality
Rigger_One OP:
I spoke to my therapist after getting the court papers because I was actively losing my shit and she stated exactly this. My ex might have held on to the idea that I might change my mind and now that I am moving away, that hope is gone. It sucks I know but it's ridiculous to have to deal with this after 4 years of us having talked just in court.
You've been very fair in telling court of your promotion d thus raising your child support payments.
It must be really odd being her lawyers, drafting letters of obvious bullshit on behalf of someone who is seemingly v delusional
Rigger_One OP:
My lawyer said she literally has no basis whatsoever because I was never part of his life and my moving away changes nothing for their situation but I might still have to go to court.
She wants you close because she thinks you’re going to change your mind. Good luck.
Rigger_One OP:
That's what my BIL said. Him and my sister visit often and they are an active part of their lives. My ex mentioned that it was nice knowing I was still in the same town because I might end up missing her and maybe change my mind.
NTA but get a vasectomy so an “accidental” pregnancy doesn’t happen again with another partner.
NTA....what your ex did was reproductive coercion/abuse and is classified as SA/rape in many jurisdictions, she's lucky you didn't push for more than just divorce, she's lucky you are paying CS when you had a case for terminating your parental rights.
It's your life, your choice - and time to get an aggressive lawyer to push at least for a permanent restraining order
Rigger_One OP:
I actually did have a case but ultimately decided to pay child support.
Later OP came back with these edits:
EDIT: to clarify
My moving away changes literally NOTHING in their situation because I had no contact with the boy and all communication with my ex was done through lawyers and court.
My family (parents, sister + BIL and some other relatives) are active part of his life and she has both their and her family's full support, including vacations together, financial aid when needed, watching him etc. My contribution = zero (except money).
The only one who has refused to talk to them is my older brother and his wife who think that she's an a-hole and want nothing to do with them. I'm now waiting on my lawyer to see what TF happens next and I might have to postpone my move. Thankfully, I work remote for now (until October when I start being on site) and am still flexible on time.
Yes I had a DNA test done, yes he's mine. My parental rights are not fully terminated but she cannot force visitation or contact and I will pay child support until he's 18 in accordance to my income.
EDIT 2:
Some people can't read, apparently. Nobody is abandoning anyone considering I wasn't in his life at all.
My ex wife had the CHOICE to keep the baby or not, as well as the CHOICE to say "no" when the judge asked her if she wanted full custody and the CHOICE to say "no" when asked if she agreed to having no contact or visitation from me. But she gave me NO choice.