"AITA for leaving my family to fend for themselves?"
I (20m) am the middle child in a family that honestly feels like a case study for what family therapy tries to prevent. My mom’s a drinker with serious psychological issues and a bit of an Oedipus complex that even freud would throw his hands up at.
My older brother (28) who is a bit of a substance user dropped out of college years ago and survives off debts and favors that usually I end up paying for. My teen sister can't even make her own breakfast, and my 12-year old brother (who’s autistic) is probably the most emotionally mature person in the house.
Well, i’ll be brief. Basically, I've been taking care of everyone for as long as I can remember. I don't want to sound like a victim, but it's the truth. When I was a teenager, I spent countless nights picking up my mother from “work events” where she would get drunk until she passed out, urinate on herself, and start yelling at her coworkers.
My older brother constantly asked me for money to pay off his debts from buying the green stuff, and my sister always came to me crying after another fight with my mother, or whenever she needed money for some “emergency” that turned out to be movie tickets. A few weeks ago, I received the best news of my life: I was accepted into a scholarship and internship program in London.
It was an incredible opportunity because it was something I had worked hard for while studying and working two jobs. I cried. I'm not even ashamed of it. For once, I felt that all the sacrifices and sleepless nights had been worth it. That night I told my family, foolishly expecting them to be proud of me.
They weren't. My mother basically asked me who would help her pay the bills when I left. Then she started yelling across the dining room. My older brother told me it must be easy for me to run off to Europe while leaving them to sink into the stuff, and my sister accused me of abandoning her, saying I had promised her I would always be there for her, and then brought up the mistakes I made when I was 16.
Even my little brother called me an idiot, although I'm pretty sure he was just repeating what he had heard others say. They all called me selfish. When I'm still the invisible pillar of this family. I don't earn much, but everything I have ends up in their hands somehow.
I never thought about abandoning them or cutting off contact, but their reaction left me dismayed. I've been selling my things, saving every penny, organizing my paperwork, and preparing to leave at the end of the year. None of them talk to me anymore. And honestly? This time, I'm not going to apologize for taking a chance or thinking about what they want.
But I can't help thinking about how much my family will fall apart if I leave (even though I'm not even thinking about leaving for good). They don't even talk to me and they spend their time talking shit about me. Honestly, the one I'm most worried about is my younger brother, it's not his fault. So AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
notastraycat wrote:
You are so NTA it's not even a question. You've been parentified and it's toxic. INFO: no father in the picture? Is there any relative that could check on younger brother? Or maybe a trusted neighbor or teacher? You worked hard and you deserve your success - go enjoy London!
OP responded:
Thank you for the comment!, i’m a little nervous about London. I have been told many times that I have been parentified, but I didn't see it as too big of a problem until this situation. And no, my dad left home when I was about 2-years-old. My younger sister and brother are children of the man who was my stepfather for a while, who, by the way, kicked me out of the house when I was 16.
But in the end, he also ended up leaving my mom because of his addictions and those of my older brother. I know a trusted teacher who could check on my younger brother from time to time, since all the neighbors hate us for OBVIOUS reasons.
Katzakat wrote:
NTA. Go and enjoy your life. You're not responsible for your mother or your siblings. Lock down everything you have and need going forward. Get your documents in a safe place, your birth certificate, social security card and passport. Don't leave them where they can disappear or get destroyed or lost.
Get a new bank account at a new bank, especially if any of them bank at the same bank and if any of them have ever been or are currently attached to your accounts. Change your passwords to something they won't figure out. Protect yourself. Lock down your credit information and SSN. Google how to do this. Your mother has your SSN and can use it when she wants to.
Anything you cherish around the house needs to be someplace safe. You may need to get a small storage area so you can protect your stuff. I'm sorry to say but your relatives all sound like people who will do what they can to keep you where they want you.
Research the crab pot mentality to get an understanding of this dynamic. They don't want you to succeed as it will show them that they could have if they tried. You may want to look into Al-anon which is for relatives and loved ones of addicts. They have good resources.
BGS2204 wrote:
Honey run don’t walk to the nearest exit! When you are done with your stint in London get employment at least one or more states away. If you feel guilty send a hundred dollars now and then, maybe go back at Christmas if you feel the need but you have paid your dues.