'AITA for leaving my fiancé 'at the altar' after he drunkenly praised another woman?'

"AITA for leaving my fiancé 'at the altar' after he drunkenly praised another woman in ways that he's never done for me while we needed therapy due to his criticism?"

TL,DR: I was supposed to get married in a few days, but my fiancé fell back into his fixation with social status and money/power. He has a good job at a large company. I'm a small business owner and I'm self reliant and doing well although I'm not wealthy. He acted judgmental in the past because I didn't go into a career that was my original goal and he probed me about my money.

He hit a very tense situation while organizing our wedding and he also describe a woman in his industry as a "dream girl". I ended things because I'm hurt and offended but his family and loved ones are afraid for his mental health.

My ( F34) fiancé (Tony 35) and I were together for 4 years, engaged for 8 months.. Before our engagement, I broke up with him because of his attitudes towards social standing. He said things about me for not following my dream to go into a certain career that's traditionally associated with status. He also pressed to know more about my finances and criticized me for owning a small bazaar/gift shop.

He called it hippie bullsh!t. I was uncomfortable with his financial questions because we weren't living together nor had plans to get married. He also had a thing for his colleague because she's a high power executive and he confessed to having kissed her while we were having dinner. I was livid, so I picked up whatever belongings I had at his house and left.

He spent months trying to reach out. We had a long conversation and he apologized and told me that 80% of the things he did and said were due to insecurity because his father was abusive and raised him to feel like crap unless he had material things. He also agreed to go to a therapist and I did the same.

We had a beautiful relationship (after making efforts together). He was there for me when I got sick. I came to appreciate his vulnerability when he allowed me into his deeper emotional situations. As background, he was dumped by his ex wife. He says that she went on a business trip and refused to be intimate after that, moved to a separate bedroom and filed for divorce.

He did admit that they had frequent arguments and he had the vague suspicion that she might have cheated or that her colleagues influenced her decision. Then he had a girlfriend that his family really loved, but the relationship was poisoned during a trip because he was depressed from missing his son and wasn't emotionally present to enjoy with his ex girlfriend's kids.

Then his ex fiancee that he met after that breakup left him almost one month before the wedding and had him deal with the mess and ended up marrying someone else.

We were supposed to get married in a few days. It's not the first wedding for either of us so we wanted something nice but more private. We planned for 30 guests and a video streaming session for everyone else. He was very excited and he announced it at his job and wanted his high school classmates to attend virtually.

We've both experienced tension during preparations. Nothing felt terrible until he criticized my going away outfit. It's a bridal blazer suit and he said it would make me look like a wannabe, and that it would have made sense if I had gone into my previously dream career.

I tried to ignore it but I ended up asking him if he was comparing me to someone else and we ended up having an argument, which hadn't happened in a long time. I don't know why he said that but I told him that it felt like he'd been holding it for a while and just needed an excuse to let it out. I love him, and it kills me to think that he still thinks that I'm not enough.

Also, he holds on to anger and will bring up an argument or something that bothered him months or even years ago, and I saw myself in that position and it generated more tension. First, he brought up how disappointed he was that I maintained a cordial relationship with my ex boyfriend. For background, that ex cheated and I broke up with him.

Years later, he apologized and I had no hard feelings because I wasn't even attracted to him anymore. So if my ex says “hello” at the supermarket, I'll wave back and that's it. What's done is done and I was 22 when we broke up.

Tony just brought it up again out of the blue, despite the fact that I haven't seen my ex since I was about 30 and the conversation about him happened because Tony mentioned people that he's dated that remained in good faith with him and asked me and he’s known about this for years now but he mentioned it again.

He also hung up on me, called me again with more harsh behavior and said I'm a b!tch without dignity and that my being civil with that ex throws him deeper into a hole of disappointment.

I said he didn’t get to make me pay for any bullsh!t from your exes and hung up. He texted me with an apology and promised to control his anger. To be fair, he's never gotten physical, and has never yelled to my face or done anything like that.

We continued with wedding preparations, no arguments, no fights but things went downhill from this point. We were being intimate and I said something felt uncomfortable. He stopped immediately but said “What? Stop playing virgin."

Of course I'm not a virgin and while I refused to attach my self worth to physical intimacy, this comment came out as insulting. It's not that he said it but his tone. Then what happened to make me break off the engagement. He's not a drinker. He enjoys beer and some drinks but he never gets drunk. He went out with his office buddies, got drunk and asked me to pick him up.

I was helping him to bed when he mentioned a conference that he attended and said things about the speaker, who's a female executive. I talked to him about it the following day and asked him if it was normal for him to describe a stranger as dreamy when we are about to get married.

He said he didn't mean anything by it, and that being jealous of her is like a wife starting a fight because her husband said Taylor Swift or any other female celebrity is hot. For clarification, he said things about the female speaker in terms of physical beauty and her career with an admiration and respect that sounded like a bit more than just “looking."

I didn't reply to any of his messages for a few days and I know the silent treatment is not okay, but I didn't know what else to do or say? I talked to him last Wednesday and told him that I don't want to get married because I don't want to feel that I'm not enough.

He freaked out and begged me and he's refusing to tell his side of the guest list that the wedding is off. I know their names but I don't have their contact info and we don't have a wedding chat group.

His mother called me and when I told her what's going on, she immediately offered an apology, but she's asking me to please don't do this to him because he's been humiliated before and she doesn't know how he will react over time. She said he was put on meds when his ex fiancée took off ( I knew this).

I didn't want to act standoffish because at the end of the day, she's his mom and she's hurting for him but I still went through with canceling what I paid for. We were supposed to live at his place and I had already told my landlord that this would be my last month so I just contacted him to see if we can reach an arrangement. I had sold a bunch of stuff getting ready to move in with him so now I'm dealing with this.

He has been asking me to get married and do couple's therapy but I didn't want to. So now he says that I never loved him. This hurts because I knew he wasn’t perfect but he improved our relationship so that we could both be happy and now this is happening and his trauma might get worse because he thinks it's because I don’t care.

His family are telling me that “with all due respect” but I suck, that I needed to end things long ago if I wanted to dump him but they don’t see that this snowballed as wedding arrangements progressed. I’m not ruling out wedding stress but I’m struggling to hold on to my decision since he said a career woman is dreamy and that he doesn't understand why doesn’t seem to have a husband.

I’ve tried to explain to him that it’s not that he admires the female exec, but the fact that he talked about her with distant pride and acted like he still thinks she’s the kind of person that is an instant “yes”. I don’t want to spend years with a man who doesn’t see me that way, AITA?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Tola-Mahola-2332 said:

Theres a reason why his 1st 3 longterm relationships left him. Stand your ground girl.

MountainDecision6488 said:

After having written this all down, surely you see the red flags. If you marry an AH you’ll be sorry for a long time.

EffableFornent said:

Nta. You gave him more than enough chances. Yeah, maybe you should've broken up with him earlier, but now is miles better than after the wedding! Also, if he's worried about being "embarrassed", maybe he shouldn't treat you like shit.

Jerichothered said:

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. He doesn’t treat you with respect. He doesn’t treat you with kindness. Is this how you want the rest of your life to go

K_A_irony said:

Have you read what you wrote? NTA

This man has CONSISTANTLY insulted you for years

This man has cheated on you (if you think it was only a kiss LOL)

He wants you to be someone you are not

He calls you UGLY names when you fight. People don't call people they love ugly names.

He doesn't respect you or your career