'AITA for leaving my friend's wedding dress shopping trip early after finding out at the dinner table I wasn't a bridesmaid?'
"AITA for leaving my friend's wedding dress shopping trip early after finding out at the dinner table I wasn't a bridesmaid?"
So I (32F) have known this friend (32F) since middle school. Let's call her Fran. We've drifted a bit over the years- life, distance, careers in different industries, my own healing journey- but I've always considered her a chosen sister. Any time we hung out, even if just once a year, always felt like old times. And even though we didn't talk all too much, I always valued her friendship.
Fran got engaged earlier this year. When I saw her in August, she asked me if I would be willing to fly out (~3 hour flight) to go wedding dress shopping with her and her best friend from elementary school.
During that convo, she told me I was the perfect person to go wedding dress shopping with, talked to me about what color her bridesmaids dresses should be (sage, not mint or emerald) and asked what we should do for her bachelorette.
After coffee, she would even send me photos of outfits for the rehearsal dinner. So I assumed I would be in the bridal party. Not that I think this is owed or expected, but because of how she was talking to me about her wedding.
I spent $500 on flights to go wedding dress shopping (in the middle of the government shutdown, mind you). There were two appointments for Saturday and one for Sunday. I came in Friday night, while the other girl was coming in Saturday morning.
Fast forward to after the Saturday appointments. There's seven of us (significant others, siblings). Her brother, at the pizza joint communal table, casually asks "So what's your job in the wedding? I assume you're a bridesmaid". And Fran goes, "Oh.... she's actually not...." in front of everyone. No private convo, no heads-up. A public no.
It was so awkward I still cringe thinking about it. Later that night, she said "I just want to acknowledge how awkward my brother made dinner". News flash, he didn't make it awkward.
I basically told her I wasn't mad that I wasn't a bridesmaid, if I didn't make the cut it's fine, but it was the approach in which how I was told. I could have been told Friday night prior to the other girl coming in. I could have been told Saturday morning when we spent the whole morning together.
But I wasn't. I wasn't told prior to booking a $500 flight and spending $100 on Ubers to get to her and celebrate her that weekend. This conversation evolved into her telling me "she just can't come to me for big things anymore" and she's felt extremely distant to me for years. YEARS.
So I'm sitting there like... then why am I here?
I was really hurt and spent the night and morning crying, so I booked an earlier flight home on Sunday and skipped the final dress appointment. I didn't want to show up puffy eyed and have it be awkward.
As I left (obviously putting everything away), I texted her and her fiancé "Woke up with a sore throat, decided to take an earlier flight home. Thanks for opening up your home to me" and she responds HOURS later saying "hope you feel better. Thanks for coming up this weekend."
Since then, radio silence.
She didn't even text me a happy birthday or happy Thanksgiving.
For the record, I genuinely am not mad about not being a bridesmaid. I'm hurt because she let me fly out and emotionally show up for her, and then humiliated me in a public setting (and also insisted we go out to a bar AFTER dinner).
So, AITA for leaving early and not reaching out first?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Don't plan on attending the wedding either.
I'm not getting the vibe that an invite is coming.
NTA. You were being used. You should have been told earlier since she was directly involving you in wedding events. For whatever reason, she was up to no good. She got called out or “caught” by her brother. She knows it and you know it.
This! I bet she was wanting to have OP probably do bridesmaid things without actually being a bridesmaid and probably would of had OP spend even more money on things but since it’s now put out there she isn’t a bridesmaid this “ friend” can no longer “use” OP for whatever agenda she had. She’s not a true friend.
Exactly this. Some women love the benefits of having you around but don’t actually value you as a friend. They want your time, your money, your support, just not your presence in the actual spotlight. It’s wild how fast people show their true colors when they can’t use you anymore. Honestly, OP dodged a whole storm of drama.
NTA. I'm guessing the brother knew something very fishy was up and was trying to warn you.
“I can’t come to you for big things” while simultaneously having you fly out and engage in a big thing 🥴😂
NTA - This hopefully “former” friend of yours is thoughtless and narcissistic. To ask you to spend hundreds of dollars to go dress shopping with her, and to assume that could be asked of a non-bridesmaid, is the act of someone who is utterly self-centered. I’m so sorry for your hurt which was totally undeserved; let this person drift into your past now.
NTA. Your friend may have not explicitly said you were a bridesmaid, but imo asking about bridesmaids dresses, bachelorette parties, her wedding dress, etc. is incredibly misleading.
I’m curious what your friend said about not being able to come to your for big things. Has she tried but you’re always busy, or has she just been assuming she can’t? Either way, NTA.