'I'm thinking of leaving my husband after 4 years of marriage. What should I do?' MAJOR UPDATE

"I'm (24F) thinking of leaving my husband (30M) after 4 years of marriage."

The title is exactly what it sounds like. I'm considering leaving my husband.

He doesn't contribute to chores around the house, and plays games for hours every day. I have to remind him to do basic things like shower, chores, etc.

I've told him multiple times that I don't want to parent him, and he'll do better for a day or two and then go right back to it. He only has two chores. Dishes and trash. And we have a dishwasher. The problem is that he's neglected them for so long that we now have a fruit fly infestation and have to call pest control to come deal with it.

I know I should have done something before it got this bad, but he kept reassuring me it would get done. He's also incredibly impulsive and spends money he knows we don't have. I'm between jobs at the moment, and won't have any pay until July. I've also tried to communicate about this, but he shuts down when I try to talk to him about things that bother me.

There's some other reasons, but these are the big ones. They've only recently become an issue in the last year or two. He's likely got undiagnosed ADHD. I can see the symptoms and know that these problems are an issue because of the ADHD. I also have ADHD, and use coping strategies to deal with it.

I've suggested coping strategies for him, but he says it won't work and won't even try. Him shutting down when I try to communicate with him means that I can't talk to him. He refuses to talk to me until I bottle it all up and explode, which he claims reinforces him not talking to me. I've suggested marriage counseling which he claims we don't need.

I do love him, a lot. But these problems are weighing me down so much that I feel depressed over it. I blew up again today, and called him lazy and basically told him he wasn't allowed to play games until he finished his chores and the flies were taken care of. Which makes me feel like I'm parenting him again.

I don't want to leave him, but I'm not sure what else to do at this point. What would you guys suggest?

TL;DR: My husband makes me parent him and won't talk to me about our problems, and also refuses any professional help.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Anona-Mouse87 wrote:

Having ADHD is not an excuse for this behaviour!! I have combined but primarily inattentive ADHD and I can't be medicated due to Long QT Syndrome but I am still accountable for my actions. I work hard every damn day to function.

Am I exhausted? Yes. Do I feel like giving up some days? Yes. But I have a responsibility to keep shared space clean, tidy and livable alongside my husband and child. The same for your husband, he too is accountable for his actions and has responsibilities.

Snowybird60 wrote:

Thank you for this comment. Way too many people online are willing to excuse all sorts of shit because of ADD/ADHD. I have 2 adult sons, one's ADD, and the other ADHD. Both have their own homes, one has a good paying job, and the other owns his own business. They both cook, clean, and do their own laundry etc.

wordsmythy wrote:

He’s not just lazy, he’s self-indulgent and childish. And apparently he really doesn’t care that his home is infested with fruit flies. Sounds like he’s using ADHD as an excuse, especially since he won’t try any of the coping mechanisms you suggest. He just wants to sit and play games. I would leave him too.

Find someone who wants to be a real partner. I mean, Jesus, not dealing with garbage until there’s a fruit fly infestation? He can’t get the trash out of your home because the game is so very important? How long does it take to take the garbage out?

adhdrielle wrote:

Sadly, that's why men closer to 30 go for women 20 and under. They can fool you into thinking they're "so mature" and like you cause you're "so mature" when really its easier to fool you. They trap young women into being their caretaker and know that once you're married you're less likely to leave.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

So I guess things are going to go for the better. In my last post, I broke down some of my husband's behavior and how it's likely linked to undiagnosed ADHD. Several people suggested leaving him. Some things I left out of my last post that now seem relevant:

I am disabled and often use a wheelchair or cane to manage my symptoms. I have a hard time bathing and dressing myself. I am occasionally reliant on the help of others. Part of why he neglects himself and chores is because he works a full time job and has to help me.

These weren't issues until my health began to deteriorate. Some of his behavior is rooted in PTSD from a highly ab#$ive relationship. I packed a suitcase and was getting ready to leave and stay with family when my husband came home. He saw the suitcase, asked what was going on, and we had an actual conversation.

No avoidance or shutting down. He apologized, said he understood, and that he'd like a chance to fix things. He set alarms on his phone to remind himself to do chores, etc. He Googled ways to manage ADHD without medication and called his doctor to set up an appointment to talk about getting evaluated for ADHD and PTSD.

He called our church to set up some marriage counseling. And he started cleaning without me asking. All things he hadn't done before, even when I begged. I think seeing the suitcase and realizing that I was really planning on leaving helped. Maybe I'm wrong and this is just his attempt before it gets worse again, but I think he's actually trying this time. Am I wrong to be hopeful here?

TL;DR My husband seems to be making efforts to mend our marriage, but I'm not sure it'll last.

ETA: I didn't add my disabled status to the first post for a few reasons. 1) I just don't like talking about it. My disability is nobody's business. 2) He only helps me for about 15 or maybe 30 minutes a day, and they're low effort tasks as well. 3) I didn't think I deserved less effort in a relationship because I'm disabled. Unfortunately, some of you seem to think I do deserve less.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

medicinecap wrote:

The disabled part is huge and changes the entire story. My dad had to care for my mom and 4 kids under 18 and then all of us had to help care for my mom because she got early onset Parkinson’s disease.

Our house was a pit. Nobody has energy to go to work 40 hours a week or go to school for 30 hours a week and care for another person. All any of us did (when things got really bad) was pray she’d fall asleep so we could also sleep or watch TV.

Caring for someone is a full time job and I’m not sure what country you live in but most places make it so that in-home care and assisted living are beyond our reach. It’s not a person’s fault, it’s society’s fault for not being set up to support us. If he works at a job and as a caregiver I’d cut him some slack.

Individual-Foxlike wrote:

You're repeatedly saying that he doesn't have to do that much as a caregiver, and I really, really, REALLY think you need to stop saying that.

A large part of caregiving is mental and emotional. I've been a caregiver for years and it consumes a huge amount of thinking. Not just about now, but about later. Even if your disability isn't progressive, he's likely constantly thinking about what will happen if he gets injured or sick, or if you get a different problem on top of yours.

Caregiving changes how you see the world, and it's a huge added stress. Everything you've written is incredibly dismissive of his side of caregiving, and if you continue on that track you're likely to damage your relationship.*

Lonewol8 wrote:

So if he's struggling with unmedicated ADHD and PTSD, and full-time work, and caring for his disabled wife, don't you realise he was already really struggling and now you put a whole load more stuff on his plate for him to crumble under.

You have to ask...what does he get in return? Is there any enjoyment in his life, if all he has are these pressures? I read your post and feel that you got what you wanted and he got even less than he had. I could be wrong, but that's how it seems to me. If you do decide to stay with him, you gotta make sure it's also worth it for him. An equitable partnership.

OP responded:

He gets homecooked meals, dates, love, etc. I do 95% of the housework, and the few things that are his responsibility are things HE DECIDED would be his responsibility.

He gets time to play games, as I'm not against them entirely. He spends time out with friends when he wants, doing basically whatever he wants to do. He gets a lot in return from our relationship. It's never 50/50. Some days are 80/20, but who's giving the 80 changes.

I support him through whatever dreams and aspirations he has, which change almost daily. I have good and bad days, which means there are plenty of days that I don't seem disabled at all and don't need help. Assuming I'm the villain because I'm disabled and didn't feel like telling a bunch of strangers all about my medical issues is entitled and inherently ableist.

CuriousPenguinSocks wrote:

Nobody is assuming you are the villain because you are disabled. They feel you were dishonest because you left out a MAJOR part of the story of your lives together. You came onto the internet o ask for help but left out crucial information and are being very defensive. Take a breath before answering a comment.

It's okay to feel upset but being defensive won't help. You've asked the hive mind of Reddit for help but then hindered us helping you by not providing all the facts. I live with chronic pain and mental health issues, I get it, we are often vilified for just existing. It can be hard. It's also very vulnerable to open up about these things.

However, how can you expect to get good advice when you leave out such important information? That's why people are saying they don't think you actually want help. Maybe sit with that for a bit, it's okay to be uncomfortable or upset at the comments but being defensive will only leave you in the same, miserable place you are in now.