'AITA for leaving my stepmom’s lake house after she called my daughter 'spoiled and entitled'?'

"AITA for leaving my stepmom’s lake house abruptly after she called my daughter a brat?"

Over the Fourth of July, my wife and I visited my stepmom at her boyfriend’s lake house with our two daughters (7 & 6). The girls had been staying with them the week prior. On Saturday, my daughter and another girl asked to leave the lake early to play in the hot tub. My stepmom said no, and my daughter got upset and cried.

The other girl then asked her, “What do you even like about her?” and my daughter said, “She has a new house and money.” Not the most thoughtful thing to say, but she’s seven, and the lake house had just undergone a big renovation.

The other girl ran and told my stepmom what was said. My stepmom had been drinking all day and clearly took it personally. Later, I saw her walk up to my daughter (sitting quietly on the couch), get in her face, and say, “You make me so sad.”

I immediately stepped in, told her to stop, and sent my daughter out of the room. I told my stepmom not to talk to my kid like that, and we started arguing. I asked if we could speak privately—there were a dozen people in the room 10 feet away—but she refused and kept saying my daughter was “spoiled and entitled,” and that it was clear how we really felt about her.

I told my wife we were leaving and went to pack. We had planned to stay until Sunday, but I didn’t feel comfortable anymore. My wife supported me, even though I could tell she wasn’t fully on board.

While packing, my stepmom came upstairs still being defensive. We got into a shouting match. I told her I didn’t care about her money and never wanted a dime from her. She kept bringing up how “entitled” my daughter was. She walked out, and I continued packing.

As I was loading the car, her boyfriend came out and told me he didn’t think we should come back. He said she was “heartbroken,” but I let him know I appreciated his hospitality. He hadn’t been involved in the conflict at all.

Before leaving, I asked my stepmom if she wanted to say goodbye to her granddaughters. She wouldn’t speak or look at me. Later, she came outside and said goodbye to the girls. I told her I loved her, and she snapped, “You have a hell of a way of showing it. I doubt it.”

That started another argument. Her boyfriend confirmed he had said we shouldn’t come back. When she asked if he was going to say goodbye to the girls (he’s been in their lives since they were toddlers), he hesitated, then stuck his head in the car for a quick goodbye. She’d never act that way with his grandkids.

We argued once more, and she ended up calling my daughter a brat. That was it. I said we were done and left without saying goodbye to anyone else in the house.

TL;DR: My 7-year-old made an offhand comment about my stepmom having money. Another kid repeated it. My stepmom, who had been drinking, confronted my daughter, called her a brat, and I decided to cut our trip short. I know this is just my side of things, but I’m still struggling with how it all went down.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

SQ_Madriel said:

So, your child's reaction to being told no to getting in the hot tub was too start crying and then when asked why she liked her grandparent, she said she had money and a new house.

That doesn't sound spoiled and entitled to you? Who wants to hear that kids they dote on only care about them for stuff? At what point did you talk to you child about her behavior and words? YTA did such poor parenting.

CanadianJediCouncil said:

YTA. Your stepmother was trying to keep your daughter and her friend safe—a six-year-old and a seven-year-old, unsupervised and hundreds of feet/meters away from adults, alone in a hot tub is a potential drowning situation.

You daughter was an entitled brat and basically told everyone she only pretends to like your stepmother because of her money and her big house. Your wife internally shook her head and rolled her eyes, and thought *”I can’t believe we have to uproot our entire plans again, just to placate the weak-ass ego of my emotionally fragile husband!”

You should’ve told your daughter, A, no hot tub, B, you need to apologize to your stepmother right now, and then you could’ve moved on instead of throwing some sort of “my child, right or wrong!” tantrum. YTA.

OP responded:

I am not saying you are wrong. I want to give some clarifying points. There were other kids and a supervising adult at the hot tub already.

I don’t disagree that how my daughter acted/what she said was wrong and hurtful to my stepmom. I was not aware of this interaction however until after I stepped in to stop the later interaction between them. Had I been, I absolutely would have talked to my daughter, told her how she was acting was unacceptable and made sure she understood in that moment why what she said was hurtful.

I was not given that opportunity so I did not. I had that conversation with her later and believe she understands why she was wrong and what she said was hurtful, and she will be apologizing. I also agree that I am the asshole for continuing to escalate the situation, even with multiple opportunities to diffuse it. I let my anger get the best of me. I will be apologizing as well.

distracted_x said:

I'm sure you came here thinking you'd be supported but 7 years old is too old to throw a crying fit because she was told no. And, her comment was rude. And, then at first all your stepmother said to your daughter was it made her sad. And then you proceeded to blow up like she was being abusive.

It's great when parents defend their children but you know, sometimes kids are being brats and that's when you correct behavior not enable it, and not blow up at the person upset by the bad behavior. YTA

Also it's not exactly relevant but how is this person your stepmom but she's not married to your dad? She has a boyfriend. I was confused how she's even related to you or how your kids are her grandchildren.

OP responded:

I don’t think I clearly said this in the OP but I was not aware of the crying/comments until after I stopped my stepmom from being in her face. My issue was the way she was talking to my daughter.

I did have a long conversation with my daughter later and I do think she understands why what she said was wrong and hurtful, and she will apologize for that. Had I been present for it or my stepmom come to me or my wife, I would have absolutely addressed it on the spot in that moment. Unfortunately I was not given that opportunity.

And my dad passed away six years ago. My stepmom met her boyfriend three years ago. She’s a mom to me. I had a mother/son dance with her at my wedding. She was one of the first 4 people to see both of my daughters after they were born. She is grandma to them!

southernbellelv said:

ESH. As the other aren’t of a 6 year old, your daughters reaction was manipulative and spoiled. Grandmas feelings are her own to deal with and saying “you make me so sad” is immature and selfish.

You should have had a conversation at several different points with daughter about her behavior and about how liking people for things and money is rude and likely to be hurtful. For her it may have been offhand, but you missed a prime parenting moment. So yeah, esh.

OP responded:

I don’t think I clearly said this in the OP but I was not aware of the crying/comments until after I stopped my stepmom from being in her face. I did have a long conversation with my daughter later and I do think she understands why what she said was wrong and hurtful, and she will apologize for that.

Had I been present for it or my stepmom come to me or my wife, I would have absolutely addressed it on the spot in that moment. Unfortunately I was not given that opportunity.

Alternative-Copy7027 said:

YTA. Your daughter had a crying fit for being told no, and you did nothing. Your daughter said a super rude thing about her grandma, and you did nothing. Grandma told the girl it made her sad, and you exploded to high heavens? You need to parent your girls better because you are raising entitled brats. And you need to apologize to your stepmom and her boyfriend.

OP responded:

I was not present for the crying fit, or the hurtful words. My stepmom did not come to me or my wife about this. Had she, I would have addressed it. I found out about it after the interaction that I stopped, and I did have a conversation with my daughter about how she acted and what she said. I do believe she understands why what she said was hurtful and she will apologize for it.

I am fine with my stepmom telling my child how he actions affected her, how they made her feel, but I am not ok with an intoxicated adult getting in a child’s face and being mean or ugly about it. That is NOT ok. I do see now that I am the asshole for continuing to escalate the situation and will be apologizing for that.

And Ancient_Yak4019 said:

YTA. You ARE raising a brat. Honestly I work with kids everyday and parents like you are who we all talk shit about.