'AITA for leaving one of my brother’s kids out of a trip but taking the rest?' UPDATED

"AITA for leaving one of my brother’s kids out of a trip but taking the rest?"

So long story short, I (35f) live and work abroad but am from the midwest. I grew up with my brother Jason (43m) and our parents (70s). We were working class, had what we needed but not well-off by any means.

When I was in high school Jason married Tiffany (40f), who is and was and will always be a mess of a person, heavy drinker, partier, god knows whatever else, but she was hot and my brother is a dweeb to put it nicely. They had Jace (19m), Jeff (17m), and Hannah (12f).

Their marriage broke down before Hannah was born. They tried working it out but ultimately got divorced. Jason started dating Jenny (43f) while splitting custody of the kids with Tiffany 50-50. Since Tiff had been a SAHM she received child support and alimony, and my brother worked a lot.

I liked Jenny at first, she wasn't a complete smoke show like Tiff but she was kind, had a good job, and was well-educated. I thought, much better match. At first, I know Jenny was upset that the kids didn't immediately love her and call her mom when they were there, and the divorce was hard on them, got pregnant somewhat fast with Daisy (10f) and they got married.

Around this time, the older kids started refusing to go back to Tiff's, she was always drinking and having guys around, so all three moved in full-time with Jason and Jenny and Tiff left town and is no longer in the kids' lives.

I tried being understanding, I'm sure having a newborn and then three older kids full-time is difficult. But Jenny completely changed. She stopped working, but declared she was only a SAHM to HER kid. Jason was working 70+ hours to make ends meet AND her parents were helping them out, but she controls the finances.

This means that the three of them (Jason, Jenny, and Daisy) operate as a family unit, going to dinners, events, even vacations and leaving the older three kids at home. I have always thought this was disgusting and voiced my opinion about it, but Jason just said his divorce broke him emotionally and he will do anything possible to keep Jenny happy so that their marriage works out. Gross, yes.

And 10 years ago to be frank i was younger, broker, and dumber so it was kind of more like 'yes my brother sucks as a dad but I live on another continent and all i can do is be supportive of the kids.' I know, not a great attitude in retrospect and I'm disappointed in myself.

I really did my best, when they refused to pay for Jace to learn how to drive (even though Jenny refused to drive the kids anywhere), my mom taught him and I bought him a used car. We had to shame Jason to put him on his insurance, and he makes Jace pay for it. Same with Jeff - they share the car and use it for their activities and Hannah's.

My wife (an only child and we don't want children) have the three of them as our sole beneficiaries in our will, something we did when we found out that Jenny and Jason plan to leave them only the bare minimum amount, everything goes to Daisy.

Also, after we got married my wife (6 years ago) and I decided that we would start taking the older kids on annual trips with us when we went to the US. Nothing FANCY (we might be childfree but we're not billionaires or anything, just well-off), but things like a week in Florida, Utah, California, things like that.

They're very outdoorsy kids so they've had a blast every year, and we plan it when my brother takes Jenny and Daisy on trips, so they don't care. Normally we vacation in the summer, but Jace got an internship this summer so we decided to move our trip to the fall and are going to Maine (LEAVES!!!).

I let Jason know the dates (they're in line with their fall breaks no worries) and he basically said we need to start including Daisy. Jenny's parents made some bad investments, they're fine but aren't helping them out anymore and Jenny is looking for a job, but since her parents had always paid for their trips they can't go on one this year.

So, even if all was fair, I wouldn't want to take Daisy on a trip. This is going to shock you with parents like that and I feel so bad saying this about a child but Daisy is a HUGE brat, spoiled, mean, and constantly bragging about the things she gets that her siblings don't. She once told me they weren't her siblings, they were 'Tiffany's kids.'

She throws toddler level tantrums on holidays if she doesn't get as much AND MORE as the other kids, tells my wife and I we are going to hell (edit: I now feel bad for including this. She said it about five years ago a few times and when Jenny was told it was about the only time I’ve ever seen her discipline Daisy.

I guess she’d heard it from Jenny’s aunt, but it was hurtful and hard to forget with everything else), and since Jenny waits on her hand and foot she's a total slob. I feel bad saying all this, I hope when she grows up she grows out of it. But there is no way I'd want to take her on a vacation. So I told him I didn't think we'd be able to handle all four kids and we'd just go the five of us.

He said Jenny could come to help out (absolutely not) or our mom could go (love her but she's getting a freaking HIP REPLACEMENT next month and does NOT want to go). Plus the car we'd need for all these people on a road trip would be stupid, we'd probably need 2, and you know what? I don't want to!

Anyways, sorry for trauma dumping on you all, this is getting long. I was worried Jason would not let me take the other kids on the trip, but they decided to go the route of shaming us online. Obviously its working with their friends and her family, but even my dad told me to stick to my guns.

But, my wife came to me the other day and basically said, are we even better than Jenny if we're favoring some kids over another just because we don't like their mom? Before we were evening things out, but now we're obviously favoring the oldest. She told me to think of the long-term health of my family and our relationships.

She said that it's my family, my decision, but wants me to think about it. My gut is saying just take the older three, but Daisy is only 10, she's not too blame. Would it make me an evil aunt to leave her out?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Ok_Conversation9750 said:

On the title, it sounds bad, but that child is a nightmare. She hates on the step siblings, hates on you, brags about her special treatment…probably time for her to learn about the consequences of treating others like shit. NTA.

OP responded:

They’re half siblings, sorry if I wasn’t clear on that.

digitydigitydoo said:

Your family is already broken. Mostly because of your brother’s idiotic choices and his wife’s selfishness. No, taking only 3 of 4 kids is not great but you’re already up to your neck in horrid thanks to other people’s actions. Do the older kids plan on keeping dear old dad and the evil stepmother in their lives when they become adults?

How much contact would you actually have with bro, his lazy wife and their spawn if you weren’t looking out for the older niblings? Your parents seem to be siding with you and the older kids as well, what are their thoughts on the situation?

You need to start thinking now about what you want for your family and what you’re likely to actually have. Start putting your time and focus on that. NTA for choosing the older kids and not the brat. Maybe fight fire with fire and start publicly shaming bro & co for how they’ve treated his kids over the last 10 years. Or at least threaten to.

OP responded:

After Jace left for college Jason made him give him his house key and told him he needed to stay elsewhere going forward. So over breaks he’s been staying with my parents and has very little contact with Jason. Since that’s probably what’s going to happen to Jeff next year, my wife and I have talked about buying a condo to stay in when we’re in town (around 2 months out of the year) since my parents place is so small we normally Airbnb it but that company sucks now lol.

And pay Jace/ Jeff to ‘house sit’ (Jace is at college but Jeff wants to do a trade so will likely stay in town, but I cannot ask an 18 year old to pay rent that’s crazy). But yes if Jace is any indication they won’t be too much in contact with Jason when they are adults. Once Hannah isn’t living with them my contact with Jason will be as low as possible, just about our parents.

My mom and dad are complicated, Jenny threatens that if they don’t give Daisy the ‘best attention’ they can’t see any of them. Idk what that means, it’s just from this insane text she sent mom. And they do love Daisy, so they put up with them so they can see their grandkids. They have said basically Jason has a bad picker but is a hard worker idk.

KennedyPip said:

NTA if the older kids get excluded from everything and they look forward to this one trip a year I feel like it good of them to know that an adult actually cares and is on their side of things.

And Resident_Ad1806 said:

The parents of the 3 kids are the AH first. Jenny seems to have morphed into one too. So I would say stick to your guns and take the 3 kids ( exclude Daisy/ Jenny). You dont owe anyone any explanation. Just book the trip and leave. Your wife is very kind.

Ten days later, she shared this update on the situation:

Hey guys, I posted about a week ago and a lot of people asked for updates but things have gotten yucky. A quick thing, Daisy is not constantly some Veruca Salt-esque monster child. She can be a brat but she is also funny and caring, she’s the only grandchild who has stuck with the church choir that my mom runs even though I don’t think she loves it.

She always calls my wife and I on our birthdays, and when their dog was too old to go upstairs she brought her mattress downstairs and slept next to her every night before she passed away so she wouldn’t be lonely. People aren’t cartoon villains and please stop criticizing a ten year old.

Finally, just a reminder that I live half the world (a 15 hour min plane ride) away. I can’t just pop over and there are time zone issues. I also do well for myself but don’t have unlimited money. So stop telling me to take Daisy on “trial trips” and buy a 4 bedroom house for the oldest three to live in lol.

And keep in mind, I live in remote, mostly rural areas, not bustling metropolises with vibrant expat communities and international schools. It’s the nature of my job, I’ve worked hard for it, and it’s not conducive to having kids/ young adults living with me.

I’m not a messy person and I don’t do social media drama, so I’ve been ignoring Jenny and Jason’s little vaguebooking campaign, and honestly I wasn’t even going to update until I got some background information but basically I got a call from my brother last weekend.

It was Daisy crying and telling me she would be good and she’s sorry for being bad and she wants to go on the trip and promising she’ll be quiet and not say anything rude. It was dark, she was saying she was going to find a way to show me and my wife and her parents she was good and not a bad person and everything would be ok.

I tried calming her down, I assured her that both her aunts love her very much and don’t think she is bad person at all. My brother took the phone and was just like see what you’ve done and hung up. I tried calling back, he didn’t answer, I texted my mom as well as Jace and Jeff to see what was going on.

Anyways, between my mom and Jeff I got some more background info - I don’t know where all their money goes or what kind of bath her parents took but their financial situation is bad. As in asking my fixed/ low income parents for money for daisy’s tuition bad.

Obviously they couldn’t help them and I guess Jenny and my brother had told Daisy she was going to have to pick between vacation and her school, and she picked her school, but since it’s taken Jenny longer than they expected to find a job they can no longer swing that either.

I know you all think she’s a little demon but my heart broke for her with that. (And yes I am not getting into it I’ll rage for too long but yes the older three have always gone to public school… I do think it was Jenny’s parents paying the tuition, though)

And according to Jeff, daisy is getting older and having more of her own opinions and Jenny doesn’t like that. When she found out she couldn’t go back to her school she asked about a trip, and when my brother told Jenny I’d said no she told Daisy she couldn’t go because she was bad. Heartbreaking, and just generally A+ parenting all around.

I don’t think this is the end of all of this. Jeff needs to be more discreet but told me Jenny was losing it because of ‘Botox and ozempic withdrawal.’ He did say the house wasn’t as bad as you’d think, she mostly ignores them and has continued that. He works and Hannah has spent most the summer at her best friend’s house.

Also one quick thing I know everyone is worried about my nephews and niece and think they live horrible, miserable lives and this vacation is the only bright spot of the year. Yes their lives are completely unfair and I feel awfully for them but they are happy kids.

From what Jace has told me, since she had Daisy they’ve always kind of just treated Jenny like an eccentric roommate that their dweeb of a dad is sleeping with. They’re not all rude and screaming at one another, more polite indifference. They also do care a lot about Daisy, and would never ask me to leave her at home.

It’s me that doesn’t want to bring her, because she needs a parent with her and as dril would say I would face God and walk backwards into hell before I ever invited, much less paid for, Jenny to come with us.

10 days later OP came back with another update:

Hey everyone. I don't know why I'm updating with this, but things have gotten pretty nuts. I wasn't even going to update until after the trip (which is still a GO with JUST the five of us and will stay that way), but it's just a full on circus now.

Unfortunately, my brother and Jenny have not changed one bit, and there have been multiple instances since my last post alone that they have shown their preference to Daisy over the other three.

I said before I don't do social media drama. Or drama in general, but especially in public. So I have been ignoring Jenny's little vaguebooking campaign, but like I said, she had family and friends supporting her on it.

Except one cousin, who messaged me a few days ago and asked for a call. I reminded her (and just reminding you all before you start asking me why I don't do short trips with Daisy!) that I live very far away in a different timezone so we set up a time to facetime. Honestly, I kind of remember this woman, but not really.

She and Jenny aren't close but she was at some pre-baby events. And it turns out Jenny and Jason have been lying to my family about their money issues. Jenny's parents (she's an only child) have not gone broke, in fact they're doing fine (they are one of the few older people who weren't sucked into facebook btw, lucky for her while my mom is sharing slop with me on the daily but i still love her).

They cut Jenny off! She's simply been lying to everyone - including my parents! and saying that her parents wish they could still help but they can't. They told her months ago the money stream was over.

Why now? So the story goes that a few years back, Jenny complained to my mom that she had a "16 year sentence" with "Tiffany's kids" and even the boys leaving at 18 wouldn't matter since Hannah was only a few years older than Daisy.

My mom apparently said something along the lines of 'anyone would be lucky to have Hannah in the house, if she's affecting your marriage so much she can live with us.' It was kind of a snarky comment from mom, but apparently Jenny held onto it like a prayer.

When my oldest nephew Jace graduated from high school last year, he was told he couldn't keep living there, and they've already told my middle nephew Jeff the same.

Jenny's parents very rarely see the older kids since Jason and Jenny don't bring them when they visit and her parents don't travel much and don't like coming to my hometown.

So according to the cousin, they weren't fully aware of the issues, and were under the assumption that the older three preferred spending the time that my brother and his 2nd wife and daughter visit them with my parents, which they respected.

But APPARENTLY Jenny basically had been yapping to them and let it slip out how in just over a year she'd have her life back and her stepkids would be out of the house. Her parents asked, what about Hannah? And she told them that my parents WANT to raise Hannah because they know how it's affecting her marriage.

That didn't sit right with Jenny's mom (call her Pam), so she called my mom after they left, they aren't close or anything but do talk every now and again. My mom was so confused by what she was saying, they are on a fixed income and have only a 2 bedroom place now, of course if they needed to, the kids could stay with them but it's not ideal.

So (and remember this is MONTHS ago) Pam thought maybe she misheard, but my mom let it slip that Jace already stays with them when he comes back from school, and Pam was confused about why he wouldn't stay at my brother's. When my mom told her they kicked him out, Pam was like oh wow that's crazy and the conversation ended (to my mom).

BUT apparently (this is all hearsay obviously) Pam called Jenny up and told her, how dare you take our money at your age while telling an 18 year old they're an adult and to figure it out?!

I don't know how the call went but it ended with Pam and her husband completely cutting Jenny and Jason off financially. Her cousin said they were sending them TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars a year and GET THIS - they truly didn't know about the inequality.

I didn't believe the cousin at this, how could they not know? She says that while her parents love her, Jenny is not close with them and had basically lied, saying that MY parents (who again have never had a lot of money and are now on a fixed income) and I were spoiling the oldest three and ignoring Daisy.

Even before I was taking them on trips, she'd make up vacations they were on for why they 'couldn't' go on trips with them. Jenny told them I was paying for them to attend the private school that Daisy was attending - when Pam did some digging and found out Jace did NOT graduate from that private school, she cut off paying tuition for it (she was going to continue that).

Apparently she refuses to take her daughter's calls, and is refusing to listen to family members defending Jenny. These family members supporting her (a few aunts and their kids) already have beef with Pam over money, and they are supporting Jenny.

So, I know she had talked to my mom but I had to ask if Pam even knows the half of all of it? I told the cousin a few things, and she seemed shocked, and asked if Pam could call me. I told her definitely and the next day she did - we've spoken before obviously, but she's a pretty introverted woman so I wasn't sure what to expect.

But she just seemed exhausted. She acknowledged that Jenny was the result of her parenting failures, but says she was always a difficult child. I was like, girl she's over 40, childhood has BEEN over.

She laughed at that and apologized about everything I've had to do for my oldest niblings, I assured her that I WANTED to do things for them but I appreciate the apology. She said she will be setting the record straight with her family members.

Unfortunately for them, Jenny and Jason's little 'nuclear family' life they've been LARPing for the last few years is over. Her parents will no longer be funding them. Jenny has gotten a job but a decade out of the workforce really screwed her over. I feel bad for Daisy, but hopefully things will have to be more equal over there.

Obviously this isn't over, and my parents and I are going to be keeping a close eye on everything and open communication with the kids, but I can't say I feel bad for Jenny and Jason.

Almost 3 months later OP posted another update:

hey everyone! just wanted to give a quick update. A few weeks ago we went back to the states and took the kids to Maine. We only took the older three. Jason (and Jenny) and I have NOT been getting along lately and yes I was worried they'd tell me I couldn't take them, but we didn't have any issues. It was a blast. Highly recommend Maine in the Fall.

But yeah, our already bad relationship took a nosedive when Jason made a rude comment about my wife to my mom a few weeks ago. I confronted him because not only was it rude, it was just untrue.

He said he knows I talk about his wife, and I told him hell yes I do because she's a freaking psychotic monster and he's a dweeb with no backbone and he just constantly goes off on how I don't understand him and don't care about him. Sorry I'm too busy worrying about YOUR own kids to worry about your stupid wife's feelings or her family.

The weird thing is, since Jenny and Daisy have been fighting more, Jenny has been almost favoring Hannah, we think to make Daisy jealous? Taking her shopping, doing things with just her. Hannah isn't concerned and I think understands what's going on, and whose going to turn down gifts? I tried explaining the gifts weren't without strings but have no idea what else to tell her.

But in all the fighting I did stop talking to Jenny's cousin. I had met her a few times, we were friends on insta and chatted on there a bit before, but I just felt so icky about everything. I don't need to know Jenny's life. But between me and you, reddit, she looks terrible. For someone who spends so much time and money on her looks it's almost funny.

And before you come at me, yes she had a whole workup at the doctors and nothing is wrong with her. My wife says she's just allergic to working which might be the meanest thing she's ever said (but wouldn't crack the top ten for me about Jenny LMAO). So yeah, Jenny is working again. Some kind of bookkeeping job, not sure exactly, but she was able to keep Daisy in her private school.

The kids are good. The only big news is that I stayed back an extra week to go to California with Jace. Apparently that's where Tiffany has been living, and she offered him money to fly out to see her. He was unsure about it and I told him I'd go with him so he'd have someone.

It went fine. I didn't really talk to her. She's remarried and seems sober, we both thought so. I guess there were apologies, and he accepted them, but isn't sure if he'll keep talking to her or if he'll tell the other two. There was some money involved, she opened some CDs in their names and added Jace as the other person on them.

I'm not a finance person sorry. He told me there's about $15k in each and he isn't sure what to do - he obviously is going to get the money to his siblings but isn't sure the best way without my brother trying to take it. My wife is going to help him work through that as it's a world she understands, but I feel so bad for him, all three of them deserve parents that love and support them and were dealt a bad hand.

So yeah. Go to Maine, love your family, and don't be a dick. Happy holidays everyone.