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'AITA for leaving my sister's wedding early after her MOH humiliated me in her speech?' UPDATED

'AITA for leaving my sister's wedding early after her MOH humiliated me in her speech?' UPDATED


"AITA for leaving my sister's wedding early after her maid of honor humiliated me in her speech?"

I 27F was a bridesmaid at my older sister's wedding last week. The wedding was beautiful and everything seemed perfect until the reception. During the reception the maid of honor who has been my sister's best friend since childhood gave her speech.

It was emotional and all but then she made a joke about how I was the family screw up who finally managed to do something right by not messing up my bridesmaid duties. Everyone laughed but I didn't find it funny.

For context I’ve had a rough few years. I struggled with my mental health and dropped out of college for a while. I've since gotten my life back on track but it’s still a sensitive topic for me. Hearing that joke in front of all our family and friends wasn't funny at all.

My sister's best friend and I never really got along but still I never expected something like this from her. Especially the day wasn't about me at all then why bring me up in the speech?

I tried to stay composed but I felt the tears coming so I quietly left the reception and went outside to collect myself. My sister followed me out and asked what was wrong. When I told her she said it was just a joke and she meant nothing bad.

I tried to go back inside but I just couldn't and I ended up leaving the wedding early. My parents understand why I was upset but my sister is angry with me. I do feel terrible for leaving but I also feel like I had the right to feel hurt and humiliated.

Later, OP edited the post to include:

Edit: I said nothing at the moment because I didn't want to cause a scene on my sister's special day. And I can't reason with her right now because she will just ask me if I haven't been taking my meds lately because that's what she does when she's angry with me so I'm giving her some time to maybe realize how her best friend's joke was out of line.

Edit 2: someone asked me if my sister's best friend and I argued before/did I give her a reason to do this. My sister's best friend and I never went past Hi. She told me before (few years ago) that she "in general" doesn't feel comfortable around someone struggling mentally because in her head God only knows what they're capable of. since she said this/to this day I just try to avoid her.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

CarbonS0ul said:

NTA; You were publicly insulted and humiliated at your sister's wedding. Leaving early is a reasonable response.

Ungrateful-Dead said:

NTA From the way you describe your sister's reaction, her bff feels free to belittle you because your sister always goes along with it. I wouldn't be surprised if her maid of honor ran that joke by your sister for approval beforehand. If your sister considers insulting you in a public setting like that to be a joke, you can bet money that they have shared similar jokes between them before.

The shots about taking your meds shows sis doesn't have a lot of empathy for your situation or respect for you as a person. I don't see her apologizing if that's the case. I could be wrong in my suspicions, but everything you describe tells me I'm not.

SummerOracle said:

NTA. That was not a joke, it was an insult, and regardless if her friend “meant nothing bad” it still had the same effect. There was absolutely no reason for you, nor your past struggles, to be mentioned in a speech at your sister’s wedding. Your sister is being disrespectful, cruel, and dismissive. Her friend was in very bad taste, as was anyone who would find such commentary funny.

JadeMarisx said:

NTA. Your sister's best friend crossed a line with her joke, especially considering your history. Leaving to collect yourself was a mature decision, and your sister should understand your feelings instead of being angry.

PuddleLilacAgain said:

That's horrible. It takes so much strength to get yourself out of a pit like that. If anything, they should have mentioned that you were inspiring by getting back on track. It happens to a lot of people, and not everyone gets out. I'm sorry about what they said. NTA.

marblefree said:

NTA and please don't reach out to your sister. She is clearly a bully and doesn't deserve your time. I know she is "family" but it doesn't matter. Build a family of friends and relatives that love and respect you and deserve your time. Your sister does not.


Hi. Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment on my post and gave their opinion/advice without being too harsh. I apologize if my update is messy or confusing. I'll try to cover everything but I don't know when to add context for clarification. If you think there's any missing info/some parts are confusing let me know.

The same day I posted my dad called to check up on me and see if my sister and I had talked things out. When I told him no he said it's better if we talk about it now and assured me that I have nothing to apologize for. If my sister thinks she has nothing to apologize for then the least she can do is make her best friend apologize or fully realize that the joke was out of line.

By the way my brother and I met 4 days ago and he told me that BIL (my sister's husband) didn't like the way the MOH called me a screw-up in front of everyone and some of those who laughed voiced later that they did so out of nervousness.

On Monday my sister called me to talk. When I made it to her place, her best friend was on the phone and didn't put it down for a second. My sister started by saying that just a few years ago I would have laughed hard and not taken the joke as an insult. I told her maybe some laughed because they don't know the reason she called me a screw-up.

(For context. When I was 16 something happened and that's why I struggled mentally really badly between 16-18. When I was 17 I was diagnosed with PTSD and later with depression and anxiety. Since then I don't like it when someone touches my head. Especially my hair and the back of my head/neck. My sister knows everything)

During our conversation my sister did most of the talking. At some point I felt like my sister had called me just to blame me again without trying to understand my perspective. When I tried to talk she put her hand on the back of my neck and pulled me toward her with each sentence as if to say "Do you understand?" or "Okay?"

I hated it and felt irritated. I honestly kept thinking if I pushes her away would I be in the wrong. Would they just call me mental and tell family I got physical. I tried to leave but she insisted that no one was leaving until we sort this out. She told her best friend to just apologize.

She refused and reminded my sister that I was the reason her husband got angry at her on their wedding day because I couldn't take a joke and when I tried to explain why.

(EDIT: I told her if she had focused her speech on the bride/groom then maybe he wouldn't have had a reason to be angry. she refused to listen and brushed my words off) she said "Yeah whatever. Sorry" I was glad it was finally over and as I was about to leave I heard her say "Can't take a joke that everyone knows is true" Both of them laughed but my sister stopped mid-laugh and apologized. I didn't say anything and left.

I think I've had enough. I mean I know I've had a few rough years. I dropped out of college for a while, fine. But I've since gotten my life back on track. My parents helped me through it all and never made me feel like a burden.

At first, I was on some strong meds that made me feel tired/sleepy most of the time. After a while I started to feel a little better with therapy and my family's support. During that period it was me, my parents and my brother.

My sister was three hours away for a job and used to visit sometimes and would often bring her best friend along with her. Looking back. I don't want to say she hates me but I know she felt ashamed to have a family member struggling with mental health issues. I don't know how to explain this.

I've made up my mind and decided to go NC for now. If my parents and my brother who were there when I was going through it all never made me feel that they're ashamed of me then why would she? I'm still on some meds but feels much better than before.

I have a stable job, my own place and friends who loves me for who I am. I can say I'm proud of myself a little. I love my family to death and tried to maintain a relationship with my sister all these years but I'm trying to improve myself not constantly be reminded of what I was a few years ago.

Here's what people had to say after the update:

oldfashionedscrewup said:

You should never feel guilty about cutting toxic people out of your life, family or not. After all, you are in charge of your own happiness. So, if she does not bring you joy, why bother? She is an awful, horrible person anyway, so you're not missing out on much.

Anxious_Ad2683 said:

NTA. Your sister has chosen her friend over you, she hasn’t apologized, no one is taking accountability that should be. You need to go very lc or nc with this sister. Your parents should be covering this and really championing you. MoH should be pariahed by the rest of your family.

heavenlybailey said:

NTA. Never feel guilty about removing toxic people like her from your life, whether they are family or not. Your happiness is your responsibility. If she doesn't bring you joy, there's no reason to keep her around. Besides, she's an awful person, so you won't be missing much.

Kbdctola said:

I’m here for this update. Im really impressed with you. You shared how you felt, you explained your boundaries and that “apology” from sis and MOH are unacceptable. I remember reading the original post and thinking how needlessly sad that all was. You are really strong and behaved with grace through this.

FoundationWinter3488 said:

NTA! First of all - you were never a screw up - you were healing in the best way you could, from trauma. Secondly, even if you had screwed up, it was never the MOH’s place to call you out at the wedding. Considering you were recovering from trauma, it was especially cruel.

Your sister is being loyal to this cruel MOH and not to you. That says a lot about your sister, and nothing about you. Please protect yourself from both of these toxic women. Be proud of how far you have come.

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